During the recent White House Bullying Summit, the president challenged the people who work in bullying prevention to look at their current work and see where we could improve. His request came at a time when I'd actually been thinking about the same thing. Why? Because about a month ago I was asked to review a commonly used bullying prevention guideline often given to parents and children. As I read it, I realized that I had never taken the time to read these guidelines and I should have because they weren't as good as they need to be.
Among the advice I thought was most counterproductive?
"Ignore the bully." By the time a child reaches out to an adult, the vast majority of kids have been dealing with the bullying and trying to ignore it for a long time. The only thing that happens when you tell a kid to ignore the bully, is that they no longer think you care or are capable of helping them.
"Explain to your child that bullies are weak and insecure." Who cares? Even if that were true, the bullies themselves don't believe it, and that fact doesn't help the target respond effectively to the problem.
"To avoid being bullied develop friendships and remember there is safety in numbers." This is an example of a tip that is simply not reflective of the reality of people's lives. Sometimes bullies are your friends and very rarely do bullying prevention tips acknowledge this fact or what to do about it. Equally unhelpful and inadequate is "safety in numbers" because you can't depend on that being the case. In truth there's sometimes danger in numbers because people are often encouraged by the group to fight or at the least not back down from a situation.
This information is regularly given out at schools all over the country and specifically when people are in great distress. In such a situation, advice has to be good. As educators on this issue, we owe it to the families we work with to give them our best. We have to look at our standard protocols and advice and ask ourselves a very simple question: Do we give people effective information?
So I've done a little revising to these tips. I don't have all the answers and it's likely I overlooked something so I encourage you to make suggestions to what you see here. I will start off here with guidelines for the target. I'll follow later with guidelines for the bystander and the bully. I look forward to seeing what you think.
If you are being bullied:
Many kids who are bullied feel helpless. Sometimes, they think the only thing they can do is hope the problem will go away. But there are things you can do to get some control in the situation and it starts with developing a strategy and a support system.
The moment it's happening:
• Breathe. Observe who is around. Breathe again.
• Ask yourself what the bully is doing that you want stopped and what you want them to do instead.
• If you can, find the courage to say those feelings. For example, "Stop pushing me into the lockers, I want to walk down the hallway in peace. I know you can do whatever you want, but I want you to stop." Or, "Stop sending texts to everyone in the grade that no one should talk to me."
• If you can walk away, think about walking towards safety not away from the bully. For example, walk towards a classroom where you can see a teacher you trust. If you are in a park, walk towards a group of adults or a coach.
• Don't retaliate or threaten to retaliate. This often leads to an escalation of the bullying.
If you are being bullied online:
Any time someone is bullied through social networking, a cell phone, or any type of social media, it can be really hard not to want to defend yourself by retaliating or finding out why this person is attacking you. Sleeping with your phone in your bedroom is never a good idea, but it's even worse when you're bullied online because it's too tempting to stay up all night trying to "fix" the situation -- which isn't possible anyway. Same thing goes with a computer. Sleep is hard anyway when you know people are saying mean things about you, but it's impossible if you're checking Facebook, Twitter, and your texts all night.
After the bullying has occurred:
Remember that reporting a bully is not snitching. People snitch when all they want to do is get the person in trouble. People report when they have a problem that is too big for them to solve on their own. People who report bullying are doing the right thing. And the reality is adults can't address the problem if they don't know about it.
Report the bullying to an ally: An ally is an adult that you trust to help you think through your problems. An ally can be a parent or guardian, a teacher or counselor. Avoid describing the bullying in generalities like, "He is being mean." Be specific about the bullying behavior, where you are when it occurs, and what you need to feel safe.
If you are scared to go to school, show up for practice, or any other activity, tell your ally or the adult who is in charge. It is not your fault that you are being bullied, and you have the right to be in school and participate in after-school activities, just like everyone else.
What do you do if the bully is a friend?
It's always important to have strong friendships that you can depend on, but sometimes the bully can be a friend. If that happens ask yourself the following questions about your friendship.
• What are the three most important things I need in a friendship? (Most people say, trust, respect, and honesty)
• Are my friends treating me according to what I need in a friendship?
• If my friends aren't treating me according to my standards, why am I in this friendship? Is it worth it?
• If my friends were nice to me tomorrow, do I believe the bullying will stop or am I hoping for the best and putting all the power in their hands?
If you're the adult who is helping the child or teen think through these questions, it's OK for them to think about their answers. They need to come up with the answers for themselves so they can internalize the realization that the cost is too high to maintain these relationships.
I look forward to seeing what you think! Tomorrow, I'll post tips for bystanders.
Follow Rosalind Wiseman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/rosalindwiseman
School Bullying: Admin Can Be Liable For Harassment Online, Off Campus
Bullying Information Center | Education.com
Bullying: Help your child handle a school bully - MayoClinic.com
Enroll them in a practical martial art. I recommend boxing, kickboxing, or Muay Thai.
Sometimes as parents we abdicate too much of our responsibility to others. Often because we don’t think it's important or we just feel like there’s too much to learn and stay on top of. Neither is the case. We talk in depth about having the conversations with your kids, how important it is and exactly how to do it in our free social networking for parents in plain english video series. It’s important to remember that even with a monitoring service and good kids, parents need to understand the basics of social media.
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We are already teaching my 1-year old cousin how to box :D
I got cracked in the jaw by an older kid at summer camp at the age of 10. My mother pulled me out of that program and immediately enrolled me in a Tae Kwon Do program. Also my older step-brother bullied me (LOL) when I visited my dad on the weekends so that helped. By the time I was 13 and Junior High came nobody messed with me cause they knew I took TKD with Joey (another kid in the school who's dad ran the Dojo) :)
Rumors spread fast about the kids who know how to fight, so if you are one of them they are not gonna mess with you. Unless of course a gun or other weapon is involved, then it's no longer bullying, it's a situation involving the cops. But at least if the situation has escalated to that length you won't have to worry any more because that kid will be in Juvie and you'll no longer be seeing him.
