Death, Fear and The Elephant In The Room

There are very few irrefutable facts in this world that remain absolute. This is one: We all die. Yet it is a topic that rarely enters our conversations. We can talk to each other about the weather, the most minute details of our work, and even about who we slept with last night including what we did in the most graphic detail. We become fixated on a celebrated person's death and continually channel surf to get just one more media report about their life and how they died. Does Michael Jackson come to mind?

But in all of this, does it trigger water cooler discussions about death, its meaning in our life or what we believe comes after, what our medical wishes are, or what we want from our loved ones when our own death is near? These kinds of conversations seldom happen around the water cooler let alone among families and friends. In this age when visible underwear is a fashion statement and the most intimate details of our lives are readily available on line to complete strangers, it seems odd that we are only comfortable with the most surface conversations about death and dying.

Naturally, our discomfort is magnified a thousand times over when someone we love receives a terminal diagnosis. In spite of the immensity, or perhaps because of it, we find ourselves at a loss on how to talk about it. Words seem to become frozen in our throats from a fear that speaking them will somehow deepen the reality. Here's a case in point. A client's husband of 11 years was dying. She was devoted to him and only left his side to go home, fix dinner for their young children who were being cared for by her mother and then hurry back. She would give him daily reports about the homework assignments, home repair needs, and messages from the neighbors. But she couldn't talk to him about dying.

The heart shattering, mind stopping enormity of knowing he wouldn't be with her was just too much. She needed to pretend that he was going to get better and they were going to have the life they had promised each other. I came into his room one day while this conversation was happening. He was turned away and laid there silently. When she left the room a few minutes later, he turned to me and asked why she kept lying to him. He wanted to talk to her but he didn't know how. He didn't believe her that he would get better and he didn't believe she believed it either. He didn't know how to break the pretense.

Their experience isn't unusual. I have witnessed some form of this scenario with far too many. It's as if the dying process has already robbed us of our words that once so easily flowed and connected us to each other. Somewhere we have come to believe that if we don't talk about it, the other won't think about it and if they're not thinking about it, it's not happening. It's as if the proverbial elephant has taken up residence in our lives.

The travesty is that when we allow fear in any of its forms to stand in the way, we never get to have those conversations that ultimately provide comfort after the other has gone. There isn't a time to make amends for any wrongs, imagined or real, experience the deepening of the relationship that comes from sharing the journey no matter how difficult, or even begin planning together for what comes next. Too many times, we rob each other of good-by.

Fear becomes such a dominating force at this critical time in our lives. Fear blocks our words. It is the fear of saying something wrong. It is the fear of upsetting our loved one. It is the fear of losing control.

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler Ross, the foremost expert on death & dying has taught us is this: There are few things more meaningful than being with another as they make their transition from this life to the next. This experience is one of the greatest teachers we can have. Death teaches us about life. It teaches us about our capacity to love. In the end, it teaches us that it isn't the words we say, but our courage to be emotionally and spiritually present in such a way that both the one leaving and the one being left behind come to fully understand love has no end.

The purpose of this blog is to encourage conversation about death & dying that goes beyond the superficial. We want to hear from you. We want this to be a forum that we can learn from each other's stories and find comfort in our shared experience. Please join us in this important conversation.

 

Follow Rose Winters on Twitter: www.twitter.com/scotchman

Comments

[SonofLiberty1]

03:25 AM on 08/26/2009

Chaplet of Divine Mercy
Say it only once and you will gain heaven

[Sparkling44]

03:46 PM on 08/25/2009

Rose Winters has brought many important thoughts to light. We as humans need to become more enlighted about the process of passing from being earth-bound to continuing to a spiritual plane.

When I did estate planning, it was tragic how often husbands didn't want to involve or concern their wives with decisions that would need to be made when the husband passed away. As a result, the widows were not prepared for any of the business decisions that needed to be made---much less the spiritual acceptance of their loss. When I've told friends I was grateful their parent didn't suffer long, some of them were horrified by my remark---because they were ONLY able to focus on their loss and not on their parent's release from suffering. Americans need to learn from other cultures in their acceptance of death, and we need to talk about it and bring it into the open--so people are prepared and aren't so devastated when it happens. Rose Winters has done a great job of opening this important discussion.

