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Ross Hyzer
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Ross Hyzer is a writer and stand-up comedian. He can be contacted here.

Entries by Ross Hyzer

Help Us Blow Up the Sun

(0) Comments | Posted March 4, 2015 | 11:15 PM

2015-03-05-1425589984-5077799-5478331001_22d6ac5678_z.jpg

Dear Congressperson,

I'm writing on behalf of Americans for a Brighter Tomorrow to join us in boycotting the upcoming Vernal Equinox. Though seemingly innocuous, the Vernal Equinox is in fact a pseudo-scientific assault upon the work of our benefactor, the brilliant Dr. Clandestino....

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Terrible Father's Day Gift Ideas for Desperate Sons and Daughters

(1) Comments | Posted June 13, 2013 | 3:21 PM

Hey gang, Father's Day is this Sunday and OH SHIT, oh dear sweet Jesus, I need to get a gift for my dad.

And if you're anything like me, you do too.

But what is he into? I mean, seriously, what does this guy do? Who knows? He never...

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Advice for My Child (Not to Be Opened Before Your 25th Birthday)

(0) Comments | Posted April 30, 2012 | 5:19 PM

Note to readers: I recently got married (yes, she is a very lucky woman) and consequently I find myself spending a lot less time hanging out in discotheques and a lot more time thinking about the future. Particularly, with the usual conservative "culture of life" suspects stressing the need for...

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A Bold Proposal

(11) Comments | Posted December 16, 2011 | 11:25 AM

The Santorum campaign garnered some much-needed non-anal attention last week when, speaking in Iowa, the presidential hopeful suggested that the food stamp program is unnecessary because poor people are so fat. "If hunger is a problem in America," said professional logician Rick Santorum, "then why do we have...

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Spies...Like Us?

(1) Comments | Posted June 30, 2010 | 5:18 PM

Spy fever is sweeping the nation! With the arrest of the 10 alleged Russian spies this week, Americans can stop worrying about depressing problems like the oil hurricane down the Gulf, or boring problems like the Senate's financial "reform" kabuki theater, and just focus on the sexy dangers...

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A Republican-Backed Oklahoma Tea Party Paramilitary? Sounds About Right

(35) Comments | Posted April 14, 2010 | 12:07 PM

Militias are back, huzzah! In a development that is exactly zero percent surprising and fully reinforces any cynical views alien observers might have regarding humans, the AP reports today that Tea Party activists and Republican state legislators in Oklahoma are discussing creating a state-wide volunteer militia to "protect...

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White House Stands by Geithner, Citing His Ignorance

(4) Comments | Posted January 11, 2010 | 3:04 PM

The malodorous AIG bailout just keeps getting funkier. It seems that while bailing out the insolvent insurance giant, the New York Federal Reserve -- purely as an aside, of course -- told AIG, "Hey, AIG, we know that you're going to use all this taxpayer money to pay...

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This Recession Couldn't Be Any Overer

(1) Comments | Posted October 27, 2009 | 1:20 PM

Readers take note: I am currently autumning in a small timeshare Quonset in the heart of the Okefenokee Swamp, with limited internet access. Thankfully, my Facebook friend and tidewater gadabout Jack Mackerel has once again agreed to write a guest column in my absence. Jack, my readers and I are...

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Shouting Matches Between People, Straw Men at Town Halls

(7) Comments | Posted August 11, 2009 | 6:40 PM

August. So hot. Sweat sheeting down the small of my back like the spotless rinse at a no-touch car wash. Luckily, not all Americans are spending August laying naked in front of a fan, as I am. No, there are citizens among us who realize that a battle is raging...

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Sarah Palin to Alaska: And This Bird You Cannot Change

(38) Comments | Posted July 27, 2009 | 3:19 PM

Yesterday was Sarah Palin's last day as governor of Alaska, and she marked the event with a farewell address to a crowd gathered in Fairbanks. Below is a transcript of the speech, as filtered through my brain.

Gosh, thank you so much for all your claps and your...

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A Roast to Prohibition (VIDEO)

(0) Comments | Posted June 27, 2009 | 12:17 PM

Last week, to the delighted huzzahs of Government Mule fans the world over, Rep. Barney Frank introduced two pieces of marijuana-related legislation -- one to prevent the Federal government from interfering in medical marijuana programs implemented by state governments, and the other to decrease Federal penalties for personal possession...

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If You Want To Make An Omelette, You've Got To Torture Some Guys

(0) Comments | Posted May 28, 2009 | 3:32 PM

Please note: I am currently in the Federated States of Micronesia as part of a month-long windjamming tour of the Pacific Rim. Luckily, an acquaintance that I made while performing at the University of Pennsylvania, Jack Mackerel, has graciously volunteered to write a guest column in my absence. Thanks Jack,...

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Corn, Grant Wood and Gay Marriage: Welcome to Iowa

(6) Comments | Posted April 3, 2009 | 6:05 PM

Full disclosure: I'm an Iowan. Born and raised in Des Moines, I was caught by the sucking vortex of the Brain Drain, taking all of the advantages bestowed upon me by excellent public education and lively civic engagement, packing them into my little hobo bindle and emigrating to some coastal...

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Pay No Attention to the Man Buying All that Cesium

(6) Comments | Posted March 12, 2009 | 6:14 PM

If you've not yet read the peculiar tale of James G. Cummings, it goes thusly: millionaire white supremacist James "Jimmy Spooge" Cummings was so upset about a mulatto being elected President that he set about making a dirty bomb in his house in Maine. You remember dirty bombs, right? The...

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George Washington, Carver

(1) Comments | Posted February 13, 2009 | 12:00 PM

All you need to know about President's Day and Black History Month in one conveniently incorrect documentary.

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Michael Phelps' Next Disgrace: Listening to Jazz?

(4) Comments | Posted February 6, 2009 | 10:42 AM

We all know what happens to a person who kills another person - we lock him up, throw away the key and the problem is solved. But how should we punish a person who kills a dream? Shouldn't such a monster be treated at least thirty-eight times more harshly? It's...

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I Bet That Hobo Can Recommend a Good Restaurant

(7) Comments | Posted January 28, 2009 | 9:17 AM

Last night, the House passed the stimulus package after a series of blahbity blah blah, good gumdrops why do the really important things always have to be so mind-numbingly dull? You know, the time for bold action is now and get economy moving again and laying the groundwork for...

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Getting Back on the Horse

(0) Comments | Posted December 23, 2008 | 10:36 AM

All you sailors, Farmer's Almanac editors and practicing Wiccans out there know that this past Sunday was the winter solstice, marking the shortest day in the northern hemisphere. I spent the brief day and long night snug in my well-appointed quarters, watching a Big Love marathon, hoping against both hope...

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Thanks for Nothing

(0) Comments | Posted November 24, 2008 | 4:36 PM

Like an asthmatic, flat-footed brainiac on the dreaded gym class mile run (not to divulge too much about my adolescent self), we as a nation are now grimly limping toward the end of the year, teeth gritted, bracing ourselves for the next spasm and wondering if there's anything we can...

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Obama Was Elected Last Tuesday: Where Are All the Ponies?

(0) Comments | Posted November 10, 2008 | 11:15 PM

We all know of the Big Kahuna's mighty exploits. He slew the Clintonian kraken and, yea verily, exorcised the spooky chain-rattling ghosts of Republicanism past. But that was, like, a week ago; what's he done for us lately? The euphoria of his electoral victory was all we'd hoped it would...

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