My Reaction to the California Marriage Ruling -- As the Plaintiff

There is no such thing as same-sex marriage, because after marriage, sex is never the same.

Despite that, on May 15, the day the California Supreme Court ruled that my partner, Diane Olson, and I could get married, I e-mailed my brother Robert, who was traveling in Spain with his wife, Maureen. We had won! Could they come to our wedding? It wasn't going to be until June 16, the first day it would be possible because the court had ordered a 30-day delay so the state's marriage application forms could be changed to read "spouse and spouse" instead of "husband and wife."

Thirty days? How was I going to lose 30 pounds in 30 days? Obviously, I couldn't, so I decided to leave myself alone. No, I wasn't going to diet. This was going to be the most joyous month of my life and if I wanted to have desserts, so be it.

The e-mails began pouring in. My friend Jan, a lesbian who lives on Fire Island, New York, wrote that she and Edrie, her partner of 49 years, were coming to Los Angeles to get married. They wanted to get married at the same time as two other long-term older couples -- Marilyn and Jean of Los Angeles and another couple, Carlotta and Ann who live in Cherry Grove, N.Y. They know that as a result of lawsuits Lambda Legal and the ACLU brought in New York, marriages of same-sex couples validly entered in other jurisdictions are being honored in New York. So, New York couples who marry in California will be considered married in New York. In addition, New York is one of the few states where same-sex couples resident in the state who married out-of-state can get divorced in the state!

None of these six women, most in their 70s, some in their 80s, had ever dreamed that in their lifetimes it would be possible for them to get married. As Diane says: "Marriage is a universally understood word defining a unique and distinct loving relationship between two people."

Marilyn, an 80-year-old semi-retired veterinarian, told me she had called several courthouses in California to try to arrange a triple wedding performed by a justice of the peace. But it was difficult to get an appointment for all three couples.

I said I would e-mail my friend Rev. Pat Langlois of Metropolitan Community Church Los Angeles and ask if she would perform a non-religious ceremony. Pat said she would be honored.

Wait a minute. Now we needed a rabbi for our own wedding. Although I'm a secular Jew and Diane leans toward Buddhism, we had decided it was very important for us to be married by a rabbi. So I called my friend Rabbi Denise Eger, of congregation Kol Ami, and asked her if she would marry us.

"Of course!" she said. "When?" And I said: "On the first day they issue licenses, June 16."

We started planning. What would we wear? Even before the wedding, we needed a decision for the June 8 Los Angeles Gay Pride parade, Christopher Street West. Earlier, organizers of the parade had told us that along with Rev. Troy Perry and his partner, Phillip Ray De Blieck, the other original plaintiffs in the case, Diane and I were being presented with a 2008 Community Service Award for filing that first lawsuit in California and would be riding in convertibles in the parade. But after we won, they told us that they were giving us a float!

So now we had to plan what to wear on the float. Should we wear tuxedos? Let's face it, I don't exactly look like a lesbian on The L Word. On the other hand, on Liza Minnelli a tuxedo is called cute, on me it's called drag. But it was the gay parade!

Why give up our culture of gender bending, fun, and celebration? This wasn't

about assimilation. This was about civil rights.

The week of the California Supreme Court decision, Bill Rosentdahl, the gay Los Angeles council member for the 11th District, called us to say he was about to read our names into the Los Angeles City Council record because we were the first plaintiffs in the lawsuit and were from L.A. We were invited to brunches and the mayor's reception for Christopher Street West and love came pouring in the form of hundreds and hundreds of phone calls and e-mails.

After 15 years together, and 20 years before that as friends, Diane and I were finally getting married! It was the most joyous week of my life. And then, on

May 22, our attorney Gloria Allred e-mailed me an Associated Press news story headlined: "California Marriage Opponents Seek 5-month Delay."

A conservative legal group, the Arizona-based Alliance Defense Fund, had petitioned the California Supreme Court to put off finalizing its decision on same-sex marriages until voters were given a chance to vote on an amendment that would enshrine laws banning gay marriage in the state constitution. A ruling is expected by the end of June on whether enough signatures have been collected to qualify the amendment for the Nov. 15 ballot. The sponsors said same-sex marriage would cause "unneeded confusion for couples."

Unneeded confusion for couples? They were worried about us? How dare they. How dare they try stopping our hopes and dreams for full equality! Do they have any idea what it is like to have wanted something our entire lives -- the right to love and have that love enshrined in marriage -- then to be given it, only to have it threatened by these anti-gay bigots? What harm are we doing them? I ran in and told Diane. She, my dear, sweet, spiritual partner, was beyond angry.

