Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Robert J. Elisberg Headshot

This Column Is Written by Glenn Beck

Posted: Updated:
AP
AP

2012-11-25-GB.jpg

Contrary to what it says on the byline above, this column was written by me, Glenn Beck. The apparent "author" of the column, Mr. Elisberg, actually bought the rights from me and put his name on it. But make no mistake, I wrote the article.

I know that some may question this since there is controversy about my not having written my new novel, Agenda 21, available as a lovely Christmas gift. That it was supposedly written by someone supposedly named Harriet Parke, and I supposedly bought the rights from her and supposedly slapped my supposed name on it as the supposed real author. Not true. I know how this whole "buy the rights and slap your name on it" thing works -- so I know that I really wrote Agenda 21. And I have the legal papers that say I did.

Actually, I'm glad to be able to address the controversy here in my own blog which I've been writing on the Huffington Post for six years, although Mr. Elisberg bought the rights to it so he could claim as his own. You may ask why I, Glenn Beck, would write 600 columns for the heathen Huffington Post which is out to destroy the moral fabric America. Well... why do you think I sold the rights for it to Mr. Elisberg?!!

The truth goes deeper. I knew six years ago that I would be writing my novel, Agenda 21, so it was important to get in some practice writing fiction. And that's what my 600 columns here have been -- fiction. So, if Mr. Elisberg (assuming that's even his real name) wanted to buy the rights to my fiction, I was fine with that. After all, I was just doing it for the advance practice. If I could get paid for it, all the better!

You may wonder why I'm acknowledging all this now? Well, now that I have a novel, Agenda 21, that I wrote (not Harriet Parke), it's important to get the word out that I, Glenn Beck, can actually write fiction. Like Agenda 21, which I myself wrote. Not buy the rights and slap my name on someone else's work

If Harriet Parke had written my novel, Agenda 21, the cover would say "written by Harriet Parke." You all know that, my friends. It just says "with Harriet Parke." There are many people I wrote my novel, Agenda 21, "with." I wrote it with my typist, with my assistant, with my heart thinking of all you Americans, and with so many more. They are all "with." They did not write Agenda 21, my novel. I did. Americans, I can't even tell you anything about Harriet Parke. I've never even met her! Let's see the radical left deal with that!

By the way, while I have your attention, my friends, consider this. Look at the name "Parke." Something very interesting reveals itself. The letter "P" is the 16th letter of the alphabet. The letter "A" is the first letter. Subtract it -- you get 15.

Then add 18, for "R." That's 33. Subtract 11, because that's K". You now have 22. And there's only one letter left -- so subtract that 1. And what are you left with, my friends?

21.

Agenda 21. The name of my book. That's their agenda, friends, to make you think I didn't write my book, Agenda 21. And I just uncovered their conspiracy for you. And now you know. This is important. Stand with me, Americans.

Stand with me, and buy my book, Agenda 21 that I actually really wrote and is available now as a Christmas gift. I did not slap my name on someone else's book.

As honest as I've always been with you, my friends, that's how honest I am with you now. You believe what I tell you, so you believe I wrote Agenda 21, my own book.

I've always been an open book. And now, here's that book.

Consider, my friends, the women who claims she edited the "real" book by Harriet Parke. Sarah Cypher is her name. There's the proof, Americans. Cypher! You know what a "cipher" is, of course. It's a secret message, written in code. Think of that, Americans! Yet strangely she doesn't spell it that way. She uses a "Y." Why would she do that, you're asking? Why? Think about that, my friends. "Y." She asks the very same question right in front of you, "Why?"

And the answer is because it's a secret message, written in code. There is no "Sarah Cypher." There is no author named Harriet Parke. I'm not even sure there's a "Robert J. Elisberg," though I cash his checks every week. This is all a conspiracy about how there's no conspiracy.

And believe me, friends, I, Glenn Beck, know conspiracies.

I wrote the novel Agenda 21. I didn't just buy the rights and slap my name on it. I'm a really good novelist. Just look at my other novels. I wrote A Tale of Two Cities, Huckleberry Finn, Aesop's Fables, and My Pet Goat.

But don't buy them. Your library probably has them. Buy my new novel, Agenda 21.

Because I know you'll buy anything.

Available now as a lovely Christmas gift.

A leading expert on fake-writing, Robert J. Elisberg's new comic novella, A Christmas Carol 2: The Return of Scrooge, has just been published in paperback and ebook edition. For those who'll buy anything. And discriminating readers, as well. Available as a Christmas gift.