One WASP's take on The N Word

The N Word and Me:

I'm a 50 year-old White Anglo Saxon Protestant, but that's where the similarity ends, because by marriage I've been a member of a large black family for more than half my life. And I'm not talking about black people who have a place in Sag Harbor and season tickets to the Opera. I'm talking about a huge raucous family from Oklahoma and Texas, some of whom use the word nigger when addressing me.

I love, and am loved, by in-laws who, when exasperated or skeptical, or amused, have called me, to be precise, "niggah". It always pleases me, and no, I have never reciprocated, but like a growing number of people who have a deep personal stake in undermining racism, I don't simply hate the N word.

The first time my wife called me her nigger I felt a particular thrill. It was the kind of moment when the blood rushes to certain places, even as your mind recoils from its' lustful thoughts. It was like she'd said, "If you want me to kill somebody for you, I will." She said it real soft, with a hand on her hip. Half her mouth was smiling, the other half wasn't. That was twenty-five years ago. We'd known each other for a few months and were wildly smitten.

"You my niggah," she said. I remember the sensation like it was yesterday.

My wife is not what one would describe as 'ghetto.' She can 'go there' to be sure, but in her heart, her demeanor, and her upbringing, my wife is an elegant and refined black lady. She was raised by parents who abhorred the N-word, and did not allow it spoken in their home. Nevertheless, it remains an everyday greeting, admonition and punchline among their politically aware, college educated children and children's children. The word has legs. It wasn't stamped out by the civil rights movement, it was redefined and, somewhat, taken over, by the generation of black Americans that inherited it. But it remains uniquely inflammatory, because, as an increasingly desegregated culture, we still don't seem to be able to talk intelligently about it. The word has the power to make us stupid. The best we can do is talk about what it has meant, instead of what it means now. And we're not even very good at that.

Case in point: Whoopi Goldberg and Elizabeth Hasselback recently demonstrated the peril, and pointlessness, of debating whether this word should be spoken anymore by anyone, of any color. I submit that it's not a matter of 'should' because the meaning of pivotal, incendiary language always evolves more quickly than the arguments for or against. Words cannot be wiped out. They can only be replaced due to obsolescence or transformation. Neither is likely to happen to the word 'nigger' anytime soon. My brother in law, a man who has raised five successful, educated, and socially aware black children, is a particularly eloquent user of the N-word, and when he says, "That niggah's crazy!" it's almost always, well, appropriate.

I am not defending the self-demeaning, nihilistic, 'niggerization' that is so called Gangsta, or Thug Life culture. That would be like defending the symptoms of a disease. I don't like that shit, and I cringe when I hear my son follow along, word for word, with those dumb-ass, ignorant lyrics. To which he replies, "Dad, it's gangsta rap. Of course it's ignorant!" and he goes right on rapping. And damned if I'm not bobbing my head along with him by the time we park the car.

Like him, I've learned not to take it too seriously, but I remain deeply disappointed that so many hip hop "artists" appear comfortable being buffoons, who may as well have been created by racist overlords to make black people look bad. But the word nigger isn't the problem. It's lack of other words that's the problem. It's ignorance that's the problem. As my brother in law would say, "If them niggah's didn't have the words nigger and fuck, they'd be a bunch of goddamn mutes!"

Wouldn't that be a relief.

"But what about The Black Community?" cry the hand wringing white liberals, and impatient white conservatives, and uneasy white moderates. "Why do they keep saying that terrible word that we're not allowed to say!?"

The so-called 'Black Community' is neither completely comfortable, nor unanimously horrified, by the continued presence of the word nigger in the American vernacular, because the 'Black Community' is as varied, divided, and dynamic as any other community. We keep trying to define each other in these unhelpful, monolithic terms. It's a symptom of intellectual laziness. Hey, maybe we should make improving public education a higher priority. Just a thought.

In our household, when talking to our black children, we try to point out that awareness of context and nuance does not remove the singular status from the word nigger. It is still unique in it's power to wound, and incite. When used as a bludgeon by non-black people, or repeated ad nauseum by black people, it reverts to the vile obscenity it's been since slavery. No one, we admonish, should forget, or downplay, its hateful origins.

