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How Newsy Is The Huffington Post? (UPDATE: Arianna Responds)

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UPDATE: After reading Ron Burgundy's blog submission, our Editor-in-Chief responded, on video, to his assessment of HuffPost. Watch her response above.

Read Ron's blog below:

News. What is "news," really?

I believe news is a beacon of justice, illuminating the dark corners of the Earth. I believe that news is a powerful stallion of justice, galloping across this great, fragrant, fertile land. News is a dish best served warm, like revenge. Or pie.

Anyway. Baxter tells me that the Huffington Post is a very "popular" "site" on the "web" where information is kept in a glowing box of magic, and the news is always something "YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE."

They're wrong. Because I believe. I believe all kinds of things. I've been believing all over the place this year.

And I know news. So I took a look at some of the top "news" stories I saw on Huffington Post to see just how newsy you are.

1. Here Are The Sleaziest Things Congress Has Done During The Shutdown, including turning off the Panda Cam.

This is just SILLY. The government can't shut down; it's not an upscale brothel masquerading as an ice cream parlor. The government doesn't trick you into buying a $40 sundae.


2. Anthony Weiner Flips The Bird, Ends His Mayoral Campaign Exactly Like You'd Expect Him To

Who is this Weiner fellow? I haven't heard a word about him all year. This story clearly got very little coverage. And birds are disgusting. I hate birds. Those winged rats of the sky carry vermin and disease. And when it comes to flipping, I prefer a nice juicy steak.

3. Rob Ford, Toronto Mayor, Admits Having Smoked Crack Cocaine (VIDEO)

Give the guy a break. Who hasn't smoked a little crack before a public appearance? The people want alert; they want bright eyed and bushy-tailed. Give the people what they want.

4. North West: Kim And Kanye Are Rumored To Pick Out A Name As Annoying As Their Relationship

I don't see anything wrong with this. Veronica and I were very close to naming OUR son Latitude Glenfiddich Burgundy.

5. Twerking World Record: Big Freedia Ass-embles 358 Booties In New York City, Wins Big (VIDEO)

I won't click on a headline that isn't in English. I consider myself an astute reader, but I have absolutely no idea what any of those words mean. What is a Freedia? How is giving away free booties news? Do 179 people all really need booties? Are they taking more that two each?

6. Most Popular Girls', Boys' And Unisex Baby Names Of 2013, According To Nameberry, and the related Royal Baby Name Provokes Thoughts About The Ritual of Naming

What a travesty... The name "Ron" was nowhere to be seen. Has the internet run out of gas? Is it sick? I don't know how it works, but by the ghost of Dickens, fix it!

7. 'Cronut' Fever Taking New York (And The Country) By Storm

Fever be damned, that looks delicious.

8. 'What Does The Fox Say' Answers Age-Old Riddle, With Dance! (VIDEO)

If he hadn't stopped taking my calls ages ago, I'd give my left cronut to hear Casey Kasem utter the words "What Does The Fox Say."

9. Michelle Obama, Bo Obama Take Adorable Instagram Selfie (PHOTO)

Baxter wouldn't shut up about this photo. He's been begging me to take him to the White House for years. He's a big political nut. He had to explain the plot of "House of Cards" to me several times... I still don't understand it.

10. NSA Prism Data Mining Is All Up In Ur Microsoft, Yahoo, Google, Facebook, PalTalk, AOL, Skype, YouTube, Apple [UPDATE]

Yahoo... Google... Skype... Twerk... is this what the future has become? Deep-fried gibberish? What does it all MEAN?

Unbelievable? Maybe. News? Absolutely not.

The obvious conclusion is that the Huffington Post newsroom needs a man at its helm. A real cowboy to steer this justice-stallion back into the righteous arms of our television-loving forefathers.