09/25/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Republican Death Panel

It's been quite bewildering how worked up conservative members the Republican Party have gotten over the fake-concept of Death Panels. Indeed, if you had asked, it would have seemed like Death Panels are not only precisely what the far right would love, but have been relentlessly pushing for years. Yet here the GOP is, manufacturing the existence of fake Death Panels...only to criticize them.

Criticize them?? Color me utterly confused. Death Panels seem to be at the very core of the far right Republican philosophy.

"I would be for an exemplary hanging or two. Have it in Times Square...If that's what it takes to maintain popular support, let's do it."
- Charles Krauthammer, on killing AIG executives

"I was going to recommend boiling in oil in Times Square,"
- Mort Kondracke, on killing AIG executives

"I'd use American snipers on some of these guys -- what do you call them? -- coyotes."
- Pat Buchanan, on how he'd handle Mexican border security by killing, if he was U.S. Ambassador.

"I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.
- Rep. Michele Bachman (R-MN), on killing those who support reducing carbon emissions.

"Totally ironically, Zeke Emanuel is on my death list. Hold the applause. I'm going to be on the death panel."
- Ann Coulter, on killing the senior health care advisor to President Obama

"You gonna drink your wine?...Drink it. Drink it. Drink it...By the way, I put poison in your....(laughs) Nooo."
- Glenn Beck joking about poisoning Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

"We have the chance to fight this battle at the ballot box before we have to resort to the bullet box."
-Catherine Crabill, Republican nominee for Virginia's House of Delegates, on killing people who are against the Tea Party movement

"The first thing that would make me feel a little bit better towards them if they'd follow the Japanese model and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I'm sorry,' and then either do one of two things -- resign, or go commit suicide."
- Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), on suggesting AIG executives kill themselves

"John Murtha. The reason soldiers invented fragging."
- Ann Coulter, on killing Rep. John Murtha (D-PA)

"...if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.
- David Feherty, CBS golf commentator, on killing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV)

"Different people from Washington, DC, have come back to their districts and have town hall meetings, and they almost got lynched." (The audience breaks into applause.) "I would assume you're not approving lynchings, because we don't want to do that" (Then makes a choking gesture that provokes further laughter.)
- Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) joking with a laughing crowd, on killing Democrats in Congress

"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens's creme brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media."
- Ann Coulter, joking about killing Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens


One would think that with such a long, illustrious history of support for vindictive killing, conservative Republicans would want to return to their roots. After all, here is a bill that finally does what they've long been advocating, exterminating people you don't want around - and yet they're out protesting against it! What is going on??

The fact that the fake-Death Panels would be government sanctioned would seem to be the main selling point to right wingers. Then they wouldn't have to "joke" about murdering people they don't like -- because it wouldn't be murder! It would be the law. You not only could do it... it would be government mandated.

Okay, okay, it wouldn't be government mandated because it's not actually in the bill. But that's all the more reason to fight for it. It's what they want -- killing people they find useless. So, here's their chance to get it codified! Yet...yet, they're whipping up resistance against their greatest fantasy.

For goodness sake, neocons want to bomb any nation they don't like. They got a war against Iraq that didn't attack us. They want to poison, lynch, frag, kill every person who goes against them. Die, die, die, die!!!! And here's a bill that could fake-legalize it all. It's the Whole Enchilada. The Brass Ring. A Game-winning Grand Slam.

And they're protesting it.

It's so disappointing. You try to fake-give to Republicans something you're sure they can get behind, killing their opponents, and they let you down.

So much for bi-partisanship.

Then again, maybe that's why Republicans are protesting. They're not against Death Panels at all.

They're against Death Panels that aren't real.