09/19/2006 01:31 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Saving America, One Moat at a Time

The United States has announced they will be building a really big trench around the city of Baghdad to help win the War on Terror.

So many thoughts. Only 10 fingers with which to type.

For starters, no, this isn't a sketch from "Saturday Night Live."

When the President said we were going to Stay the Course and dig in, who knew he meant it literally?

Didn't they try this exact same strategy at the Battle of Agincourt in 1415?

If "the safety of America depends on the battle in the streets of Baghdad," does this count as part of that battle, or are the encircling trenches officially outside those streets?

If the safety of America actually has come down to building big ditches, let's hope they at least put some really scary, giant worm-creatures inside that will slurp up the enemy should they try to sneak across.

Does this mean the "huge, protective bubble over Baghdad" idea got vetoed?

No, it's not April Fools Day.

Wouldn't you swear that this was a suggestion Bart Simpson came up with?

In fairness, the military has denied there will be a giant trench. "To say there is going to be a moat around the city is a bit of a stretch," said spokesman Lt. Col. Barry Johnson. Phew, that's a relief! Johnson clarified: "It will be a series using the natural terrain that already exists, such as canals, and some obstacles."

See! That's not a giant trench at all. Also, there is no civil war in Iraq, just a series of shootings that already exist naturally in Iraq between its citizens.

Spokesman Johnson noted that this "series of obstacles" will "ensure movement [solely] through checkpoints," directing everyone into Baghdad through "predictable paths."

Happily, this is the exact same strategy that has worked so well for the U.S. at the Mexican border.

"The enemy is changing tactics, and we're adapting," President Bush said Friday. "The enemy moves, and we will help the Iraqis move." Adding, "They got a 'clear-build-and-hold' strategy."

(Actually, "adapting" is conforming to different conditions. This is calling Home Depot for landscaping help.)

The enemy is changing tactics? To what? Planting even more roadside bombs? Detonating even more explosives? That's not a "change in tactics," that's a show of strength. Okay, to be fair, they taught this in the National Guard during that period when Mr. Bush was likely AWOL. And, yes, the enemy has changed tactics - but that was three years ago, right after we showed up and Accomplished our Mission.

So, in response to all this, our brand new tactic is building a "series of obstacles"? Question: what were we doing before??

Say, if they want to win the war faster, they could change tactics even more and ban insurgents from bringing in liquids and gels.

And the "safety of America" depends on this? Building a "series of obstacles" to keep the enemy from entering the city. It sounds more like strategy for Dungeons & Dragons.

If the Iraq War was a TV show, Donald Rumsfeld just ran out of ideas and has Jumped the Shark.

A moat? This is what the "safety of America" has come to? This?

You think that insurgents might figure out another way to explode their bombs over the trench? Rocket launchers, perhaps. Or maybe catapults left from that Battle of Agincourt.

You think it's at least possible that while trying to keep insurgents out of Baghdad, they might already be in?

But even with all that, of course, even if you have encircled Baghdad with a "series of obstacles" to protect it, there's still a problem.

What about the rest of Iraq?

This is the Iraq War, after all. The crackerjack trench plan puts the insurgents outside of Baghdad with all their weapons. And all of Iraq before them.

The largest territory in Iraq is Anbar Province, to the west. According to the Washington Post, a U.S. military report states that Anbar is now remarkably under the control of al Qaeda. (Which likely wasn't even in the country before we Accomplished our Mission.) And the report continues, "there is almost nothing the U.S. military can do to improve the political and social situation there."

Under al Qaeda. Almost nothing to do. And the war for entire nation of Iraq rages on.

Meanwhile, we're building a really big "series of obstacles" around Baghdad.

Our new tactic.


Just another name for digging ourselves a bigger hole.