All of a sudden, a dark cloud came over our house. We looked at each other in disappointment. Then disappointment turned to anger. They had done it to us again. But we pulled ourselves together and said, No, they don't get to keep stealing our joy. We are going to act "as if."

I e-mailed Jan in New York. She said they were coming anyway. They didn't have time to waste waiting, so they would have to rely on the California Supreme Court to make the right decision again. I e-mailed my brother. He said he and Maureen were still coming on June 15, the day before our planned wedding, and also had accepted our invitation to ride on the float with us.

Both my brother and sister-in-law, Canadians who live in Arizona, are polar

opposites to us in their political beliefs. (They would be would be Republicans if they were American citizens.) But they were overjoyed when we won the right to marry! When Robert telephoned me, he said: "Robin, I have been waiting for this day for a long time."

I e-mailed Rabbi Eger. "Not to worry," Denise replied. She would be on call to marry us the minute we could, and gave me her cell-phone number.

Gloria Allred phoned and asked us to join her for a bike ride on the beach that weekend. As tough as she is as an attorney, she is kind and caring, and was reaching out to us as friends, not clients.

When I finally got to bed the evening of May 22, Diane, emotionally exhausted, was already asleep. I wanted to wrap my arms around her but I was afraid of waking her. I lay there, while the pain poured over me. I wanted to believe that this would work out.

Surely, once the public saw the joy on the faces of all of the same-sex

couples getting married in California , and saw that nothing was going to be taken away from their own marriages, they would not vote for a mean-spirited constitutional amendment that protected nothing except the right to discriminate. If only the California Supreme Court would deny the petition, we would stand a fighting chance of defeating the amendment and realizing our dream. If only, if only....

I closed my eyes and fought with my brain, until I finally turned it off and fell asleep.

Robin Tyler is one of the original plaintiffs in the California Supreme Court lawsuit Tyler v. County of Los Angeles. Tyler has been an activist for same-sex marriage and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered rights for four decades. This fall, she will film her one-woman comedy show, Always A Bridesmaid, Never A Groom. By then, she hopes she and Diane will be married. [e-mail]

Comments

[FirstShirt]

Good luck. I have been married 38 years but marriages generally are a challenge.

[Chemwiz]

Congrats Robin & Diane! Hope you feel better now that you call yourselves "married", even though the majority of our country disagrees, including the majority of Californians.

To all who ask "what's the big deal?"...w­ell, very simply, if we keep "changing" literal definitions to suit anyone who cries about their situation, then we're in BIG trouble. Where will it end? All of these "minor" changes are leading into a major breakdown in our culture...­if you don't believe this, just watch the evening news tonight and you'll see what I mean....

[FirstShirt]

I am a republican but I believe we have allowed government interference into the private affairs of people too much and for too long. Historically people of different races couldn't wed in some states. Some consenual acts between even married couples were legislated as crimes. Birth control was illegal in some states. We held up the sacred institution of marriage while allowing racism and sexism to permeate our government­...both democrats and republicans. Enough! I'm tired of the hypocracy. I'm tired of the Spitzers and others like him who are republican and democrat. It isn't a liberal or conservative issue. It is an issue of right and wrong [morality is, as you say, subject to definition].

[MrVinegar]

I watched the news and the only evidence I saw of a "breakdown" of our culture was the soaring divorce rate among opposite-sex couples, opposite-sex couples murdering one another because they are in loveless marriages and opposite-sex couples cheating on their spouses and televising it on such dreck as "Cheaters.­"

Your slippery slope argument of "Where will it end?" is juvenile and moronic at best.

The anti-gay bigots are afraid that gay people will get married because they actually love one another and not for the reasons many opposite-sex couples get married which include: she got knocked-up, I'm almost 30, he/she is good marriage material even though we have nothing in common, it was arranged by parents, et al.

The anti-gay bigots are deathly afraid the gays will be better at marriage and family than they are.

[indypete]

They can't be any worse at it than me.. so far my divorce rate is 75%!

[JerryinATL]

Just because one does not approve of homosexuality, does not make one a bigot. God does not approve of homesexuality, and is god a bigot?

If marriage is so bad, then why are you pushing for it?

You will never ligitimize in peoples hearts what God has wired as sinful.

[indypete]

That's right... we let them gays marry and the next thing you know people will be marrying their dogs!

Come on, man, think for a minute. It used to be illegal for interracial couples to marry, now it's legal... or is that not okay with you either.

