If You Want To Make An Omelette, You've Got To Torture Some Guys

06/28/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Please note: I am currently in the Federated States of Micronesia as part of a month-long windjamming tour of the Pacific Rim. Luckily, an acquaintance that I made while performing at the University of Pennsylvania, Jack Mackerel, has graciously volunteered to write a guest column in my absence. Thanks Jack, and all the best to my dozens of loyal readers.

In the golden days of feudal Japan, it was said that a samurai knew how to move in only one direction: forward. And that, in a nutshell, is how I live my life. Always forward. Always up. Ain't not stopping this gunslinger. I'm a tomcat on the prowl, just looking for a nice fat tasty rat and maybe a little tail behind the dumpster. I don't take what I can get - I get what I take. Live big or don't bother, that's what I say. And I'll tell you this, I don't take no horsecrap off nobody. Why? Because hey, I don't have to. Need proof? Check the Constitution. Here's a truth I hold to be self-evident: when I want to do something, I do it. Welcome to the summit, baby.

But some people, oddly enough, don't want to just chill like a yeti at the top of Mount Everest. Some people would rather stress about this torture stuff, when there are plenty of good reasons to forget about it and get back to rockin' and rollin'. What gives? Dick Cheney was good enough to remind us that if we don't torture terrorists, we will die. Not enough for you? How about the fact that these are straight-up nasty dudes. How do I know? Because we captured them. If we capture people who aren't bad guys, that wouldn't make any sense? Maybe you're thinking, "But it's possible to make mistakes." Dunno, that seems a little pessimistic to me, but then I'm just a positive guy. And is it even torture? Who can say? Would you rather argue about this or go fishing? Your choice.

Most of the controversy, as we all know, surrounds the practice of waterboarding. When I first heard about it, I was like, "That's just a little smaller than a boogie board, right?" Ha ha, I'm just messing - that's one of my favorite jokes. But really, read a little about waterboarding and you'll find it doesn't sound that bad. It's basically just like giving somebody a swirlie. We all remember swirlies, right? It was supposedly big news that Abu Zabayda was waterboarded 83 times. Big news? More like big deal. There was this kid I used to know, Jon Glasbrenner - I gave him at least 83 swirlies during eighth grade. So, what, I tortured that kid? Maybe that's what his mom said but hey, I'm not going to listen to some nerd's mom. That would make me a pussy. Ergo, ask yourself: are we, as a nation, a pussy?

And now people are grousing because it seems that torture was used to force detainees to give us bogus info linking Al-Qaeda to Saddam Hussein, thus giving us a faulty pretext to go to war. And again, I have to say, so what? What's wrong with twisting a few arms or putting a few guys in coffins full of worms to get what you want? Reminds me of this time in college, there was a guy living with us in Zete house, real lousy attitude, worst bro we ever had. So one day, I spent all afternoon eating wings and drinking Beast, then went back to the house and my buddies held him down while I farted in his face till he admitted that I'm the king. And he did. Boom. Case closed. Once it's said it can't be unsaid, all thanks to a little "enhanced interrogation" of my own. Whether it's waterboarding or dirty tacos, the point is it gets the job done.

Most mystifying of all, though, is the objection that torture is against the law. Who's law? Your law or my law, joker? Huh? You're going to tell me what to do, Belgium? I'd like to see you try. Last I checked, laws are rules and rules are only for chumps and losers. Rules are not for rulers, and we undoubtedly rule. So yeah, everyone else better follow international law, but not us, man, because we're awesome dudes. Simply consider this: guys like Jon Glasbrenner follow the rules and they get wailed on nonstop. I break every rule in the book and I have a Lamborghini Countach. Who would you rather party with?

So let's all relax about all this torture stuff and just appreciate the fact that we live in a country founded on the idea of being able to do whatever you want all the time with no consequences whatsoever. This was the dream of the Founding Fathers, which a few communofascists now want to warp into some kind of dystopian rule-of-law nightmare. But I'll take the rule of men over the rule of law any day. Because laws are complicated and boring. But men can give you a ride in their Lamborghinis.