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Robert J. Elisberg

Robert J. Elisberg

Posted: January 4, 2010 11:23 AM

Editor's Note: This post is a work of satire. All attributed quotes are fictional.

Last week, news headlines trumpeted, "Disney World Employee Arrested on Porn Charges." Republicans in Congress immediately called for investigation of Disney World.

"Disney World has been undermining the American entertainment process, and this is further proof," James Inhofe (R-OK) angrily commented. "Liberals have used Disney World entertainment for their own purposes, and this has to stop. "

Democrats, however, say that an investigation is completely uncalled far, since the arrest of a single employee is not indicative of corporate Disney policy.

"That was the liberal defense of ACORN," Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) replied. "It's just what I'd expect during the Obama Administration But when an employee does something illegal, Americans understand it is the company that is at fault."

Some people might claim this controversy is different from ACORN, which concerned actions by employees while doing their jobs. But Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) contends that that is precisely the same here.

"Don't let anyone tell you that spreading pornography isn't just one more part of the Disney form of entertainment, to suck audiences in," the former presidential candidate noted. "Arielle was darn near naked. Mulan was a cross-dresser. And Donald Duck doesn't wear pants."

A spokesman for Mr. McCain later denied charges that the senator was just embittered because of claims that he was the role model for the cranky old man in Up.

Amid Republican charges, the Walt Disney Company has been aggressive in its response. "What we do is make wholesome entertainment," said Robert Iger, CEO of the company. "When one employee impacts the public's view of the Disney experience, we are the victim."

"That was the liberal defense of ACORN," Sam Brownback claimed. "But it is the Republican Party who is most hurt. Because we have always had faith in the Disney Company, and that makes this about loss of faith. It is an attack on the Christian religion."

Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly took up the charge. "This is one more battle in the War on Christmas by pinheads. And we have hidden video footage to prove it," adding "Shut up!"

Defenders of the hidden tape contend that video of an employee selling a chocolate-covered frozen banana is suggestive and lewd. And inappropriate for children. They additionally point out that this is something that not only goes on throughout the park, at designated distribution points.

When an O'Reilly producer confronted Disney's most public spokesman, his total failure to respond gave weight to Republican charges.

"All Mickey Mouse did when challenged by the Factor's cameras was put his hands to his mouth and giggle," the Fox host challenged. "This is no laughing matter to the Factor. Shut up!"

Indeed, it was the use of such creatures that adds to Republican charges, who point out the pervasive presence of mice, a duck, chipmunks, dogs, rabbits (Roger, Brer, and the White), hippopotami, three pigs, and a coven of country bears. Disney World also presents a stage show that tells of a beautiful girl having an affair with a hairy, monstrous, savage animal.

"This is pornographic bestiality, pure and simple. The degradation of family values in America," pointed out Sen. John Ensign (R-NV). "I know all about family values, from every side of it. I can't say more, due to pending legal matters, but families should be able to enjoy Disney World, whichever family it is."

Republican note that the problem at Disney World goes far beyond pornography and bestiality, and comparisons to ACORN. They claim that it is a haven for the occult.

"I was outraged to discover ghosts and demons haunting a mansion," former governor Mike Huckabee (R-AK) stated. "And a roomful of singing birds is enchanted by charms and talismans."

Democrats claim that Disney World is nothing more than light-hearted entertainment. However, reports show that these activities occur across the country, as well, at Disneyland in California. Moreover, similar instances have shown up around the world, in Europe and Tokyo. Smaller sleeper cell bases expand the Disney base.

"This is a world-wide conspiracy," insists former part-time governor Sarah Palin. "And I understand all this because I was at the World Showcase at EPCOT Center and could not only see the Russian pavilion from there, but China, Morocco and Germany. These countries are all hotbeds of terrorism, and there is paling around everywhere you look. The Disney world view is like one big Death Panel training ground. It's just what I'd expect during the Obama Administration."

(Disney officials note that there is no Russian pavilion at EPCOT.)

One Republican member of Congress called a press conference on steps of the U.S. Capitol.

"What their minimizing this crisis shows is how traitorous the Democratic Party is. We should break into the homes of every Democrat and arrest them at gun point," called out Michelle Bachman (R-MN 6th). "And if they resist, shoot them. And we should put miniature radio receivers in their heads to monitor them. And monitor their goldfish, too."

The Republican National Committee sees the Disney single-employee problem as a potential big political issue. They've begun pouring money into organizing a totally grassroots protest of Disney.

"This is whack and fashizzle," RNC chairman Michael Steele says. "I'm down with that because it's all rap, homey. It's just what I'd expect during the Obama crib."

Added former NYC major Rudolph Giulani, "This is like 9/11 all over again."

Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was interviewed for this article, but could only cry.