Either way when I started taking the bus alone at 12 my dad gave me a pocket switchblade and said only use it under the following conditions: 1) An adult attacks you, you scream "Get away from me" so that by-standers know you are not in the wrong if you stab him. 2) A bigger kid attacks you (who's strong enough to strangle you with his bare hands) or one with a weapon.
And the person who said adults bully also is right on. I am sure all of us adults have seen bullying going on in the workplace. Perhaps it is time to name it, to use a phrase such as "I can see that you are a bully."
But the current private schools that we have represent nowhere near the variety we would have if there was really some competition for the majority of students. At least with a more private model parents would have the ability to move their child to another school. My wife and I were lucky to be able to move our daughter to another public school because she was being bullied. School districts have not always allowed this to occur and many that have allowed such transfers have stopped.
Many people don't have this option at all. They cannot move and cannot send their children anywhere else. Our public schools don't really want the competition.
We must do some serious deregulation in education. The regulation can return (this is a normal cycle) in the next few decades, but there needs to be some time for the marketplace to introduce some new possibilities and solutions.
That way, if my child is getting bullied at one school, I can find out which schools in my community are actually doing the bullying prevention (and succeeding with it) and send my children there.
Problem solved.
No. People, including adults can bully people into "friendships". Bullies are never friends. It is up to the bully's parents to correct the situation, address the reason for their child's, the bully, insecurity, whatever the problem is or excuse provided and teach and help them find ways to interact with other human beings more appropriately.
Allowing bully's to bully themselves into a relationship with you could translate into fleeing from a domestic violence relationship or violent marriage partner later.
In a bullying scenario, the disempowerment takes place when a bully publicly attempts to strip another of his or her position within a group. We are creatures of community and as such, we establish a position within a group based on the choices we make about what's best for us and our community. Our choices can range from our accomplishments and dreams to our ability to further collective goals. A bully attempts to undermine the victim's position by mocking the victim's ability to make the right choice and contribute value to the group (e.g. attacking one's style, ideas, background, gender, sexual orientation, etc).
Yes, the victim may be in the wrong group to begin with but the solution isn't to agree with the bully and remove oneself from that group (although that may be the end result). Rather, the key is to teach our children to be thoughtful about their choices and have courage to defend them; to empower them to be who they want to be and support them as they learn how to make the decisions that are right for them.
- K (www.totthoughts.com)
My concern is that without empowering parents with choices as to where their children attend school, parents may have little choice but to send their children to a school where bullying is rampant. My suspicion is that a higher rate of today's children are full of anxiety, frustration, and anger than in years past - so it is a really good time to have choices.
Homeschooling does solve this problem rather well. But it isn't the only solution I would propose for our public school crisis. A private solution would help parents have a great deal more choice and voice in their child's schooling and would give administrators a substantial incentive (beyond caring - which yes, yes - many do) to do something about it.
WHERE is the real incentive in the public schools beyond threatening teachers with legal action or discipline if they don't report bullying?
Keep on putting your bullying signs and posters up. Keep on having your words of the week. Keep on talking about respect and tolerance. It is working SO well.
This article talks about having standards for how your friends treat you. I've seen this with my kids up close and personal. Kids are desperate for friends and allies in school. They have realized that they can't just dump friends because there AREN'T new ones to be found. So when bullying comes from friends our children are stuck just like so many of our children are STUCK in public schools. Oh, the misery.
Two key points here: 1. If a child ignores the bullying, they effectively are telling the bully that it is acceptable to bully them. 2. Bystanders and others in view will find it acceptable, and over time, it will become subconsciously viral (in school) where all students will develop a bullying posture with the victim.
Also, schools and parents do not currently have the right tools, resources and counsel to stop and prevent bullying. Our book, "When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions For Families" is due out this summer. In it, we provide step-by-step tactics and strategies to stop the bullying and get beyond it. My co-author and I have lived the process, researched extensively and worked with a wide variety of experts. Our strategies and tactics are practical and well-founded.
The best advice is similar to this reporter's thoughts: stop it early and comprehensively! Demonstrate through the school administration that it will not be tolerated. If you do not stop it early, it goes viral and then starts to do real damage to the victim's self esteem and possibly, much worse.
Bravo to this reporter for highlighting this distinction!
Currently have a job with a sophisticated (if occasional) bully for a boss. Only way I know to deal is to get out of there. Fortunately, I have mad money, but many people don't.
Retaliation isn't always effective or feasible. If there are 6 of them and 1 of you, what can you do? Or what if it's happening to some kid who's gimpy, has a health problem, or a mental limitation? What do you tell the one black kid in a lily white school. (A situation I've seen, from the outside, anyway.)
Or what if their oil is under your sand?
My daughter finally was pushed in her 11th grade year by a bully in class to throw a book at her. She immediately pick up the book, and her stuff and said "I know, I am going to the office". The bullying stopped though.
My son who is in 6th grade started getting bullied this year. Bully said he and all his friends were nerds. My son said, at least I have friends and walked away. Next day, the kid pushed him in the bathroom while washing his hands and said move. My son pushed back and said no. Kid stopped. When the bully picked on a smaller kid in class in front of other kids, my son asked him "why are you acting like a bully?" The kid had no clue he was a bully. The other kids concurred. It stopped. We have been lucky this way.