Madlyn Primoff and the Branding of a Bad Mommy

This weekend, a mother of two in Scarsdale, NY did what I often think about doing when my kids' sibling squabbles reach a crescendo: She pulled over and asked them to get out of the car. Unlike the events that unfold in my disciplinary daydreams, however, her parenting tactic veered off course when she actually drove away, leaving her 10- and 12-year-old girls on the side of the road.

From still-sketchy details being reported about the case, it appears that the older daughter made it back into the car but the younger girl ended up at a local police station, where her harried mother, Madlyn Primoff, arrived to retrieve her hours later. To Mom's surprise, she was slapped with a charge of child endangerment and put behind bars.

While Primoff's actions were obviously reckless, this story has sparked one of America's favorite - and most judgmental - conversations about "Bad Mommies." I don't support abandoning children on the side of the road, but I do know from personal experience and from those who 'fess up on my website, truuMOMconfessions.com, that the whole notion of "Bad Mommies" is a fragile social construction. We receive posts every day that repeatedly prove to me that the intense and unrealistic pressure on mothers to constantly juggle work and family obligations has led to not-so-shocking outbursts from otherwise sane women. While most of our site's users have committed what we like to call "Mommy Misdemeanors," I'm sure that if Primoff were to have vented about this considerably more serious incident on truuMOM, she'd have received more than a few "metoo" clicks of support from the community. That screeching sound of kids battling it out in the backseat has a unique, nails-on-the-chalkboard quality and could push even the calmest mom to the brink. I confess that I, too, have raised my voice (Ok, screamed. Loudly!), and pulled over to make idle threats. Of course, they were idle, but at the very least I understand where Primoff was coming from.

It's no surprise that Madlyn Primoff, a high-powered attorney from a high-income neighborhood is the latest to join the Bad Mother Club. Women like Primoff are expected to kick butt at work with a Fembot-like smile while simultaneously ruling the kitchen in an apron and high heels cooking organic dinners for the whole family. Women like her aren't allowed to have lapses in judgment, a fact swiftly documented by a local New York news outlet, Lohud.com, which went out to interview neighborhood parents who were very vocal about this manic mommy being a "lunatic and irresponsible."

Stories like Primoff's should not result in a free-for-all vilification of a mother-gone-bad. Thankfully, with sites like mine, books like Ayelet Waldman's "Bad Mother," and blogs that proudly bear monikers like "Her Bad Mother's basement," women are becoming more open about their mommy misdemeanors and there can be more to the conversation now.

A piece in the American Prospect explores the whole bad mommy phenomenon through a feminist lens, saying maybe we're not just bad - we're mad. We're "mad about how society treats us, about the ideal we're being forced to live up, about the fact that we still don't feel we can talk openly about or parenting experiences.

Some have argued that this new confessional culture encouraging women to tell it like it is only takes things from "bad" to worse. Not only are we bad, we're bad and proud of it. We're bragging about our shortcomings and taking as many mothers who will follow down with us.

But I disagree. Why does a woman speaking her pervasive inner dialogue out loud go straight from restraint to flaunting? Isn't there a middle ground called sharing? Or better yet, honesty? Discussing what's real, not what's ideal, is not the same as bragging about being "bad."

Primoff took things too far and certainly made a bad choice, but should she be condemned to wear a scarlet "M"? I don't know yet because we don't have all the facts. Moreover, I'm not interested in judging her. I'm more interested in hoping that the public scrutiny fixated upon her will further expose motherhood for the truly complex job that it is.

Comments

[freeUSofcorp]

I am on Marylyn's side. I wrote a post about it on my blog gypsychild.org. I just read someone's comment about how the school bus has kids walk to school if they live up to 3 miles from school. I think it might be 2 miles where I live but you get the point.

AZbunny wrote "My husband has nothing but contempt for his father who did this exact same thing to him, along with a lot of other physical and psychological abuse. Leaving your child by the side of the road IS psychological abuse and this mother should be investigated to see what other abuses her children have suffered. I doubt this is THE one and ONLY incident."
We need to look at the whole pic to decide what is right or wrong, this takes common sense, something many are lacking. Of course this action done with HATE, taken too far with other incidents to go along with it, can have some scarring. But that is where the common sense comes in. People are judging just the action alone of letting kids walk home as evil. I believe it is NOT!

[stoupagr]

How the times have changed! When I was maybe 10 or so, my parents put me out of the car on a rural California road. This was in 1948 or so, a long time ago. As luck would have it, a farmer was ploughing in the field nearby and saw me standing alongside the road. I was crying. He comforted me by saying that his wife had made some cookies that morning and he asked if I'd like to come back to the farmhouse to have some. One of the greatest regret of my now 71 year old life is that I didn't take him up on the offer! My parents returned 10-15 minutes later and I would have loved it if I hadn't been there. Would have scared the bejesus out of them! My grandchildren love this story and make me tell it over and over.

