THE BLOG
03/04/2014 04:56 pm ET Updated May 04, 2014

Stand Your Ground

I think I've found a solution to the debate over open carry laws that will satisfy all sides and answer our many concerns.

Get a tank.

That's right, folks concerned about their safety as they enjoy day to day activities, whether work, school, or just running errands, should buy a tank.

This is really quite possible. One web site, (Tanktownusa.com) explains on its home page that it is "a fully licensed and bonded importer of military vehicles (both soft skinned and armored) of any type or size. We can source almost any jeep, military truck, armored car or tracked vehicle from any location in the world and deliver it directly to your doorstep."

These folks are really into customer service too, so if you're not sure what to get, you can depend on them. For prospective buyers, "If you don't know what your purchasing options are we can help! There is generally a military truck, armored vehicle or tank available for every budget and situation. Once you know your options you can decide which vehicle works best for you, and let us handle the rest! Just ask us how!"

Finally, we have the ultimate stand your ground device. Frankly, if someone ordered me to halt from inside a fifteen ton vehicle with one inch rolled armor plate, I'd freeze. Quickly and totally.

Just think about how many lives this would save. Nobody would challenge a voice from inside a tank, so there would be no provocation, no need for violence.

For those of you concerned about the very real menace of vagrants who might take on a tank, fear not. Armored vehicles, although demilitarized with all guns removed, still have plenty of ports for an AR15 or a Glock. Just in case.

Let me respond to a couple of other possible objections.

What about gas mileage, some of you may ask. How will this affect the environment, pushing around so much weight?

Silly rabbit, most armored vehicles have diesel engines, which everyone knows use less fuel than the gasoline version. Just as a side benefit, that fuel is also a lot less combustible than what we put in our cars now. You don't ever see a tank burning by the side of the freeway, do you?

And, for those thinking of buying tanks with gasoline engines (the Sherman, e.g.) you could always convert them to a hybrid system. I mean, if you're going this far, why not pay for a few frills, especially the kind that will improve mileage?

But I can hear objections from a lot of Americans. Tanks are fine for driving locally, but in many suburbs, let alone rural sections, you have to get on a freeway just to reach the 7-11. And tanks are slow. So how will this solve the personal safety problem for our countrymen in these districts?

As always, American technology, bless its soul, has provided the answer. The World War II M18 tank destroyer easily managed 55 miles an hour, making it the fastest armored vehicle in the world prior to the M1 Abrams tank. Some reports claimed it actually went much faster, and they had to put a governor in place to slow down young studs driving these vehicles. Think about running one of these on the interstate; I promise you, no one will pass on the left.

Armored vehicles are the wave of the future, the ultimate stand your ground tool, the solution to so many issues.

You can post your thanks in the comments section.

Subscribe to the Politics email.
How will Trump’s administration impact you?