Sexual Addiction: The New Swine Flu Or Vast Female Conspiracy?

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Tiger Woods. Ex-NY Governor Elliott Spitzer. ESPN sportscaster Steve Phillips. Actor David Duchovny. These are but a few of the male species who have raised the awareness of what is currently being termed Sexual Addiction, rendering it a virtual 'mandemic'. The question is: where do you draw the line between this so-called dependency and plain, old super horny?

What these guys did was unquestionably wrong, because they're married. However, if Tiger were single and had sex with a dozen women in a year -- especially "hot" women - would that make him a sex addict? To most men, that makes him a hero. If the bachelor Derek Jeter slept with 10 beauties over the course of a year, some guys might even say, "Step it up, dude. Coulda' been 20." 

Steve Phillips had affairs. He had sex in parking lots after games. If that is the grounds for his term in rehab, I'm getting into the rehab business. Elliot Spitzer had a thing with a hooker. Is he a sex addict? Or just another self-righteous, philandering politician with a penchant for professional sex and the budget to swing it?

We Americans have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. We jump to conclusions. We rush to judgment. We're guilty of premature evaluation. Then we prescribe a quick, pain-free solution. That helps to explain our real addiction in this country, which is to drugs. You just have to watch nightly TV to witness the unending parade of pharmaceutical commercials serving the seemingly infinite introduction of newly discovered diseases.

Is sexual addiction just another one of these newfangled diseases manufactured by drug companies to propel their priapic profits? Or should we really be on the lookout for our male friends who suffer from restless sperm syndrome? And how about the guys who watch Internet porn? Is their predilection for pornography a precursor to an impending addiction or a cry for help from the ever-present allure of masturbatory material?

Ladies and brothers, let us be frank: men are pig dogs. We like sex. We think about sex. We crave sex. A man knows within a millisecond of seeing a woman whether he finds her sexually attractive. It's not something we can help. We don't do it on purpose. We're hardwired this way by Mother Nature. Fortunately, evolved men may also feel sexual attraction based on intelligence, humor, empathy, and many other qualities. It's just that our first natural instinct--not conscious thought, but instinct--is purely physical.

If men could have sex with all the women they found attractive - without consequence - they would. Females have figured this out; ergo the outrage. This sexual addiction movement is a conspiracy orchestrated by women who recognize that if men are put away for their sexual appetite, there won't be any of us left. 

There is only one solution, I'm afraid. We need a new drug for sexual addiction, like a Viagra antidote on demand. They could call it Soft On.

Song of the Day: I Want A New Drug by Huey Lewis and the News
One that won't make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
When I'm alone with you