[shoeygirl]

01:00 PM on 08/25/2009

As someone who's had a lifelong fear of death, this article is very helpful. For me, I guess it's just that I really love my life, so the thought of not being here is just too weird. I'm not a believer....more of an agnostic I guess, but even the idea of just "not being" is also....too weird, and scary. Having said this, I think it's so good for people to talk about it! I remember years ago, I went to an interview and the woman interviewing me had this incredible aura of sadness around her. It didn't surprise me that, during the natural course of conversation, she shared that she had lost her 22 year old son 2 years prior. A dear friend of mine who had also lost a child had, years earlier, given me the best advice. "Don't be afraid to talk about it. We may cry, we may break down, but talk anyway." I always remembered that. So.....I immediately asked the woman, "What was your son's name?" It was stunning how instantaneously the enegy changed around her. She told me his name, shared a small story, I asked more, and so on and so on. It was as if for those 10+ minutes, he was right there with her again. I get that. And we both cried. But it was real, and it was an honor...to know her "Alex", through her, for even 10 minutes.

[absalom135]

03:52 PM on 08/25/2009

Yeah, I totally agree. The plain thought of “not being here” is absolutely most terrifying. Fear of the unknown is something that human wisdom will never be able to appease.

[sizoda1]

10:37 PM on 08/25/2009

i have the worst death anxiety.... i have had it since i was a kid. it has robbed me of years of life. the funny thing is, i seem to have a real gift with those who are dying. i can talk about anything. i'm the go-to person in my family for funeral planning and execution. i keep telling myself, "granny did it. marianne did it. so can i." but, man, am i terrified. i believe in god, but--and this is important--i don't believe there is anything after this life. nothingness is the scariest idea in the world to me. no therapist can help. and now? it seems i'm pretty sick. it's almost a joke, only i am not laughing.

[Arithrianos]

10:29 AM on 08/25/2009

One reason death is so difficult to talk about is that it is mostly seen as somehow separate from life, that it is a thief that robs us of our "right" to hold onto things forever. This is so far from the truth, it is death that makes life possible, just try growing any crops without dead plants and animals called "fertilizer", all life is not at all separate from death. But still the illusion persists that somehow with the right manipulation that the reality of nonduality can somehow be circumvented, that somehow there can be an up with no down, a hello without a goodbye, a birth without a death. This is the suffering of ego, at war with reality. In my experience reality always wins, but suffering is not reallly needed, it is just a mistake in view. Sadness at passing is natural, but temporary, it is the clinging that creates problems.

[loma]

09:22 AM on 08/25/2009

As a young child,I would go with my parents to the cemetery on then,Decoration Day.In the morning we would go into our yard and gather the irises,peonies,,and any of the other flowers that might be in bloom.We would take special care to make sure that there were small bouquets for my grandparents,greatgrandmother,and for my father's younger siblings.
We would then make the five mile journey to the cemetery.The first visit was always to my grandparents final resting place where the colorful blooms were placed lovingly.My father would tell of special remembrances of them;then that ceremony would be repeated for each of the other loved ones.When this ritual was complete,we would " visit" other loved ones buried near by.

I would make a trip to the cemetery on a different occasion with my father and younger sister.My father was getting up in years and he insisted that he wanted to be buried with the family.There was suppose to be one plot left in the family plot,but for some reason another family was buried in it.We met with the cemetery care taker,and he said that if Dad wouldn't mind being buried in the old alley way,that they would make room for him there when the time came,and he would be next to his family members.This seemed to bring great peace to our father;and it indeed became his final resting place.

[Michael Blais]

12:22 PM on 08/24/2009

Such a powerful message and something I try to instill in my daily living. To be aware of our own impermanence, and the inevitability of everything and every one. Thanks for sharing, and for making me more aware.

Only through waking up to this reality of deaths, can we all truly appreciate our life's big and small moments even more. The rest is just distraction.

[bluecollarblogger]

04:09 AM on 08/24/2009

Since losing my father in 1994 i have become a registered nurse and now a nurse educator. Whenever we discuss death and dying a question which I get alot is "how long does the process take", the anger, the denial, so many emotions and I always have to answer that I feel like the process is a life long process. Yes, we may accept the fact that we have lost someone, but when we have something good or bad happen in our lives, we may wish that loved one was near. There are still days, I need someone to talk to and I get aggrivated, why, because he is not here. Is the process still continueing....i would say so.......and I believe that this is not a bad thing........the sooner that I come to grips that it was perfectly healthy for me to be sad some times when I passed our favorite fishing hole, or I got angry because life had taken him before he could see his grandchildren married the better I felt about my on process. Its the bottled up emotion, anxiety, fear, resentment......guilt which destroys us.