[dannyS]

majority doesn't make it right, the founders of this country knew that - that's why all the nutballs want to change the constitution

[jp916]

Congratulations! As someone who lives in Massachusetts and has been married to my partner since 2005 (we have been able to to marry since May 17, 2004) I can say that you will never know another feeling like it! And after many, many couples have been married in CA (as it should be) people who oppose will see that the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west and the world has not fallen off its axis and life goes on as usual.

And yes Robin, after marriage sex is never the same, it's better!

All the best!!!

[bruce9432]

I am a straight dude but now that I can marry anyone, I will look for someone with a house for sale where I can take a 30 year old tax basis and he can receive my cash all without any tax consequences, then quietly divorce. Imagine the possibilities of weath transfers now that all you need to flumux the tax man is a simple marriage license. People in California it is time to strike the iron while it is hot, before the legislature figures this out and eliminates marriage.

[MrVinegar]

What's stopping you from doing that with a woman?

[fletc3her]

The stories I have read about couples who are finally going to be able to marry in California make my heart soar. Thank you to Robin Tyler and all the others who have been brave enough to stand up for civil rights!

[jeffinrr]

Congratulations!

Business travel had me on a flight to San Francisco with several couples flying there to get married during the brief period, a few years ago, when same sex marriages were allowed in California. I got to vicariously experience what felt like a victory celebration. It was a great experience.

I can only imagine the excitement and celebration that's going right now.

All the best to both of you!

[Balancement]

Happiness to you both! But ask your rabbi to pray that the Fundiewingnut Xians (Can't live with 'em, can't throw 'em to the lions anymore) don't find a way to block this most basic of human rights.

[indypete]

"... Can't live with 'em, can't throw 'em to the lions anymore...­"

Great line! Can I use it? Is it PD or do I have to send you a dime every time?

(-;

[Zekester]

My Dear Robin and Diane
I cannot express the joy I feel for you, Diane, and all the couples who will be "Legally Married" next month. My only regret is that I wish I could be there to share this wonderful day with you. Know I will be there in sprit and look forward to seeing photo's of your wedding.
I'm so pleased that you, Diane, Rev. Troy and Phillip will be honored at the Angeles Gay Pride parade with the 2008 Community Service Award. You all deserve this honor for all the years you dedicated in the fight for equality for our community.
I couldn't think of a better way for my Nick, and I, to celebrate our thirtieth anniversary than to travel to California to get married. This would be a dream come true and something we never thought we'd do in our lifetime.
Congratulations and Our Best Wishes
Nick and Zeke

[Bibbo]

I have a question for the same sex marriage people. Why is this so important to you? The argument against gay marriage is religious based and is not going to ever change. Even if the secular world allows gay marriage its not going to change the minds of the people who oppose it and in fact it likely will make your critics view you with more suspicion. If civil unions provide all the legal protection you would get in a marriage why insist on the word"married" when its going to cause such a baklash of resentment?Are you sure its a good thing for you to "win" this new "right"?

[Oneofthesane]

What's with the religious nuts? How on earth does it harm their own marriages to recognize the rights of same sex couples to marry? I think you just have to piss in their Cheerios because you have this need to always feel "better" than someone else. Well, get over it. We are all human. That ridiculous old book you cling to was written by a whole lot of people, some of which were perverts and pedophiles, all of which wanted to control the masses and fatten their own purses. You may as well live your lives according to cave drawings.
I'm straight. I'm married for 23 years. I do not feel threatened by gay couples who wish to take the plunge. I congratulate them on finding love and wish them all good fortune.

[C65]

BIBBO,
It is not just religious based,it is common sense,if used wisely.A man and a
woman are the only one's that can be fruitful,multiply and replenish the earth.
I have no more to say,except, TO EACH THEIR OWN.

[lowlycitizen]

So, gay people should just be happy with the status quo and let things be to avoid "making critics suspicious?" I suppose Rosa Parks could've moved from her seat, too, because that's what the majority of the people in the bus wanted.

This is about civil rights. Same-sex couples have the same claim and rights to the word "marriage" as anyone else.

[lysistrata]

Why is it so important to you they not use the word marriage? No one owns the word. My marriage is not affected by other people same sex or not calling their union marriage. You live by your religion and others live by their religion. The sanctity of marriage depends on the couples, they are the once who honor and share.rega­rdless of sex. See the rate of divorce.

Why deny other people their happiness, they have as much a right to be happy as wel do.

[rachaelisacancer]

Key words: "religious based"

Meaning the arguments have no validity based on the rights of every citizen in America.

Gay people at this point I'm sure could care less what other people think of their marriage so long as their rights aren't being denied.

[AJinCamden]

Best wishes to you, Diane, and your friends and families.

[EbonBear]

Congratulations to you and your bride-to-be. May you have long and happy lives together.