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Breakfast With the Obamas: The Oil Spill

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Breakfast time, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC.

[Full transcript]

Michelle: Hey B, do you want bacon or eggs for breakfast?

Barack: I reject the false choice between bacon and eggs. I dream of a world where every American, no matter what their religion or ethnicity can have both bacon and eggs. Eggs from chickens that have breathed free under our prosperous skies. Bacon from pigs that have roamed our great American prairies.

Michelle: OK Barack, isn't it little early for this? Anyhow lots of religions say you shouldn't have bacon - the question is do you want bacon?

Barack: I Barack Hussein Obama know well that in humanity's great panoply of religions, there are many who by tradition do not eat the flesh of swine. I respect that choice. All free Americans, gay or straight, respect that choice.

Michelle: OK B, so do you want bacon and eggs?

Barack: As our nation endures the deepest recession since the 1930s, we must lead by example. To have both bacon and eggs while Americans in poor neighbourhoods go hungry would decry our solidarity with those folks. Really Michelle, do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?

Michelle: Alright. Do you want just eggs?

Barack: There is a perception that in red states they eat bacon, in blue states they eat eggs, but the America I know is not divided along lines of bacon and eggs, but is truly, and remains, the United States of America.

Michelle: OK Barack, if you don't want just eggs, or just bacon, and you don't want bacon and eggs, you must want neither. Is that right? So can I just give this bacon to Bo?

Barack: Michelle, A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'

Michelle: Why does every meal have to be like this? Goddamit Barack, if you don't want eggs only, and you don't want bacon only, and you don't want eggs and bacon, and you don't want neither bacon nor eggs, there are logically no other options -- so what the hell do you want?

Barack: I reject as false the choices you pose. There must be a fifth way, a new American way, where we are not forced to choose between bacon and eggs, or both, or neither, but where any American can theorize and speculate. Our European allies are respected for indecision and introspective vacillation. Why must I be pressed for clarity with this binary black or white American mentality? Quite frankly, Michelle, your thinking smacks of Bush. If I had married a French woman she would respect and admire my nuanced approach. I don't believe in making rash choices. Issues are never simple. One thing I'm proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues.

Michelle: I'll make you wish you married a Frenchie you windbag, Now tell me what in hell you want for breakfast! [Infuriated, accidentally knocks over the cooking oil] Son of a -- dammit B -- now you've made me spill the cooking oil.

Barack: Make no mistake: we will fight this spill with everything we've got for as long it takes. We will make the Kraft Corporation pay for the damage their company has caused. We need a battle plan to recover from this tragedy, including the establishment of a national commission to examine the causes of the spill and recommend new additional safety mechanisms.

Michelle: It's ok -- we've got a new bottle, but it's on the top shelf. I can't quite reach it -- can you stand up and get it for me?
Barack: [reclining, staring in to the distance in a visionary pose] For decades we have known the days of cheap and easily accessible oil were numbered, and for decades, we have failed to act with the sense of urgency that this challenge requires.

Michelle: Please Barack, will you just reach up and get the oil for me?

Barack: This oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. What sees us through -- what has always seen us through -- is our strength, our resilience, and our unyielding faith that something better awaits us if we summon the courage to reach for it. This morning, we pray for that courage.

Michelle: Barack-- stop yabbering, reach up, and get the oil from the top shelf.

Barack: Michelle, do not fear. Have no doubt: the one approach I will not accept is inaction. We have always refused to settle for the paltry limits of conventional wisdom. That has what has made America, all Americans,--

Michelle: [shouting] BARACK! - if you don't stand up this instant and get me that bottle of cooking oil I'm going to hit you with this pan! [Holds pan aloft]

Barack: Let me convene a study group, a coalition of informed citizens.
We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set. Violence is not the way to -- Michelle stop it, that hurts --

Barack: [timidly, from under the table] come on, Michelle, why can't I just eat my waffle?