[arebee]

12:30 AM on 08/24/2009

Since the death of my daughter 10 years ago, on numerous occasions I have tried to talk about dying (specifically my death) to my son, my husband, my mother and anyone else who I thought might listen. No one wants to discuss it. The only person who even comes close to listening is my late daughter's husband. After the strength my daughter showed in her last days and her optimistic attitude on the last night of her life, I only hope that I can be as courageous. Death after all is part of life.

[AHLOVE]

09:22 PM on 08/23/2009

These conversations are so vital to our lives.
Please see:

www.consciousbirthanddying.com

[onwisconsin]

08:45 PM on 08/23/2009

My mother-in-law, who is a very healthy 69, and I have been having conversations lately about what she wants when she dies. She recently sat down with my sister-in-law and me to make sure her wishes were known.

It doesn't take a lot of time just to listen and to make sure she knows that we will honor her wishes when the time comes.

[TomZart]

04:07 PM on 08/23/2009

SHOULD TOMORROW START WITHOUT ME


Should tomorrow start without me
Remember I love you.
Looking down from up above
Seeing everything you do.

If I become a casualty
I pray you will love again
Whom ever makes you happy
I'll consider my friend.

Should tomorrow start without me
Remind our boys, God loves all who care.
And when life seems too harsh and cruel
With "Him" they must share their prayer.

I have proven I'm not a coward
Who breaks and runs to survive.
Always fearing death will kiss me
As the streets of Baghdad I drive.

Should tomorrow start without me
Be proud I choose to serve.
Our faith and our patriotism
Earn the freedom we deserve.

I miss home more than ever
It breaks my heart to stay away
I can't help but want to hold you
And whisper what I say.



By Conservative Poet
Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web

[gigasquid]

02:02 PM on 08/23/2009

As a past voyager into intentional and unintentional near-death experiences I was stunned to learn something that's remained with me throughout my later life: Nothing is lost!

Make of this what you will. Each person must deal with this discovery and its implications for themselves.

[Susan Perry]

11:28 PM on 08/22/2009

Good subject indeed. Some recent books helped me in my own thinking about death as an atheist. I discuss each of them in a post of my own. If you're interested, check it out. It's called "6 Ways to Think About Death."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creating-in-flow/200906/6-ways-think-about-death

[Ventoi]

10:50 PM on 08/22/2009

Are we already gone spirtually before we die bodily?

Is that why the whole process is so 'fake' ?

I heard 'somewhere' lately (in a dream, perhaps) that we are all here on earth in body...and some of us have broken heavens codes or hurt others in ways the rest of us didn't understand until a little ways in the future...(things that may not have even shown up until the future)

they went back (God...or whoever does that) and removed our 'dirty' spirit and held our body by some force of God...like a shell...functioning...but not altogether there...

and they have to leave us here...until the moment arrives when we grievously offend...bodily or spiritually...under God...

and our body joins us...in the jails of heaven perhaps> (what is it they say? that in rapture...the dead will not enter into heaven and their spirits will roam the earth...until we judge them properly, especially if someone had given them a covenant that excused things that are now unexcusable...not allowed to go to Hell, for example...but can't come back here under MY WATCH)...

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...UNDER GOD.

[Norak]

08:41 PM on 08/22/2009

I'm getting up there and ready to face my death (some day, not tomorrow!) and have made the practical preparations such as will, living will, etc. But I cannot get my children, all adults, to discuss it or talk about it. They get upset and refuse to face reality and I feel as if they think I'm crying wolf, when what I want to do is talk about what they've meant to me in my life and the fact that I don't want or expect to go on forever and that's O.K. Thirty-odd years ago I took a bereaved friend to see Kubler-Ross and bought her book, "On Death and Dying." I remember vividly that she had a little sort of cocoon made out of cloth which she zipped quickly inside out to transform into a colorful butterfly. This was her interpretation of the life into death transition. I'm not religious, don't really belief in an afterlife so I'm not sure why that incident impressed me so, but it did. She made me realize there is more to life than life. The question of why we are here is for philosophers and though I love my life, I have a strong conviction I'll be ready for the next adventure, if there is one. Iif not, sleep and oblivion.