THE BLOG

Guys, You Will Never Top Him, So Quit Trying!

07/26/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

President Bill Clinton's great legacy, the "I'm Not Getting Enough Attention Peccadillo", or INGEAP is bringing down important pol's on an almost weekly basis these days. INGEAP favors no party or sexual preference, has no boundaries, and cannot be killed, as long as there are needy, ambitious mirror-gazers in public office. In fact INGEAP has given rise to a growing, perhaps subconscious, competition among big league pols; call it 'America's Next Top...Dog', wherein office-holders aspire to Clintonesque INGEAP stature.

Cases in Point:

1. John Edwards; seemed like a contender, for a while. His flameout was spectacular, and the aftermath is, of all things, genuinely uplifting. He gets points for surprisingly heartwarming plot twist, but the Bad He has been completely eclipsed by the Good She; Moral High Ground, please welcome Elizabeth Edwards, UNescorted. Contenders do not let this kind of thing happen, John.

2. Eliot Spitzer's 'Hotel for Dawg' romp had early speed. It was admirably hubristic, featured a rich collection of utterly bonkers supporting players, and involved storied locations. But it happened over a year ago, and nary a peep since! Mr. Spitzer appears to have gone to ground so thoroughly one suspects he might actually have learned something about himself. Yikes! Real self-awareness leads to something called ethics, and suddenly we've got another private citizen who just wants to do some good in the world on our hands. That's when things like The Milken Institute appear. Where's the shame in that? Eliot, say it ain't so!

And 3. Governor Mark Sanford's ultra-recent, "I'm hiking in Appalachia, no I'm not, I'm in Argentina all by myself, wait, did I say 'by myself'? I meant with my Argentine goomar.", should qualify for some kind of 'you couldn't make this up' award. But he, too, is going all weepy and contrite. Dude, grow a strategy! Trying to out-weep Bill Clinton is like trying to out-punch a 20 year old Mike Tyson! Bill can choose which eye the tears come out of based on camera positions! Just stay down Governor, and let the ref count to ten.

So, let's be honest; none of these guys belong in the same sports metaphor with The Libido From Little Rock. Bill Clinton scaled Mount Narcissus and planted his flag. Nobody's gotten close since. These one or two-headline punks couldn't get to his elevation with oxygen tanks and a team of Sherpas.

So listen up, affair fumblers: There's only one Bill, okay? Disappoint your wives on your own time, because there's no league, no playoffs, no trophy. There's the Handler From Hope, and then there's everybody else. The man hasn't attempted 'Strange-icide' in years, and probably won't unless he gets appointed Chief Justice and can't resist the allure of fresh young clerks, long flowing robes, and...chambers. Nevertheless, we're still fascinated, infuriated, and attracted by President Poontang in ways that the rest of you haters can't even touch! Why? Because shame just ain't in the man's vocabulary!! You guys think you can rise again by going the contrite and confessional route... Hah! Game over!! You actually think anyone's going to remember your, "I regret the pain I've caused blah blah blah."s? Hell no! But the Ogler From Oxford's brilliantly legalistic, "I did NOT have sex with that woman" will, ahem, go down in history!

So guys, either learn actual discretion before going all O.P.P., or keep your trousers on 'til your "Hey, look at me! I'm important, AND insecure!", days are over. No one messes with the Randy Razorback! The Apple Blossom State Skirt Chaser has no rival! The Pine Tree State Triangulator ain't givin' up his title(s) anytime soon! It's the Arkansas Ass Man's world, we're just rentin' space! The Presidential Propositioner is in a class by himself! There's never gonna be another Trim Hound of the Triple Bypass! The Philandering Philanthropist is one of a kind!

Okay, I might be done. Anyone else? Punchy, old-school Pro Wrestler names for our 42nd Prez? Anyone? How about The Hard-on from Hope? Uh oh! Maybe I'm not done! Potent POTUS? Whoa, I've still got it! Come on, who else has one? Rhodes Scholar Ravisher! Saxophone Seducer! Travelgate Tailgrabber! Stop me! Amorous Arkansan! Whitewater Fondler! Oval Office Operator!

No bleep-able words please. Let's keep it dignified.