[BOHICA]

I'm sorry, but really? This was Scarsdale, not (as another poster pointed out) the South Bronx. Those girls were perfectly safe. This mother put them out of the car, fully intending to drive around the block and pick them back up, having shown them the consequence of their not obeying a perfectly reasonable request from their mother.. I say this as a parent. Kids today are raised to believe the entire world revolves around them and this is not a good thing.

It's not like she swatted them, which is a complete no-no, even in my book. I have never, EVER hit my kids. I've never had to, either. Violence (of any kind) only begets more violence and teaches children that violence is the way to solve conflict. There are far better ways.

The police overreacted and these mommy bloggers seriously need to get over their damn selves.

[ebonynee]

I am also proud of what she did. My mother would have done the same to me, and i can reassure you that my behavior diffently would have changed. As for growing up being swatted. Big fan of it. Taught me alot and I am very grateful for it. Became a much better person and a great mother.

[Drindiva]

Good for Mom!!! It is about time a parent acts like a parent instead of letting the kids rule them. What a shame she is punished for trying to discipline and teach them that words MEAN something. Keep up the good work.

[Automaton Mom]

Say what you want, but that seemed the appropriate response at the time. It was imperative to prove a point quickly and clearly to correct the behavior. From the time my child first strung words into sentences, we've used discussion as a primary means of discipline. She has rarely been sent to her room and has been grounded even more sparsely. Yet, she is a well-adjusted, intelligent honor student who attends church regularly and doesn't smoke, drink, or experiment with drugs. I attribute her success in some part to the age-appropriate discussions we've had throughout her life.

While Primoff acted impulsively, she is hardly the worst woman on the planet. I can agree that she erred tremendously when she chose to drive off. Perhaps she has been privileged enough to never experience or witness the tragedy that can be visited on a lone, prepubescent girl, but it's hard to believe that she was so frazzled by the fighting that she failed to consider the dangers of a city street. Hopefully, her children have learned that their mother is fallible and does have a breaking point. Hopefully, they realize that their behavior has an impact on others. Hopefully.­.. they learn that the justice system is fair. This woman, void of prior incidents, doesn't deserve jail time. All of them could use some counseling instead: family and individual, likely.

[OtayPanky]

Automaton Mom: While Primoff acted impulsively, she is hardly the worst woman on the planet.

===

I'm sorry. The ONLY reason you can even write that way is because her kid didn't end up naked in a ditch.

===

Automaton Mom: Perhaps she has been privileged enough to never experience or witness the tragedy that can be visited on a lone, prepubescent girl...

===

The woman is a LAWYER. Are you seriously trying to say she just didn't know about how INSANE and DANGEROUS it is to dump your 10 year old kid on the side of a road and LEAVE HER THERE?

Please!

===

Automaton Mom: Hopefully, her children have learned that their mother is fallible and does have a breaking point. Hopefully, they realize that their behavior has an impact on others.

===

No. That's NOT what these kids will learn from this incident. They'd learn that if they'd been grounded, lost privileges, or even been spanked. But from this, they can only learn that their Mom is not to be trusted to behave as an adult, and that there is no safe place for them in this world.

And why are you thinking first about what THEY would learn. What about what SHE has to learn, in order to deserve the privilege of raising her children?

===

Automaton Mom: This woman, void of prior incidents, doesn't deserve jail time.

===

Agreed. Probation, community service and counseling would be more appropriate.

[Automaton Mom]

I've never left my child anywhere in public, but I have employed what many of you would consider an extreme measure. When my daughter was three years old, she tested every boundary she could. In the midst of an argument over why she should clean up her toys, she yelled, "I hate you! I want a new mommy!" Oh, really? Do you now?

I told my child she was welcome to go out and find a new mother. She started pulling on her snow boots to head out, so I informed her that she would have to leave the way she came; her new mother could buy her a new pair of snow boots. I stripped her naked, marched her to the back door, and let her out onto the snow-covered back porch. I then wished her luck in finding a new mommy, closed the door, and waited.

About one minute later, she knocked on the door. When I opened it, she said she'd like to come back in. Once inside, she said, "I'm sorry. I still want you to be my mommy, but I don't like you very much right now." "That's okay," I said, "you don't have to like me all of the time." Once re-dressed, she started picking up her toys without a prompt. She has yet to tell me she hates me since and she is now 15 years old.

[Bethab]

"mad about how society treats us, about the ideal we're being forced to live up..."

Is this a joke? Mothers have made "the sanctity of motherhood" the most important thing in the world, with real consequences for others who don't constantly agree. Politicians kow-tow to you, everyone else is expected to move out of the way of you and your ridiculously large strollers on the sidewalk, boycotts are planned against cafe and store owners for even ASKING you to watch your children. If you don't want to have to live up to an ideal, stop screaming that being a parent is the most important and hardest job in the world. You can't make motherhood the center of the universe and then complain when people pay attention.

