Joe the Plumber is Very Queer

In an interview with Christianity Today magazine, popular Republican spokesman Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher (better known by his beloved cartoon name, 'Joe the Plumber') was discussing homosexuals, or as he deftly put it, "queers," and explained that "I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children."

Finally, I can empathize with him about something. After all, that's how I feel about Michele Bachmann.

Okay, in fairness, it's how I feel about Michele Bachmann near anyone. And I also think my concern is far more valid than Mr. Wurzelbacher's. If a homosexual (sorry, "queer") is in the vicinity of Mr. Wurzelbacher's children, there's basically a zero chance that anything would happen, even if the guy started singing a medley from "High School Musical." On the other hand, if Michele Bachmann started talking, the odds skyrocket that all those within hearing distance would instantly become terrified because she is speaking for the United States of America.

And being fair here, I have to admit that that's also how I feel about Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher. Just knowing that he has been given a public microphone cheapens the concept of life as we know it. After all, thanks to John McCain inviting him on the same platform, providing this unlicensed plumber a world stature, scientists have begun to question Charles Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theory.

I even feel uncomfortable knowing that Mr. Wurzelbacher and I come from the same life source. If it turns out that Michele Bachmann does, too, I'm going to be really pissed off.

Of course, who really should be pissed off is the Republican Party, which has put such a loving effort into cultivating the trademarked "Joe the Plumber" cartoon character persona for Mr. Wurzelbacher to perform on tour. And then their spokesman - regularly invited to speak to GOP conventions - suddenly makes mean-spirited ignorance look like a qualification for party membership.

"People don't understand the dictionary," the eminent Professor Wurzelbacher lectured, "- it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur..."

He's right, providing your definition of "slur" doesn't include meaning "disparaging." And your definition of "dictionary" doesn't include the Merriam-Webster.

Indeed, this is a man of many talents (although none includes being a registered plumber in his home state of Ohio). "You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do," Reverend Wurzelbacher preached to Christianity Today, "- what man and woman are for."

He's right, again, providing your Bible reading does include Exodus 21:7. ""If a man sells his daughter as a female slave, she is not to go free as the male slaves do." You don't get more explicit than that. In fairness, however, Biblos.com lists 12 different versions of that one line, so maybe God isn't as explicit as Joe the Preacher thinks.

The only thing that is explicit is that Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher is queer. (That's not a slur. It just means strange and unusual.) After all, he says, "I've had some friends that are actually homosexual." ("Had" as in, previously.) But then he adds, "they know where I stand," so one wonders if the queer Mr. Wurzelbacher defines "friendship" like he does "slur."

Given how the Republican Party just held its Pizza Party in an effort to "re-brand" themselves and open their Big Tent to all, it's surprising that there haven't been any cries of outrage from Republican "leaders," abhorring this homophobia. We can assume, therefore, that the Republican Party does invite open queers like Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher as their strange and unusual spokesmen.

And that only makes sense, since the party accepts Michele Bachmann as a strange and unusual spokeswoman, too. It's not that far a leap from one to the other.

The only thing surprising about Michele Bachmann as a Republican official and regular spokeswoman is that she was elected in Minnesota.

Minnesota? Minnesota is so normal it makes Nebraska look wacky. From summers I spent near Duluth, I still remember a radio ad for Goldfine's department store selling "Potted plants, potted in pots." That's how plain-spoken normal Minnesota was. They must be mortified at Michele Bachmann.

Of course, Minnesota has gone through rough political times recently. Electing Jesse Ventura, holding the Republican National Convention, unable to get Norm Coleman to admit defeat. Ever since Garrison Keillor left, the state has been in a downward spiral.

And so you get Michele Bachmann. Minnesota's version of Katherine Harris. Politics' version of "Desperate Housewives." Someone so needy to get on TV she'll say anything, humiliate herself, and come back begging for more. She's like Joe McCarthy but with better hair and absolutely no power. Calling for "anti-American" investigations of Congress. Hoping for an "armed and dangerous" revolution. Suggesting that Democrats want mandatory "re-education camps." And just last week, getting history totally wrong by drawing a non-existent link between swine flu and Democratic presidents. What is Minnesota's 6th District thinking? Do they just need a good laugh? Because honestly, I'd accept that as the only explanation.

