Working Mom Smackdown: Mom Says Hiring a Babysitter for Kids Is Like Hiring Lover for Husband!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the office, Dr. Phil airs a segment that will no doubt have working moms up in arms. While the purported intention of this show was to "encourage a conversation" about this often divisive topic, the producers veer into Jerry Springer territory by inviting outspoken mom Jessica Gottlieb into the ring. Known for bringing brands to their knees with her Twitter vitriol, Jessica comes out swinging against working moms and sings the praises (and benefits) of moms like her who choose to stay home.

Full disclosure here: Jessica Gottlieb is a close friend but as I said to her face after hearing some of her comments (the full episode will air at 4pm pst today), I would hate her if I didn't love her.

Jessica goes out of her way to make the point that the aspersions and judgment she casts are directed at moms who choose to work -- not the millions of moms who have to work. These moms are off limits. But unfortunately, this nuance is buried by her strong statements such as this one in response to the use of childcare:

"I wouldn't outsource loving my husband, why would I outsource loving my kids?"

Basically, Jessica equates the hiring of a babysitter, or use of a daycare facility for the kids with the hiring of a surrogate (a hooker perhaps?) for the husband. While this is an interesting concept (and I'm sure will make some moms say, "What's so wrong with outsourcing the loving of your husband sometime!") it's just dead wrong. Working, or staying home full time, is not the litmus test by which we evaluate the quality of love a mother has for her kids. There are plenty of full time moms who aren't that loving and probably just as many working moms who love with a vengeance. But Jessica makes it sound like those of us who head into the office, have forsaken our most important job and relinquished the loving of our children to others. There's definitely no room for the quality vs. quantity argument here (nor the "it takes a village" theory or any of the benefits mentioned by experts in this "back to work doubts" video!) In Jessica's world it's pretty black and white -- if you invite someone else in to do the loving (even for a scant few hours a day!) then, in the words of Heidi Klum..."you're out!"

Dr. Phil states in his blog today, "It bothers me to see any division among moms, working or otherwise, because both groups share such a devotion to their children. You would think by now that we would have found some common ground on this issue." Well, Dr. Phil, we have found some common ground and many are trying to ease the mommy divide by taking a "to each mother her own" attitude about the to work or not work debate. But unfortunately, by showcasing and provoking Jessica, the segment you hoped might unite moms, only pushes us further apart.

For more answers to any parenting (or working mom!) questions, visit Parents Ask.

 

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Comments

[Ziona Etzion]

09:17 AM on 10/16/2009

Jessica

I was stay at home and support husband's career and first defence at home and general do what needed to be done MoM.

This gave to time to be with my kids there for them,play with them, sclep them, know their friends and also gave me time to develop hobbies and interests of my own.

My daughter told me that I was the only "stay at home mom" and it would be good that I went out to work. After six weeks she told me it was nicer when I was at home. The service was better!

I think it is hard for kids to come home to an empty home as it is hard for women who stay at home if there are not a lot of friends around or they are not occupied with general household management/gym/development of interests/social interests/couple social interests as well.

The important thing for a stay at home mom is to develop income that she can work from home and be with her kids as well as stay in touch with the world and develop herself personally that her husband comes home to a woman that lives a life and is as interesting as those that he meets when he goes to work and meets other colleagues.

@inmyhumbleopinion Getting an education and earning your own money is important, even if your marriage is blissfully happy. This is true.

[AZIndependant]

02:25 PM on 10/15/2009

This much I can say...both of my parents worked growing up and that was generally NOT a good thing. I was a very naughty girl in high school because my mom was never home. She had no clue about what was happening after school, during lunch, or even during school. Now, she had to work, so I give her a pass. However, I quit my job (I have the luxury of doing so) so that I could be home with my kids. I think it makes all of the difference in the world to have a parent home.

[MissInformation]

01:10 PM on 10/15/2009

It's always amazed me that personalities like Dr. Phil, and the "experts" he promotes are not required to present the kind of disclaimers that Web sites and other media outlets are obligated to provide. There's plenty of room on Dr. Phil's big ol' forehead for this message: "The Dr. Phil program is purely intended for entertainment." People like Jessica Gottlieb thrive by provoking women to judge and mistrust each other. Romi, as her friend, you should encourage her to find better uses for her talent. At the very least, remind her that schadenfreude works both ways.

[Jessica Gottlieb]

03:59 PM on 10/15/2009

To be fair the show was highly edited and some of the sections missing included me saying things like:

We need to support women who have to work
Communities should pop up around families in need
Fathers can stay home with kids
Schedules can be adapted

But that wouldn't have made for very good tv, would it?

Women, like men, should prepare for their children, and maybe not have them until they're ready. Is that really very controversial?

[kjacobsmeyer]

05:11 PM on 10/15/2009

Regardless of whether one stays at home or works, in the real world, this level of polarization is very short sighted. Leslie Bennetts wrote "The Feminine Mistake." The book basically states that a woman should remain (in some way) in the work force throughout her life because (1) Women have longer life spans than they used to, and (2) Their spouses may divorce them, become unemployed, become disabled, or die. These possible curve balls prove that opting-out from the workforce endangers your children’s welfare in the long-term, not just yours. If your husband isn’t involved or can’t work anymore due to some unforeseen accident, and your job skills aren’t up to date, how are you going to feed your kids?

I think people should stop looking over fences to create conflict with their neighbors, concentrate less on preaching and instead just do what works for them. People will follow you if you talk less and just live the life of a good person Is going on TV really about helping people or is it about acquiring fame for what you think you do well? Because one overreaching statement can cancel out any good intentions. Surely you know that?

[singermuse]

12:16 PM on 10/15/2009

Good article! It's true that just because a woman stays home, it will not necessarily make her a better mom or wife. In the past too many miserable stay at home moms, because they had no choice, took it out on their kids (no more wire hangers!!), their partners, and it didn't make anyone any happier. I'd much rather that women have a choice and especially that they have a job skill they can fully support themselves with in this day of a 60% divorce rate. As for outsourcing sexual responsibilities, in a more enlightened society that would not be such a big deal either for men or women (women need good lovin' too!). As it is now, many men seek out extramarital affairs anyway, usually at the office while their good little "stay at home" is none the wiser or too tired and depressed to care, or in just plain denial about it.

[inmyhumbleopinion]

12:40 PM on 10/15/2009

Indeed. How many women do you know who are stay-at-home moms and trapped in unhappy marriages because they are financially dependent on their husbands? I make it clear to my 12-year-old daughter that the notion of finding Prince Charming so that she doesn't have to work is antiquated and dangerous. Getting an education and earning your own money is important, even if your marriage is blissfully happy.