"...about the fact that we still don't feel we can talk openly about or parenting experience­s."

It's ALL you talk about! How hard it is, how little sleep you get...why do you think so many people are finally looking at the facts and deciding that having kids is not worth it.

If you want to have kids, take care of them. If you are unsuited to the stress...d­on't have them. But if you let kids out of the car on the side of the road and only allow the kid who catches up to your car get in as you are driving away...you don't get to complain that people call you a "bad mommy". You are one.

[rockyersocksoff]

Thank you for doing all that writing for me. Now get out of my head ;)

[freeUSofcorp]

Please.... she was in her neighborhood which I am sure the kids have walked a million times. She did not abandom them in some strange new place they have never seen.

[ldavis24]

When I was at the mall shopping with my brother who was 15 or 16 at the time, I was 18. I told him I wanted to leave and he had a huge fit in the middle of the mall and started yelling and called me a b.i.t.c.h and said he wasn't leaving.

I had the car keys and said if you want to get home you come now or I am leaving your butt here...Wel­l he started to walk away all huffy so I walked in the opposite direction got in the car and left...I got home 20 minutes later and my dad asked where little bro was, I told him "at the mall" and then explained.­..Well 2 hours later little bro called groveling to be picked up by someone, anyone because he was bored!

He learned a lesson that day though and we still laugh about it sometimes because he now knows that the person who has the keys rules. Also don't call your sister names in public if you want to be home anytime soon.

[OtayPanky]

I'm gonna call shenanigans on this one.

Let's get off the "women are victims" train right now, and talk about PARENTING.

When someone chooses to become a parent - whether by biology or adoption - he or she is taking on life's most sacred trust: the care and shepherding of another human being from infancy through childhood and into an independent adulthood. 10 and 12 year old children are just that - CHILDREN - and ALL children are self-centered, immature, and sometimes annoying as hell.

Dealing with their crap comes with the territory - and if you don't like it or can't abide it - have canaries instead.

Everybody screws up as a parent sometimes - but there's a world of difference between losing your temper and hollering at your kid - versus beating him with a chain or dumping him on the side of the road where he is nothing but prey to some sociopathic pedophile who drives by.

This was no misdemeanor. It was a felong, and should be prosecuted as such, whether the perp is a male or a female - a parent or a caretaker.­. Making it into a gender issue is just nonsense.

[DVSDVS]

I'm pretty much with you on this one (except the felony part). And yes, I'm a working mother of 2 young children who knows first-hand what it feels like to be driven crazy by bickering kids.

[rmadmom2]

As a responsible parent she gave her children a choice and a consequence and when they ignored her, she followed thru. I say good job! If more parents gave consequences and followed thru then there would be a lot less mess in this world.
If the kids were 5 & 3 I could see that going to far, but these girls are 12 & 10. Not only are they old enough to understand their actions, but their mom's as well.
So many kids are beaten and tortured each and every day and they are not taken from the abusive parent and the parents are not punnished, some never live to tell about it. Some of those parents recieve funds from the government to sit home and stay in the sad situation. This mother not only let her pre-teen girls know that their were consequences to their behavior, but she followed thru. When they are 14 & 16 and wanting to run around with boys or smoke, drink and have sex, they will know that mom means business when she lays down the law and maybe they will think twice about making bad choices.
It's too bad that we can't lovingly punish our children anymore, I am pretty sure the government is running out of money to house and pay for all the little criminals we are being forced to raise...
HEY...mayb­e she should have waterboarded the girls, that's seems more forgivable in the governments eyes!

[OtayPanky]

rmadmom2: As a responsible parent she gave her children a choice and a consequence and when they ignored her, she followed thru. I say good job! If more parents gave consequences and followed thru then there would be a lot less mess in this world.

===

What would you say if her kid got picked up by a pedophile rather than a cop?

If you think those are the actions of a responsible parent, you are profoundly ignorant - and that's the kindest thing I can say.

[mgeb2000]

I totally agree with you. Her actions were of an IRRESPONSIBLE parent. A responsible parent is one that gives consequences which DO NOT endanger their child physically and emotionally. These girls were placed in risk of physical danger and at risk of emotional harm. Yes they needed consequences, but the choice she gave was seriously flawed on multiple levels. She is an adult, an educated woman and to boot a lawyer who should have known better. There were so many other responsible options and she picked none of them.

As a working mother of two grown children, I have in more than one occasion been in her situation, and NEVER once has the though crossed my mind of leaving them anywhere! I have stopped the car and not moved it until they stopped arguing. I have turned around driven them back home and grounded them each to their rooms. The act of just stopping and not moving, or just turning the car around in the direction of home always got me immediate silence from the back seat. It was also something that happened very rarely, because they knew I meant business and there were consequences.

