The Avengers, HBO Access & Sharts

03/16/2015 09:48 am ET | Updated May 16, 2015
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Hurry up and close the portal! What about Tony Stark? If we close the portal before Stark enters the atmosphere, he'll be lost forever. Poor Pepper. Screw Pepper, what about me?! Unlike Tony Stark in The Avengers, I did not make it through the portal. What portal you ask? HBO Access announced its Writing Fellowship geared towards finding diverse writers to be paired with an executive producer for eight months. After which, the chosen writers would have a fully developed television pilot or screenplay to pitch to HBO. That news spread through the writing community like a wild fire. Too good to be true and like Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket contest, it turned out to be a doozy. First, applications were due a few weeks after the announcement hit the internet. Second, submissions would only be accepted March 4th. The portal opened at 9 a.m. PST. Third, the portal would close after 1,000 submissions were received. Talk about break the internet. This was going to be a Black Friday virtual trampling!

On the appointed day, I should have known it was a bad omen when I woke up with the sharts. I stayed home to avoid accidents from fear of passing gas. While waiting for the portal to open (12 p.m. EST), I continued editing my novel into script format. It was a daunting task that gave me a new found respect for screenplay writers. Shortly after the portal opened, I tried logging into the portal. After an hour, I was able to upload my revised script. For the next hour and 45 minutes, I try to log in. Even when I get in, I get kicked out. Finally, I get through and right when I get ready to hit "submit" I get a message that 1,000 submissions have been received and the portal has closed.

Dagnabbit! Unfortunately, that is not what I said. I violated Lent and let those a flurry of obscenities that could only be rivaled by the father in A Christmas Story. I spent all day alternating from my desk to the toilet and the portal is closed! I felt like Loki when he realized instead of ruling humans, a beat down awaited him. HBO Access broke the internet, my toilet, and my dreams of replacing Lena Dunham as the queen of HBO. Gag a maggot on a gut wagon!

All I have to show for my hard work is an unfinished script and a butt rash screaming for A&D ointment. Curses on HBO Access. Sharts to all involved in this evil scheme to build me up and flush my dreams down the toilet. Like Evillene in The Wiz, I'm melting as I swirl down the drain of rejection.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.