04/27/2006 01:52 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

What Happens When an Entire Administration Takes the Fifth

As the New Hampshire phone-jamming controversy has intensified, the White House was asked about calls it received from James Tobin, the Republican official convicted in the scheme.

With deputy press secretary Ken Lisaius quoting the outgoing Scott McLellan phrase book, he answered that the White House doesn't comment on ongoing investigations.

And suddenly, everything became clear.

What has been previously thought to be a criminal lack of ethics by the Administration of mythical proportions -- no, it's all been a ploy! An elegant, meticulous, elaborate and perfectly intentional subterfuge.

No one is that crooked. That bumbling. No, the whole point has been to purposely get officials indicted. Then, the White House could stonewall anything even remotely related to the charges, because -- "The Administration doesn't comment on ongoing investigations."

If planted correctly, you'd never have to inform the public about literally anything!! You could do whatever diabolically malevolent activities you want. You're shielded by the lesser indictments!

Just think of it -

Leak the name of a covert CIA agent. Obviously a ridiculous and insane thing to do. But that's a two-year investigation. And by ("I forgot") wangling an easy perjury charge, you've now accumulated three years of "not commenting on an ongoing investigation" -- and that's what lets you avoid accountability for Karl Rove and Dick Cheney when they ordered pizza one night and personally hand-forged 6,000 CIA documents and faked Iraqi cables. Just get Lewis Libby on the phone and tell him to take one for the team.

It works for everything. Plant Jack Abramoff everywhere, make it so egregious (Indians!) it can't be missed -- honestly, who's that corrupt?? -- and then you can cover your butt on the real K Street Project: bribing every Republican official in America. If allegations ever come up? "The White House doesn't comment on ongoing investigations." With Michael Scanlan, Tony Rudy and Tom Noe also indicted -- and "naming" other loyal team players ("Bob Ney, don't ever forget we love you for this, buddy!") -- you just know it's going to be ongoing for a really long time. Probably far into the Matt Santos Administration.

To show how well-planned this has been, Tom DeLay could have easily gotten indicted along with Abramoff and pals, but that would overlap indictments, which is a waste of a House Majority Leader. If you have a nugget like that, you get Tom to fall on his sword alone. Admit it, isn't it just too, too convenient that a man that smart got indicted for the only fundraising law in the state?! No one is that idiotic. No, he gave himself up so that all the other criminal activities by House Republicans can go on without comment by the White House. (They probably operate a drug cartel with the Taliban, are gun running, fixed the National Spelling Bee, muscled in on counterfeiting and gambling, and own an "olive oil import company.") And the White House can't comment "Because it's an ongoing investigation." Just think of all the appeals this one will get! It may run longer than "Law & Order."

The bribery conviction of Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA) may have been the longest sentence in U.S. history for such a crime, but that's penny ante folderol. Please. His payoff was a boat. This is not someone trying to hide what he did. So, why take the fall? Just imagine the atomic reactors his Republican posse sold to Iran, North Korea and Cuba that can't be commented on. That's where the yellow cake went.

David Safavian was top procurement official of the GSA when he got arrested for obstructing the Jack Abramoff investigation. Fiddle faddle. The Rocky Mountains couldn't have obstructed that investigation. No one is that incompetent to gushingly lie over nothing. In reality there's likely another kind of procuring going on beneath the White House. That would explain why they're keeping Guantanamo Bay secret, shuttling the women and barnyard animals back-and-forth. But because David Safavian took a bullet, the White House can't comment.

And now this New Hampshire phone jamming conviction. Phone jamming? Do you believe something so juvenile? No, no, this is probably about how every single telephone in the United States is being wiretapped by the NSA, and Republicans can blackmail any American. How else do you think George Bush got to be President? Twice! James Tobin sacrificed himself, and...

"The White House doesn't comment on ongoing investigations." It's the perfect ruse.

All you have to do is make your entire Administration one long investigation.