10/30/2007 01:28 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I Hold My Own Press Conference

Amid a swirl of recent personal activity, I felt it was important to hold a press conference and get information out to the public. Yes, I could just write a normal column with the same information, but taking questions seems more substantive because it shows there is interest. Indeed, the mere appearance of questions demonstrates I'm willing to put myself on the line and risk hard-hitting inquiry. I do apologize for the delay, however -- I had planned to hold this press conference last week, but didn't want it to conflict with FEMA's.

And so, bracing for the hard-hitting onslaught, let's begin. Ask anything you want, no matter how challenging. You in the second row. First question?

Q: Why are the things you write on the Huffington Post so good?

Boy, that's a thorny one. I sure wish I hadn't gotten it first. Look, the truth is I'm uncomfortable with a question like that because this is a team effort. Mainly, I owe most of it to my offensive line who does an amazing job blocking for me, and the defense playing behind me. They really save me, time after time.

Q: How's this piece going so far?

It's a little early to tell, but I'm happy with the opening.

Q: Are there any subjects you haven't written about, but wish you had?

Yes. I wish I'd written about competent leadership in the White House that treated all Americans with respect and dignity. I admit I haven't done that. Yes, over there, the gentleman in the blazer.

Q: What's your favorite color?

I like royal blue. But also tan.

Q: You live in Southern California. Do you have any thoughts about the wildfires there?

I'm against them.

Q: President George Bush was asked how he compared the government response to the Katrina disaster and wildfires. He answered that history would have to judge them. What do you think of his response?

History will have to judge it.

Q: If you could be any tree, what kind would you be?

I'd be a tree in Northern California. Or preferably out of state.

Q: I'd like to get back to your excellent writing, because there's much about it that remains unanswered. What kind of keyboard do you use?

A Logitech cordless. If anyone would like the model number, you can check with my secretary later.

Q: Do you ever write longhand first?

Absolutely. If anyone wants to know which pieces were done that way, you can check with my secretary later.

Q: What's your secretary's name?

I don't have a secretary.

Q: I'd like to get some personal insight, if I may, about something on most peoples' minds, I believe. To what do you attribute your good looks?

Honestly, to give full credit, that's all due to good jeans.

Q: Don't you mean good "genes"?

No, I generally wear really nice Dockers. Tan.

Q: Were you inconvenienced by the wildfires?

Oh, definitely. A lot of local TV programming got pre-empted. But when there's a natural disaster you have to sacrifice. I know we lose sight of that as a nation, given the ease which people have had it while a war is fought in Iraq, but of course that's not really a "natural" disaster, just a foreign and domestic policy one. Believe me, if President George Bush ever asked anyone in America to sacrifice, I'm sure some would. Either that, or there'd be such an uproar that the war would end. So, it would turn out fine either way.

Q: I have a follow-up. What do you think of the Fall TV season?

A little weak, although I hear there are some good mid-season replacement shows. Over there, the lady in the back.

Q: Do you expect San Diego to get federal aid before New Orleans?

Hmm. That's really a trick question. Of course, I expect it. Absolutely. On the other hand, I don't expect anyone to get federal aid.

Q: What's 4+2?


Q: Do you work hard on getting what you write to be so good, or does it come naturally?

That's for history to judge.

Q: Thanks very much for your time. This was very insightful and helpful.

Could you phrase that as a question, please.

Q: Thanks very much for your time. This was very insightful and helpful, wasn't it?

Yes, it was. Extremely.