THE BLOG

Help Us Blow Up the Sun

03/05/2015 07:15 pm ET | Updated May 04, 2015

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Dear Congressperson,

I'm writing on behalf of Americans for a Brighter Tomorrow to join us in boycotting the upcoming Vernal Equinox. Though seemingly innocuous, the Vernal Equinox is in fact a pseudo-scientific assault upon the work of our benefactor, the brilliant Dr. Clandestino. Rather than celebrate this Stone Age impediment to progress, we urge you to recognize it for what it is: an end-run effort to undermine Dr. Clandestino's bold plan to blow up the sun.

Frankly, the sun has had it too good for too long -- thanks in large part to corrupt scientists and beachgoers and plants, all pushing their radical pro-sun agenda. But that doesn't change the facts at hand:

  • Fact: We already know what it's like to live without the sun. It's called nighttime. To quote the hyperbolic sun worshippers, does "life as we know it...cease to exist" at night? No. No it does not.
  • Fact: With the sun out of the picture, America's coal, oil, natural gas and peat moss industries stand to double their profits AT LEAST. Talk about job creation!
  • Fact: Freedom from the sun's loathsome rays and the prying eyes that accompany them will allow our misunderstood geniuses to perform their delicate, unspeakable experiments in peace and quiet, at long last.
  • Fact: The sun is a fiery demon incessantly mocking us, smug in its unearned position of prominence, silently hounding us to the very ends of sanity.

Clearly, the sun has to go.

Acknowledge these self-evident truths, though, and what happens? People call you insane. Insane! An outrageous accusation, were it not so absurd. After all, could an insane person develop and perfect the technology to induce a yellow dwarf star to go supernova? Could an insane person successfully corner the world's coal, oil, natural gas and peat moss markets? Could an insane person create a front organization that affords him access to the highest levels of power? WE'LL SHOW THEM WHO'S INSANE!

And we need your help. The $18 trillion Dr. Clandestino stands ready to spend in the next election cycle can't do the work on its own; we also need duly elected legislative representatives -- like you -- who have the courage to turn that money into Congressional votes.

Boycotting the Vernal Equinox is only the first step. Here are some other ways you can work to advance our important cause:

  • Defund NASA, the Department of Defense, and anyone else meddlesome enough to stand in our way
  • Abolish the "Death Ray Tax"
  • Privatize the Yellowstone Caldera, making its vast magma reserves available for development by the nation's death ray companies
  • Cut the capital gains tax
  • Provide more higher education funding for the Mad Sciences

And, of course, encourage your constituents to get out and volunteer. A project of this urgency and magnitude can only be achieved via the selfless toil of thousands of faceless minions, channeling searing rivers of lava into a dread engine mighty enough to fatally pierce the heart of our solar nemesis.

In the words of Dr. Clandestino,
Goodnight Forever,

Christian Surname
President and Real Person
Americans for a Brighter Tomorrow

(Photo by Kevin Dooley.)