But the truth also is that in our household, nigger is just another dirty word. We are not a family that can neatly divide the people with permission to say it, from those who aren't allowed. As I occasionally point out to my children, It's kind of hard for me, twenty six years into being part of a black community, to differentiate nigger from fuck, suck, shit, bitch, ho, motherfucker, cunt, and all the other trash language that we hear on the street, and on radio, TV and the internet twenty four hours a goddamn day. The liberalizing of the airwaves is not, in my opinion (in case you missed my note of weary exasperation) what I'd call progress. For me, and a growing number of white men and women in mixed families, 'nigger', when used without self-awareness and context, is just one more piece of the ever growing cultural crassness that sloshes around like floodwater these days. To fixate on whether or not it's okay to say it, as the ladies on The View were doing the other day, is to miss this larger point. At such a crucial moment in our history, when a black man who literally embodies the idea that we are all ultimately one race, could become the next president, our ability to put things into context, observe subtleties, and notice our common humanity with as much awareness as we notice the things that divide us, has never been more important. We need to shake off the last eight spirit-crushing years of willful ignorance, brazen hypocrisy, and cynical politicization, and stop wasting our breath with facile pronouncements about what we're allowed to say. Ignorance and intolerance are the root of obscenity. Not the other way around. The word nigger isn't going away anytime soon. Let's figure out what that's about, instead of arguing about whether it's too awful to say aloud.

In order to do this, we need to understand ourselves better. As a white man in a black family, I can say with some authority, the word 'nigger' has a lot of different meanings, and context is crucial to understanding why it persists in our language. Talking heads from Elizabeth Hasselback to Jesse Jackson can bloviate all they want about how nobody should be allowed to say it, but they both know they are grossly oversimplifying, precisely in order to keep the argument on the Jerry Springer level. That, after all, is how they make their living. People who have achieved brand status on TV don't get paid to really listen, because what if, God forbid, they blurt out something like, "Wow, I never thought of it that way before." Rather, they get paid to present market-tested attitudes that audiences and sponsors can comfortably endorse or dismiss, without having to think too hard: Righteous Indignation, Holier-than-thou Dismay, or the ever reliable, Snarky Cynicism. But the cost of all this willful bullshit is very high. We lose any sense of context. Every issue becomes a shouting match. Self-righteousness and moral outrage overwhelm any chance for thoughtful discussion.

Yes, Reverend Jackson said the N-word the other day, but why? Was he being ironic? Was he kidding? Did we get a glimpse of an old lion's understandable bitterness that this upstart, Obama, has passed him on the way to a new paradigm? Now, that conversation -- had anyone on TV dared to have it -- might have put the dreaded N-word into fascinating context. But all we got was, "Civil rights leader says the N-word! How could he, of all people? Oh the hypocrisy!" Oh, put a sock in it! Of course Jesse Jackson is guilty of hypocrisy, but not just because he got careless in front of a hot microphone. Who among us hasn't muttered an uncouth aside before warmly greeting someone we don't like? Rather, it's because, as gifted and courageous as he has been, he no longer bothers to differentiate speaking truth to power from opportunistic grandstanding. Like I said, the man's got to make a living.

And once again the N-word proved it's usefulness as a hot topic for another exercise in insight avoidance, and keeps it's role as the only word in our language that is perceived as a villain by some, and strangely irreplaceable, by others. What a word.

Comments

[sassafra]

wonderful, insightful post. like i've always said, a word should be taken by it's context, and intent of usage.anything else is prejudicial in the extreme.
this obsession with labeling has gotten absurd.

[Romeover]

Words are made powerful by being banned, just as the sight of a bare ankle in Victorian times was considered prurient. In living memory "genteel" people referred to "coloreds"; to call a person "black" was deemed derogatory in the extreme. Fashions change, and not always for the better, but fear and bigotry continue, just changing names and clothes.

It's time we stopped giving power to words by trying to ban them. It's stupid, and counterproductive.

[HBeachbum]

It's pretty simple ... if one group can use a word, then all groups should be able to use that word. You can try to justify it any way you want, but it is as simple as that.

[SpencerCat]

Great post!

"Did we get a glimpse of an old lion's understandable bitterness that this upstart, Obama, has passed him on the way to a new paradigm? Now, that conversation -- had anyone on TV dared to have it -- might have put the dreaded N-word into fascinating context "

THANK YOU for mentioning this. I amazed that no one in the MSM brought up this point. Instead all we got was shock and horror at the use of the dreaded word.

[Apis]

More discussion about the N- word during an interview by Tavis Smiley of Cornel West.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ2rju2qCPU&NR=1

[washington31]

I am from a family of blacks(Carib Indian or Carribean), cubans,puerto ricans, and whites. I too have heard some in my family call white family members by that name (w/ affection in affection and everyone ese in the family). I hate the word but, it seems like I am the party crasher to debate it when everyone is having a good time. My daughter is half white and since she is so fair w/ shirley temble hair to her waste, and I tell my child to please not use the term because it's not nice, and she might offend AA at her school who think that she is not AA. Nice read.....

[procrustes]

Roderick!

I love your rationalism...may it catch on! but too many people have a vested interested (ego) in not understanding for the "conversation" about n****r to ever be rational, or even a conversation. (I dare not type the word lest I be censored.)

