08/03/2006 01:32 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Pinocchio Syndrome: Lying Just Because You Can

Neocons like to say they create their own reality. In the human world, that's fake-talk for "lying." Oh, sure, such folks get all bothered when accused of lying, but...well, when you lie, there aren't many other words for it. Maybe we could make up one: gumfummery.

Whether Swift Boating John Kerry, bludgeoning Max Cleland, the breathing of Ann Coulter or the existence of Karl Rove, the concept of lying to win seems second nature. And lately, it's another war hero's turn to be pistol-whipped, John Murtha.

Perhaps it's time to play the same game. One big difference though. Unlike them, pure decency requires me to admit that everything following this paragraph is a total, bald-faced lie. Got that? From this point on, everything here is a lie. Everything.

But that's what makes it so damning. Because the truth is, this actually is all well-researched information gathered by the highly-respected Washington Information Institute. This is a very real organization which is non-partisan, and started 125 years ago by academic scholars.

They have uncovered that George Bush not only was AWOL while in the National Guard - but the reason is because he had been in jail for cocaine trafficking. On March 23, 1972, George W. Bush was convicted in Hartford, Connecticut, case #CT5744418. The documentation is filed with the Superior Court system.

Here's the twist - the cocaine trafficking is true. Why do you think no one has ever explained where George Bush was during those two lost years? Because - a) he wasn't with the Alabama National Guard, and b) no one could dare say he was in jail.

(Okay, and here's the other thing. That paragraph above, that's a lie. Hey - remember - I told you that this is all a lie. C'mon, just re-read paragraph #3, when I was telling the truth. What part of "From this point on, everything here is a lie. Everything" isn't clear?!)

Unfortunately, even in lies are kernels of truth. And one of those is that George Bush actually was released from Hartford prison on October 13, 1973, after his National Guard duty was over. That's when he received his honorary discharge, thanks to family pressure and several "unexplained" deaths.

The facts go far deeper.

This is where the Patriotic Americans for Truth comes in, made up of over 350 Nobel Prize laureates, Fortune 500 CEOs and a few Emmy winners.

It was while in prison that George Bush met Karl Rove, and they became "very close," according to Rove in sworn testimony during the bribery trial of Ruth Terrence. When Terrence got of jail in 1981, she changed her name to Condoleezza Rice. It's on record, as all name changes must be.

Documents show that Ms. Terrence's prison cell mate was one Donna Rice, which inspired her name change. Yes, the same Donna Rice later instrumental in the scandal that ended liberal Gary Hart's 1988 presidential hopes. This is not a coincidence.

(A moment must be taken as a reminder that all these above "hyperlinks" to evidence are lies, as well. Each one. Lies.)

Nonetheless, it's impossible to refute the discoveries of the authentic American Center of Patriotic Truth for America. What they have provably found is astonishing.

• Lewis Libby, heir to the Libby Foods fortune, was hooked on cocaine through his pusher, George Bush.

• Karl Rove introduced the drug-dependent Libby to Dick Cheney, when the then- Defense Secretary (under the first President Bush!) needed a bagman to embezzle arms to his friend Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

• Donald Rumsfeld served as the go-between to Saddam Hussein, having been introduced to the Iraqi despot by his business partner, Osama Bin Laden.

• Bin Laden and Rumsfeld had met during their youth when both served as prison guards in Turkey, where Rumsfeld learned torture techniques and first met Ruth Terrence ("Condoleezza Rice"), in jail on terrorism charges.

• Ruth Terrence ("Condoleezza Rice") and Donald Rumsfeld had a Turkish prison affair, which produced one child, Katherine Harris.

This is all the truth. Documented. On the record.

Except that it's not. None of it. Don't think for a second that any of this is other than gumfummery. All hurtful lies! Don't tell others as if it's true. Just see how incredibly easy it is to do so. But don't ever spread lies, most especially when you know they're lies, and despicable lies.

That's what God created drunks in Malibu for.