Are you single and dreading the holidays? You may feel alone, but you are not. Forty-five percent of the adult population (104 million people) is single. Twenty-seven percent of households are a person living alone.
Many people who are single treat their "condition" as if it's a disease, a defect and something to be ashamed of, thinking that this is a couple's world, even though almost half of adults are single. But if being single were a defect, then the following would make sense:
Well, think about it. Does this make sense? Or, can being single be a choice -- often a good choice, a temporary experience, a situation with advantages and disadvantages, and something to accept -- and build on -- during the entire year?
How do you handle the holidays?
Let's look at the most problematic ways to cope during this "festive" season. Do you drink more, binge eat or get high on drugs? Do you isolate yourself, become more passive, lie on the couch and hope to feel better? Do you hope to "wait it out"-- to get past New Year's so you can "live again?" Do you lie around, alone, dwelling on your negative thoughts, ruminating about being alone, feeling down and asking, "Why Me?"
If you do, then it's likely you are either depressed or on the road to becoming depressed.
OK. Let's develop a plan -- and stick with it during the holiday season and throughout the next year.
The best gift to give yourself is to take care of yourself. Rather than over-indulge with drinking, drugs and binging, why not start your New Year's resolution today? Get a head-start. If you over-drink and overeat you are likely to feel worse. You might feel better for an hour, but you'll feel even worse the next day. Commit to self-care. Start your healthy eating now, cut back or eliminate drinking -- during the holidays -- and after. Go to the health club, start taking long walks, plan pleasure days just for you. Give yourself the gift of caring about yourself. After all, rather than rely on others, you are always there to take care of you.
Depression goes hand and hand with passivity. No one says, "It's been a great day; I stayed in bed all day". Get busy, make plans, carry them out. You might start by having an action plan for every day this week -- and some longer-term goals for the next month and next year. Pull yourself into the future, choose to do things -- even when you don't want to. If you live in a city, turn yourself into a tourist and make the city come alive. Get out of your passivity.
Just because you live alone doesn't mean you have to be alone. Make plans with friends and do things together. Join organizations where people have similar interests -- go onto MeetUp.com. If you are so inclined, get involved at your church, synagogue or mosque. Call people you have missed over the past year. Start being friendly with strangers. I met my wife on the subway 25 years ago. Who knows what can happen?
One way to feel better about yourself is to help someone who is worse off. Volunteer to help the homeless, dish out food at a soup kitchen, sign up to tutor a kid, see if you can visit people at the hospital or take food to the elderly who are housebound. Google "volunteers" in your area and find someone or some cause that needs you. You help yourself when you matter to someone else. One woman volunteered at an animal shelter and found this to be immensely rewarding. I think the pussycat was more powerful than the Prozac.
You may be lying around, dwelling on the negative: "Why am I alone?" or "This really is lousy." Set aside these ruminations and repetitious thoughts and do all the things that I suggested above. Your ruminations will not give you the answer. Escape from yourself and get out into the world. And then celebrate your personal liberation.
To learn more about how to handle feeling alone and down, see my new book, "Beat the Blues Before They Beat You."
Follow Robert Leahy, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AICTCognitive
Robert Leahy, Ph.D.: Is Dwelling on the Negative Hurting You? The Cognitive Costs of Rumination
Alone During the Holidays? Join the Crowd | Psych Central
How to Enjoy Being Alone During the Holidays | eHow.com
Alone for the Holidays: 7 Ways to Beat the Blues | CultureMob
VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins
Depression Center: Symptoms, Causes, Medications, and Therapies
i am always your friend..
i have lots of rescued pets.......and i have to stay home.......alone.....it is ok!
i am here........
we can sing ......talk about whatever makes you happy or sad.!
If you are alone our television-dominated culture makes everybody depressed who is alone during holidays because none of the commercials or consumer-oriented segments of news and talk shows deals with lonely people. All of them paint a picture of happy family or friend reunions splurging on food, alcohol and gifts.
And if you are alone you tend to have the TV on just to have some noise in your house, so you are constantly exposed to these images, which of course are unrealistic, but nonetheless depressing to watch..
This is true for all holidays but the Christmas and New Year time is especially tough because we are at the time of year when the days are short and the weather mostly unpleasant.
I usually combat depression by walking , bicycling or gardening, all of these activities are difficult when the days are short and the weather bad. In spite of the fact that I know that is going to happen I have not found a way to avoid this seasonal depression.
I tried volunteering, but found it ,to be honest, even more depressing.
I tried inviting people but found that what people really want is to be with family not spend their holidays with a “stranger” who has different ideas about holiday traditions than they have. Plus the older you get, the less people are interested in being with you.
This concept of feeling like being alone is a 'disease' is especially true in big cities, where many people and friends pair up to avoid doing every activities by themselves. Because often times people seem to view you as a pariah when you're alone.
But as for the advice given here, its easier said than done..
anyone can come and visit me on salt spring island
bring frankincense and myrhh and gold actually frankincense and Myrrh i have and i would use it more often if the Landlady would permit
seroiusly; due to a head injury which is still healing healing healing via TM i trust , i might not recognize anyone so bring a piece of paper
There are a lot of misconceptions in your statement. The attitude that you reflect above is one reason why a lot of people get depressed because they are single, older or younger.
"No one feels defective if they're single at 21".
Not true! There are lots of younger folk who feel inferior because they single- not that they should, of course!
Also, the above quote is an absolutist statement, and these generally are not true. There is no 100% anything.
"But if they're single at 40 or 50 and have never been married, it's pretty difficult not to feel like a bit of misfit."
A person's self-worth does not stem from being single or not. Also, a person has a lot of control over their feelings and thoughts about his or herself, and does not automatically have to think of him or herself as a misfit, regardless of the reason.
You reflect the common misconception in this society that one has to be have been married in order to not be a loser- an unfortunate misconception that is one reason so many single people get themselves depressed around holidays!
The cited statistics show a higher number of single people than I would've thought. The relationship between my family and friends is what I find most difficult. All of them are married and have children you see, so if I call and want to make plans they often can't and won't be able to until it's on their terms. So I find myself doing things alone meanwhile, which can be great, and can be very lonely too. It just depends on many things.
People often seem to say you should be able to be alone and be happy. I find, like many things, that I'm happy some of the time, and I'm really lonely other times. If I'm alone on a weekend, the first 24 hours are fine; the last 24 hours are tough.
Anyway, happy holidays to my fellow single homo-sapiens. Let's enjoy the silence.
Wanishi.
Try not to feel bad. There are tons of singles out there!