It is upsetting that the response is that this poor working mother is a victim and will be judged harsher because she's educated and affluent. Give me a break! I hope the court orders parenting classes for this woman!

[rwexler648]

Once again HuffPost misses the overarching issue in child welfare: Race and class.
What is striking here is that the children spent not one minute in foster care. That’s good. Foster care would only have compounded their trauma.
But every year thousands of impoverished children are torn from loving parents who’ve done far less to their children than the emotional trauma Primoff inflicted on her daughters. Just a few miles away from where Primoff kicked her kids out of the car, in the Bronx, for example, the child of a subway station token booth clerk was forced to endure months of foster care solely because her mother had to leave him home alone for a short time after school. It was the only way the mother - by all accounts, an exemplary, loving parent - could keep her job.
The solution is not to start applying ‘the poor person’s standard’ to the rich and throw their children into foster care for little reason as well. Rather, child welfare agencies need to start applying the ‘Scarsdale standard’ to poor families – by providing basic help so children aren’t traumatized by being torn from everyone they know and love, just because they’re poor.
But that won’t happen if my fellow liberals keep forgeting everything they claim to believe about civil liberties every time someone whispers the words “child abuse” in their ears.
Details are on the Blog at our website www.nccpr.org
Richard Wexler
National Coalition for Child Protection Reform
www.nccpr.org

[OtayPanky]

You make a good point - but your issue, as important as it is, is secondary to the even more basic issue of defining the difference between appropriate behavior modification versus child abuse.

We're having the same problem in this current discussion about the morality or immorality of "enhanced interrogation techniques". Too many people seem to lack any sort of a working moral compass. We have to recover that FIRST.

[laurahfc]

Having a two-parent household certainly helps keep the kids out of foster care. Mom's in jail? Dad's in charge! Is this a race/class issue?

[rlugbill]

I agree with rwexler. Children of lower class parents get taken away from their parents all the time and placed in foster care for much lesser "crimes" than in this case. I am a lawyer and I see it all the time.

For upper class parents, it's a "lapse in judgment". For lower class parents, they lose their kids.

Same double standard we have for many other things. We judge people more harshly if they are different from us. If they look and act like us, we excuse their actions more easily. And upper class people are the ones doing the judging- the ones in positions of power.

[jasmine305]

What this mother did was an old episode of Desperate housewives. Lynette cannot take her boys fighting in the car and someone tells her the story of how her parents had dropped them off the side of the road to scare her. So lynette ends up leaving the boys by the side of the road and goes around the block and when she comes back to the spot she dropped them off they are gone. Maybe that's where the mother got the idea.

[Rosanneofpgh]

How about bad daughter moments? My college-aged daughter and I were looking at floor tiles. She wanted to leave but I wasnt ready. Since I had allowed her to drive us to the store, she had the car keys. She just took off with my car and left me at the store. I was so humiliated! She came back about five minutes later. I was so hurt that she could do something like that to me. Needless to say, she never got her hands on my car keys again!

[Shavano]

First I must say that I am not Shavano, I am wife of Shavano. That said, this seems to be a place where we tell our stories so here's mine. When I was eight and my brother 61/2, my father had enough of our fighting. He put my brother out of the car and drove off. He didn't drive far and the screaming of myself and my sister made him stop and "prove his point" about how he was tired of our fighting.
I am still terrified to this day to think that my father was actually willing to leave one of us crying on the side of the road, alone, forever.
Psychological abuse can have just as much a detrimental,long term effect as physical abuse and it was not necessarily a bad thing that CPS will be looking into this.

[AZBunny]

My husband has nothing but contempt for his father who did this exact same thing to him, along with a lot of other physical and psychological abuse. Leaving your child by the side of the road IS psychological abuse and this mother should be investigated to see what other abuses her children have suffered. I doubt this is THE one and ONLY incident.

[belikejeanvaljean]

When my son was 16, he informed me at 8 at night that he had a project due the next day at school that required some supplies. His school performance was pretty rocky already so I agreed to take him to Walmart (the only store still open with the items he needed).

He was in a bad mood from having to do the project, even though I offered to help him. On the way back he was being quite nasty to me. I finally had had enough, stopped the car about a half mile from our house (in a quiet suburban neighborhood) and ordered him out of the car. He was shocked but finally got out, slammed the door, and I drove home. I was very nervous but he arrived home ten minutes later. He quietly did the project and I helped a little and there was no more mouthing off.

The next day he told all of his friends that I had made him walk home from Walmart - 8 miles away! And instead of getting sympathy, they all laughed at him and asked him what awful thing he had done that had made me so mad. He actually thought this was funny and told me about it that evening, and we both had a good laugh.

Today he is grown, successful and we have a great relationship.