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Cheney's Right: Limbaugh's A Better Republican Than Powell

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When Dick Cheney was asked on "Face the Nation" whether he supported Colin Powell or Rush Limbaugh, after Powell opined that Rush is bad for the GOP and the country, Cheney made it clear whose side he was on: "If I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I'd go with Rush Limbaugh," Cheney said. "My take on it was Colin had already left the party. I didn't know he was still a Republican."

Cheney did not explain his answer, perhaps because the reasons were self-evident. Having worked among right wing nut radio hosts, I feel I should explain Cheney's remarks to the non-cognoscenti, by evaluating Limbaugh and Powell on all the criteria most important to right wingers.

Values

Limbaugh is pro-life; Powell is not. The first rule of Republican leadership is that all life, particularly your life, is precious. Limbaugh realized this at an early age. He used the medical excuse of a pimple in the base of his butt crack to get classified 4-F, unfit for duty in Vietnam. Dopey Powell not only went to 'Nam, but did two tours of duty there, as a freakin' volunteer, in battle. He got wounded -- and volunteered to go back again! He could have been killed! Dead Republicans don't exercise much influence on the party (except Reagan). No contest -- Limbaugh wins in the all important "values" category.

Economics

Limbaugh is an entrepreneur. He saw an emerging market for hate, and he supplied the product. Did pretty well for himself, too. Powell has been the beneficiary of a bunch of those phony government jobs, ya know, soldier, general, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of State. He's been sucking on Uncle Sam's teat for too long. Limbaugh best embodies the GOP's economic views.

Powell wasted his time going to college and graduate school when he could have been out making real money. He probably even got his Master's Degree as a result of that welfare program, the G.I. Bill. Limbaugh, au contraire, dropped out of college after only two semesters and never went back to those liberal-infested halls. Now he can buy and sell all those smarty-pants professors! Real Republicans know that you don't need all that fancy education to figure out that dinosaurs really did roam the earth with people, like in "The Flintstones."

Marriage

Limbaugh believes in heterosexual marriage. He really, really believes in it. He has been married and divorced three times and is currently hunting in the Dominican Republic, with a bottle of Viagra, for lucky wife number four. Powell has only been married once (snicker) and is still with the same woman. As GOP party stalwarts Newt Gingrich (three marriages, two divorces) and Rudy Giuliani (three marriages, one divorce, one annulment when he discovered he married his cousin) can attest, the proper regard for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage requires diverse experience in the area.

Limbaugh three, Powell zero. Give up Colin, become a Democrat. I hear they take anyone.