Yet, despite it all, Republicans embrace her, proud to have her as a spokeswoman, as well, putting her on the dais with party chairman Michael Steele. Shouting to him, "You be da man!"

Michele Bachmann is queer, too.

But that's not a slur. It means "strange and unusual."

Just like the Republican Party these days.

Full of queers. According to their cartoon spokesman, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher.


Updated.

Comments

[SocksForChristmas]

May I make a respectful request: PLEASE don't refer to Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection as "survival of the fittest."

[martinfrosa]

This is America Elisberg - any idiot can get in front of a microphone - even you!

[MollieinATL]

Thank you, Mr. Elisberg! This is one of those rare columns that doesn't merit a witty comment.

On a morning that saw Joe the Plumber, Bristol Palin, and Miss California pop up in the news - nothing more needs to be said. I will print your column (yes, print!) and refer to it over the coming months as the GOP tries to birth its new image.

[WoodsonTaylor]

Calling Joe queer insults queers. Who's going to think only "strange and unusual" when seeing "queer" paired with his name?

On the other hand, with a single headline, you've saved Sam Joe's kids by diverting the attention of his queer friends to Daddy. A solution for vulnerable children of Average Joes everywhere. If only our Joe had thought of that…

Sam Joe doesn't tell us which dictionary he consulted for his benevolent non-slur, but from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary for "queer":

1 a: worthless, counterfeit b: questionable, suspicious 2 a: differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal b (1): eccentric, unconventional (2): mildly insane: touched c: absorbed or interested to an extreme or unreasonable degree: obsessed d (1) often disparaging: homosexual (2) sometimes offensive : gay 4b3: not quite well.

Perhaps too late in the 2008 campaign, Michele Bachmann’s DFL opponent raised big cash after one of her extreme, unreasonable revelations on a subject that was worthless, counterfeit, questionable, & suspicious. There’s speculation she's not quite well.

By Sam Joe’s reasoning, she’s queer times four, minimum. But, would any queers claim her? Log Cabins, speak up. (Are there any lesbian Log Cabins, or is it only gay guys who choose this lifestyle of cognitive dissonance?) …

Synapse! We’ve underestimated our Joe's logic: Every person is unique. God has given each of us at least one small aspect of ourselves that is strange and unusual.

We’re all queer.

Including your kids, Joe.

[TorhamZed]

Democrats should declare a special Day of Appreciation for Joe, Rush, and Michele. Just to recognize their tremendous contributions in recruiting new supporters of the Democratic Party. Send them all big bouquets of flowers, and huge bottles of vitamins!

[JanaK63]

America is not just a nation of Christians...there are just as many Jews, Muslims, Atheists, etc. Tolerance for other people's beliefs is what this country needs most, otherwise, we might as well live in Iran.

[harriscrl3]

Joe the Plumber not a real plumber name isnt really joe not an actor playing a character but is reality he calling himself by what seems like a stage name and have the audacity to call Gay people queer. Take a look in the mirror buddy you are the one that is DANGEROUS to your children. You are telling them its OK to go through life being a Fake character and not having a real job.

Carol

[MajorKong]

I just wonder what bizarro alternate universe we're living in where someone like Wurzelbacher gets to be the national spokesman for a major political party.

[Reighben Labilles]

Because that's what the GOP elites want, they want to be the party of the "Average Joe". Joe the plumber, Joe the gun toti'n , bible lov'n, queer bash'n white guy/or girl who embodies traditional "American" and "Judeo-Christian" Values. Its all part of the GOP elite's plan to pander to the sector of American society who refuses actual progress and social harmony so that they can remain in power. Why? Because its easier to have an unquestioning, unthinking, loyal base that will follow the party talking points every step of the way--all in their attempt to be "patriotic" and "revolutionary". The elites continue this tradition of suppressing free thought in their party base so that their loyalty will not waver. If these people got a whiff of the truth--that they are just being used by the rich--I believe real and progressive change will occur even in the conservative class.

[Aranxa]

You got that right

[smike]

Excellent read with a good laugh at the end. Good on you.

