02/28/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

I Bet That Hobo Can Recommend a Good Restaurant

Last night, the House passed the stimulus package after a series of blahbity blah blah, good gumdrops why do the really important things always have to be so mind-numbingly dull? You know, the time for bold action is now and get economy moving again and laying the groundwork for unleashing the potential of our something-or-others. Thrilling. What's that you say? There'd been a dispute over money in the package for resodding the National Mall? Well, consider me rapt. Never mind ladies birthing a clutch of hamster-sized babies or Rod Blagojevich comparing the Illinois Senate to the janjaweed (which hasn't happened yet but, you know, finger crossed). Nuts to all that titillating nonsense. Tell me more about disputes over cuts to payroll taxes BUT NOT income taxes. Because not only will that affect every single person in the country, but can't think of a way to finish this sentence without falling asleep.

The stimulus package, like a lot of really important things in life, is big and complicated and tedious and and a bit of a chore to mind. It's that peculiar mix of boring and scary that's a hit with the elderly (if you don't believe me, just watch literally any show on CBS) but constitutes a bitter, drowsy pill for the rest of us. Luckily, President Obama is helping us pay attention by injecting some whimsy into the otherwise bone-dry politicking: he's been reaching out to Republicans to find out what they think.

Okay sure, hooray for being bi(partisan) and all that whoop-dee-doo, but seriously. Meeting with House and Senate Republicans and saying, "So, pallies, how do you think we should fix this economy? You know, the thing that you're so good at not ruining and also that you're so good at fixing by making billions of dollars vanish without a trace?" Hilarious. And not just because we get to see John Boehner's name in print a lot. But also because if most people cared about how the Republicans want to fix the economy, guess what? The president would be a salty old man and the Republicans wouldn't be in the minority. But instead, the presidential election that hinged principally on economic issues was won by Obama. Because people realized that, at this juncture, asking a Republican to fix the economy is like asking a butcher to take care of your cow; he doesn't understand what "take care of" means and before you know it you're covered in blood and offal and the other dude's making off with a cooler full of steaks.

But since the question has been raised, let me exercise my mighty powers of prognostication and guess just what it is that the Republicans would recommend. Hmmm, let me see...bit of a it, oh, I don't know, cutting taxes? Is that it? Do they want to cut taxes? Maybe especially business taxes? Wow, I'm really inside the Congressional Republican's collective dome, it seems. And I'm not even a Boehner.