I have made a supreme and solemn vow. Around college admissions time I will not, no matter what, go near Facebook for at least two months. Why? I mean isn't it part of the territory that people will post annoying things on FB? Yes, that's true. However this March I hit the proverbial wall. This time it wasn't my kid or her friends who were posting inappropriately: it was their parents.
The sad story began in early Spring. I casually turned on my computer and did what I always do: checked my e-mails, read The Huffington Post and began to scroll through my Facebook page. This time, as I perused New News and Top News (it took me two months before I could figure out the difference between the two), I began to see posts that set my nerves on edge. Here are some samples:
"Maggie has been accepted to Trinity College! NOT her first choice. But at least she got in somewhere!"
Well, uh, Trinity could be somebody's first choice 'ya know OR, maybe, just maybe somebody else's kid didn't get into Trinity or any college for that matter. Hmmm... Okay.
I blow it off. A few days pass.
"Maggie has been accepted to Barnard, Vassar, Dartmouth, Brown and Yale!!!!!! Woo-hoo. So proud and so excited. But still waiting to hear from her #1 choice!!!!!!"
Uh, seriously? What could her first choice possibly be? But wait, a few days pass. Then, a breathless post: "Maggie has been accepted to Harvard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OMG. Harvard? This has to be Maggie's first choice, right? Her dreams have come true. This is what she, we, the world has been waiting for. What the entire family has been pining and hoping for for months, years, days.
Naturally, as is the case with FB, there will be comments:
"Congrats to Maggie, can we take you out to lunch to find out what she did to get into all those great schools?????"
"Wow, Maggie is soooooooooooo smart, but we always knew that."
"I knew about Harvard, but Yale, Vassar and Brown too? Wow."
"Congratulations to Maggie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is she going to go?"
"It's between Harvard, Yale and Dartmouth. She is going... somewhere????"
Okay. I'm sure as hell relieved; Maggie has gained admission into just about every top tier school in the country. I feel much, much better. Good for Maggie. But how does this help my kid who is having meltdowns over high school geometry and has decided NOT to apply to Wesleyan because she can't deal with taking calculus? How does that help all Maggie's mom's FB friends who have kids who got rejected from all those colleges and feel very lucky to get into... anywhere USA? I'm wondering what parents are thinking when they post their kid's college acceptances. I'm sure they're proud. I'm sure there has been a great deal of stress in the house and that it's a huge relief knowing that after all the hard work and studying, there is a payoff. In some cases, the payoff is impressive and in others, it's disappointing and a soft landing. The anxiety level is palatable. The one-upsmanship is dangerous.
I think that given the competitive nature of college admissions and parental/child buy-in into the drama, the frenzy about getting into college -- particularly the most desirable, selective schools -- is now at such a fever pitch that it makes normally sane people insane. The most sensitive, discreet people become utter loudmouths and braggarts and lose all sense of reality.
Here's the thing. No one is saying that getting into college isn't important. It is. It's very important. No one is saying you shouldn't be proud of your child. You should. No one doubts that you're a great parent. You are. BUT, some things are private and should not be broadcast to the world for any number of reasons. If I need to spell out those reasons, I'm happy to.
Please do me a favor, take a look at your list of FB friends. Think about what kinds of kids they have and take a guesstimate at how they might be doing in school. What do you get out of broadcasting your kid's good, mediocre or just okay admissions information? Why do you think anyone, but those people who are closest to you, care? I'm being very polite here, but if you need everyone to talk about how obnoxious your postings are, then by all means, keep it up.
However, if you want to stop being a competitive, self-centered, obnoxious parent, then keep your kid's admissions information to yourself. If they decide to post it all over FB, fine... but don't you do it. Why? Because quite frankly, it really, truly annoys everyone and it makes the admissions process that much more stressful for all involved. It also sets a bad example. You're the parent. You're the adult. Act like one.
These people posting/bragging about all the name schools that accepted their kid should also be forced to post where the kid actually CHOSE to go -- "Johnny got acceptances from Harvard, Yale & Brown. He's decided to attend Joe's School for Schmoes in the fall."
Just because the kid got into the big-name school doesn't mean he/she wants to go there. Let's hear where they're actually matriculating!
PS: The only person truly interested in your kid(s) is YOU. I'm just sayin'. The rest of us don't give a hoot.
I can change diapers, teach a teenager how to drive, stay up long nights working on science projects and can't brag about my child's accomplishments?
Perhaps posting accomplishments can encourage people and not discourage them.
thanking the parents for their important role in the student's success.
That was a daily and weekly effort for a lot of years.
You are SO right. And frankly, that's exactly what I should have done. I'm off Facebook. Forever.
If you ask me, we need a lot more cheerleading for the kids who achieve academically and not diminish their accomplishments in favor of non-academic activities. We've got enough "dumbing down" going on in this country and I, for one, think it's great that parents are doing their bit to make sure these achievements are recognized.
Now, you could make a case for the frequency of these kinds of posts--perhaps one grand announcement would be better than a daily update--but you can be darn sure that if my kids got into a very selective school--on THEIR achievements, not mine--I'd be shouting it from the rooftops.
I'd rather just congratulate my kid (if I had one) for getting into his/her top choice school. If people asked what school was the top choice, then I'd tell them. Otherwise, I'd keep it to myself (and close family/friends). Blatant namedropping (like Maggie's parent in the above article) strikes me as indicative of being desperate for attention and explicit validation from peers (but I could be wrong).
I also think that the daily updates contribute to the negative perception that I articulated in my previous sentence.
P.S. Your slogan (Vote Third Party) is compelling. I bet that neither the Green nor Libertarian party candidates in 2008 would've bailed out the banks...that's a plus in my book.
I really do think the problem here is rooted in two things: (1) our culture celebrates brawn over brains, and (2) we haven't yet come to grips with private vs. public with the advent of social media. What used to be "between friends" conversations are now public broadcasts. That is unless, of course, the people who are your FB friends really are your friends, in which case they should be jumping for joy on your kid's success. If they aren't, perhaps they really aren't your friends?
No, "utter loudmouths and braggarts" keep their spots. Facebook is genrally a tool for such people. Don't be surprised when its used as it was designed by the kinds of people for whom it was designed. Remember, it got its start as an electronic pigbook.
grandparents, especially with the helicopter role many take on, to take pride and want to brag a little to their friends, and to the world, about the accomplishments of their child or grandchild. Talking over the back fence just doesn't work anymore. Once again, Facebook takes on a whole new role.
Susie Watts, College Direction, Denver, Colorado
When our schools start throwing pep rallies for the kids who enter the science fair, or publicly acknowledge and congratulate the kid who got a National Merit Scholarship, then parents can stop personally promoting those accomplishments. Until then, more power to them.
The most interesting people I know today absolutely hated high school, hated the pressure of trying to please parents and were in outright rebellion against everything their parents held dear--which also describes my college-bound child to a "T." If I boasted about him on Facebook, I would add at least five more years to the already too-long waiting time before he is okay with talking to me again. Not gonna do it!
What's there to hate?
Being forced at metaphorical gunpoint to sit at a desk for hours a day?
Being treated as a learning unit instead of a person who may actually have likes, dislikes and interests?
Being subjected to an institution which teaches with every lesson "Obedience Uber Alles"?
Go check out Ken Robinson's TED lecture to hear what a Knighted EdD has to say about school - the miracle is that there are any kids who don't hate it.