[apoyo]

Joe the "plumber" is definitely queer.

[theotherhilary]

First of all, this piece by Mr. Elisberg is just BRILLIANT. When I read the original article about "Joe the Plumber's" most recent words of stupidity, I was going to blog about it myself but would not have been as articulate. While I hate to even mention Michele Bachmann’s name in public, for fear of making her craziness known to more people, I’m glad to see her put on the same level here as Joe the Plumber, both idiotic, nonsensical people.

Secondly, I must address the comment posted here by Mary2009. The "hostility" you think Mr. Elisberg is demonstrating in his blog is NOT about Christianity - it is about people, like Joe the Plumber and perhaps even you, Mary2009, who believe the Bible is explicit in its teachings. The Bible is an ancient book that is open for interpretation. Mr. Elisberg very clearly illustrates with the Exodus 21:7 example how some Christians pick and choose which Bible passages to explicitly accept as written. Since the Bible was written, our cultural norms, science, laws, penalty structure, gender roles, etc. have changed and evolved. Religion must evolve as well.

[smike]

I'm afraid you waste your effort by opining, "Religion must evolve as well."

Evolving and God are a nasty mix for those people.

[PINO]

You are willing to throw out a moral code JUST because society has evolved? You are willing to throw out a moral code JUST because your cultural norms have become twisted? You are willing to throw out a moral code JUST because science, laws, penalty structure, gender roles, etc. have changed and evolved?

The reasons you list "Since the Bible was written" are those same reasons GOD rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah. You want to throw out the moral principals that this country was founded upon so you can achieve self-gratification. Well I'm sorry. Those who follow the Bible and the teachings of Jesus Christ don't agree with you or Mr.s Elisberg's "brilliant" piece.

[Jenny Fleming]

This would be correct if it weren't for the fact that our entire society is comprised of different "moral codes". What is immoral or vulgar to you may be perfectly acceptable to another person and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. This does not create a disharmonious situation. What does, however, is when people try to use their own person "moral code" to determine the path of others and society as a whole. When our country was founded, slavery was commonplace and women were considered objects who weren't allowed to own property or vote. Is it your opinion then, that those things should still be in place in our society simply because that is how they were when our country originated? That's what countries and societies do. They evolve to hopefully become more accepting, more prosperous, and more harmonious. Regardless of your moral or political views, as long as any group- whether it be homosexuals, women, various religions, etc., continue to be oppressed, our society will never have the opportunity to reach its full potential. It's a shame that your "moral code" doesn't consist of being a loving and accepting individual. Jesus Christ was a peaceful person who aimed to unite people rather than divide them. If you followed the true teachings of Jesus Christ and didn't twist them to ft your narrow scope of the world, you would probably know this.

[Aranxa]

Are those the same reasons God had Lot's daughters engage in incest with their father after He let these chosen "righteous" people out of Sodom?

[maumeeone]

I will allow that you believe that the Bible is the unerring word of God, to be believed literally and in its entirety. But I don't have to agree with your opinion. To me, the Bible was written to tell a story to a population consisting of uneducated, illiterate nomads. The stories in it were meant to make a point that they could understand.

I question why those who believe in the literal translation of this book tend to pick and choose which parts to take literally. Should a Christian eat pork when it's forbidden in the Bible? Do you keep Kosher? That's in there too. What about slavery & stoning & cutting off people's hands. There are plenty of examples from which to choose. It's my humble opinion that if you're going to take it literally, you take the whole thing and not just the parts which agree with your agenda.

I simply cannot understand these "literalists". They want to bang us over our collective heads with their Bible, yet they only want to use certain parts of it!

[superfrog]

I wonder what the Log Cabin Republicans think of the GOP's "re-branding" efferts.

[JillBond]

If I could climb through the computer, Mr. Elisberg, I would do just that in order to give you a hug! Thank you for writing what I would have said if I had your wit.

[oafishcad]

Everyone who thinks Joe the Plumber didn't mean it as a slur, raise your hand. Gee, no hands up.

[Realityism]

I'm sure he won't mind if we start calling him Joe the Queer.

[WinslowLeach]

This "person" is the dagger for the republican party's suicide.