Words are what fill the ether of the moment, the eye connection, the body stance (as you so wonderfully communicated) and intellectual ability to "feel" the air--to KNOW what the heart means. Words are only part of a multidimensional spectrum of cummunication :). There are those who will hang on to mono-dimensional interpretation for some silly agenda--usually to advance their image--practiced by those least aware of their pitiful transparency. This, I believe, was what went on with Whoopie. She was so far beyond her co-host in multidimensional communication that she only sensed the utter frustration one feels when we try to explain to our puppy not to sh*t on the rug.

This is an important article (I've never said that before), but, sadly, few will get it. Obama, will, but he's wily enough to know trying to explain it would be like trying to explain what you felt when the love of your life called you her ni**a.

[BreeMass]

I for one really appreciate this article. As so many of the posters here simply demonstrate his main thesis, it is obviously a very timely and much-needed article. Actually having a conversation about it instead of mass hysteria would be a nice change. but, then again, this is america. Is it ever possible for us to be rational??

[jackjack]

I enjoyed this article alot. My sister and I refer to each other as 'niggaaaaaaah' but its an affectionate term, interchangable with 'dude' (we're from california) or 'man' or 'girrrrrrrrr-l!' (drag out the 'u', 'a' and 'r' in each case) I hear non-white young people who have a connection with black culture using the word (likewise wih a sense of affection). The arguing over whether it can be used need only pass one test as far as Im concerned: Familiarity--unless you are a member of my family or a verrrrrrrry close friend...NO, you cant call me that. The feeling you shared when your wife called you 'niggah' sums it up..its a word used among black people with each OTHER with extreme LOVE attached to it. Your wife was said alot with that one word. :-)

[Apis]

Very interesting and enlightning post Mr. Spencer from a WASP on the "inside." I agree. The word is not going anywhere no matter how some have transformed it. So, we may as well talk about it and get some understanding and value from the conversation. Caute!

[sand252]

Mr. Spencer, before I read other comments, I just wanted to say -- in my opinion -- you nailed it! What a great piece. How you've summed up everything I wanted to say about that word and the way I think and feel about it. Thank you.

[UnclaimedMysteries]

This might be tangential, but I've often been struck with how the suffix "-lover" changes that word from something that says more about the speaker into a highly focused charge upon the target. When I heard it growing up in TN, GA, and AL, it was meant to warn white people when they were getting out of line.

[fishsandwichesr2good]

Hmm, are we having a "conversation about race" now? This liberal obsession of categorizing, sorting, and labeling people has reached the point of absurdity. Even the poster feels required to categorize himself as a WASP before he attempts to lay out some kind of PC Handbook for when and who and how certain seemingly offensive words can be uttered.

[urbanliterati]

Well said.

[Strywever]

Did you even read his piece? His point is that there can be no handbook -- far from "attempting to lay out" a handbook for us.

I was fascinated by his viewpoint. Thanks, Mr. Spencer.

[SpencerCat]

I guess you didn't actually read the post. Way to miss the point.

[kdogg]

he was too busy blaming liberals to read the article.

[dora rice]

There are certain words in the english language, that come out of your mouth fast and hard. And all of them have a bad symbol attached to them The N word is one of them. And you can say and do what you want, and excuse it anyway you want, it is a nasty word. And anyone who uses it, is a nasty person . Doesn't matter whether black, white, yellow or green. The word f....ck is another one of those words. Doesn't matter who uses it, even if you use it in the bedroom in a pervert sense, it's what it is. One dumb nasty word. Anyone who uses it in the bedroom and thinks they will last, they are mistaken they are divorced sooner or later. Some things you don't go over the line. Simple.

[kdogg]

hey to each their own. I'm not going to automatically stereotype anyone based off them using or not using profanity. someone saying the word f*ck doesn't bother me but I can understand why it might bother someone else. sounds like you just need to grow up a little. besides a woman with a dirty mouth in bed can be really hot...

[schatsie]

Dora, I agree with you. But my feelings about the 'N' word are that it says something nasty about the person who uses it and who treats people like they are their 'N--' or their 'boy'....

[uheardme]

I notice whenever there is a topic about RACE or deals with BLACKS specifically, the WHITE PEOPLE flock to it like flies to turds. On this same board, you have the JEWS with their own HBO-type network and Spanish-language TV, but the WHITE PEOPLE ARE COMPELLED like crack addicts to comment (usually whine or spew) on about any topic regarding Black men and women in general, Michelle Obama, Tyra, Oprah, Condelezza, Sherrie, or Barack specifically.

Let's face it, you WHITE PEOPLE, whether their "conservative" or "progressive" (a joke), have issues with BLACKS. You typical, angry, bitter, hypocritical, white degenerates should get some help.

[steamboat]

Actually, I think its YOU who have issues with white people....­.......and make EXCUSES when you say 'nasty-names at other groups, but criticize if somebody calls you a name (a DOUBLE STANDARD)

As you can see I'm NOT one of these white-guilt liberals you can sneer at.

[alguien]

huh?

[VSamuels]

What he said!

It is a distinct pattern around here.