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Robert J. Elisberg Headshot

WMD Found! Isn't It Always the Last Place You Look?

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It turns out the White House was right all along. The reason not even a single crumb of yellow cake was ever found in Iraq is because Saddam Hussein actually did move the uranium elsewhere, just as the remnants of diehards always insisted. I know this because I've discovered where it all went.

It's in Iran.

It was a fiendishly clever plan. While U.N. inspectors were busy looking under rocks or focusing on some ally of Iraq, no one ever dreamed of it being stored right next-door with their greatest enemy. What was so cunning is that even if anyone did figure it out, who could check there? Brilliant.

This all became clear when news stories recently reported enriched uranium traces being found in Iran, tied to a military center. It all makes sense now. There had to be uranium! After all, would the Administration honestly have gotten the United States involved in a war for absolutely no reason? Even Ronald Reagan had a reason for invading Grenada. (A bad reason, but it counts when compared to none.) No, the WMD exists, exactly as the President gave his word. Sixteen words, in fact.

It's just that it's all in Iran.

Well, not all. Obviously Iraq wouldn't want to give all of its nuclear material to its mortal enemy. A good hiding place is one thing, but you don't get to be an Evil Empire by being stupid. No, they split it up, and hid the rest, the really dangerous stuff in North Korea.

Ah, see? It's all starting to become clear now, right?

Here's the thing: Saddam Hussein knew there was always one, totally-insane possibility that the U.S. might also attack Iran, and his own stockpile hidden there could get destroyed in the crossfire. But North Korea, no, not even President Bush would likely be lunatic enough to nuke North Korea and risk bringing in the Chinese. So, North Korea was the perfect back-up hiding place.

This had the further advantage for Iraq of spreading itself as a target. To wipe out all of Saddam's WMD, the U.S. would be forced to divide its military between Iraq, Iran and North Korea. And, of course, the oft-forgotten Afghanistan. (The U.S. would have to stay there, since that's who actually attacked America.) Ultimately, four nations would be too much for a President on record against nation-building.

As a final coup in his plan, Saddam knew this would spread American troops so thin there'd be none left to protect the U.S. border from Mexicans. Let alone, God forbid, the Quebecois sneaking in to Albany to spread French.

Check, and checkmate. Or so it would seem.

In fact, however, this all is the real reason the Bush Administration is against the import of cheaper prescription drugs from Canada. It has nothing to do with being in the pocket of pharmaceutical lobbyists, like people so-wrongly assume. No, it's a national defense strategy, all part of the War on Terror. You see, since even the "Minutemen" know it's impossible to build a 3,0000-mile wall along the U.S.-Canadian border, that leaves the entire stretch defenseless. Therefore some other plan was needed.

And thus came the Prescription Drug Gambit! (Code-named, Operation Infinite Medication.) By keeping the cost of prescription drugs so high in the U.S., no sane Canadian would even think of crossing into the U.S. And just in case some insane ones might, that's why the Administration is blocking national health care coverage. For lunatic Canadians, psychiatric assistance would be far-too expensive to justify sneaking into the United States. (Code-named, Operation Finite Compassion.)

It all fits. Every part of the puzzle is in place. First, the Bush Administration knows that the Iraq WMD exist -- they're just in Iran and North Korea. Second, the White House knows therefore that one day it might have to be nation-building in more foreign nations than it can handle while keeping troops to guard against Mexico. And three, the otherwise-defenseless U.S.-Canadian border is now protected by medical intervention.

It's perfect. And best of all, it frees up U.S. forces to attack North Korea and nation-build there. And perhaps, because it just might be necessary, in China.