04/12/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Pay No Attention to the Man Buying All that Cesium

If you've not yet read the peculiar tale of James G. Cummings, it goes thusly: millionaire white supremacist James "Jimmy Spooge" Cummings was so upset about a mulatto being elected President that he set about making a dirty bomb in his house in Maine. You remember dirty bombs, right? The thing Mohammedans were going to use to rain radioactive material all over our freedom, so go buy duct tape and plastic sheeting, right? Just like that, except this one was real. So he gets lots of uranium and thorium and whatnot and he's mixing explosives in the kitchen sink that he shares with his wife and his nine-year-old daughter and just kinda puttering around putting it all together with colorful wires and one of those alarm clocks where the hammer hits the bells. And he's like, "Oh man, I'm going to fully set this off at Obama's inauguration and end multiculturalism once and for all." But oops! Guess he shouldn't have been so abusive to his wife, because she shot him dead before he could save the white race.

That was back in December, and since then the story has been covered to the point of overexposure, with one story in the Bangor Daily News (linked here on good ol' HuffPo) and three - count 'em, three - posts on WikiLeaks. And upon learning about this, you might think to yourself, "Hey, that sounds like something a terrorist would do," or, "It's interesting how in this country leftist leaders are more often targets of violence than rightist leaders, and how over the past couple decades we've seen leftists tend to express disapproval by protesting and occasionally throwing a flaming trash can through a window, whereas rightists tend to do so by forming paramilitary groups and blowing things up," or, "Funny that racial profiling would let this guy slip through the cracks - I mean, he wasn't even caught! We only know about this because he was such a crapsack that his wife killed him."

Yes, you might think all of these things and more, but why don't you quiet your brain down for a second, let ol' Ross have his say. And my say is this: it's good that this story hasn't received a lot of coverage, because if it were any fishier it would be Iceland's only remaining source of income (oh yeah, Iceland, that's right, I've got your number). We're supposed to believe that Cummy G is a terrorist, doing all these terroristy things? Let's take a look at the facts, and see whether or not this rings true:

1. He's not a Muslim. Okay, maybe theoretically there could be such a thing as a white Muslim, but this isn't Star Trek, people - it's the real world. And in the real world, Muslims don't apply for membership in the US Nazi Party, as Cummings apparently did.

2. He's rich. He was the inheritor of a trust fund whose annual income is estimated in the millions. He lavishly decorated his home with giant Nazi flags, Hitler's personal dishes and silverware and other top-shelf Third Reich paraphernalia - and as any History Channel comptroller will tell you, that stuff ain't cheap. Terrorists, on the other hand, are poor and dirty and don't have shoes and eat rats or whatever.

3. He has no links with Bill Ayers, ACORN, or any other radical groups.

1 + 2 + 3 = propaganda, folks. It just doesn't add up any other way. I mean, every night this guy was eating lobster bisque with Der Fuhrer's own soup spoon - why would a guy who had everything just throw it all away? We should be thankful that this story didn't get picked up, because we need to keep the media channels clear of garbage so as to efficiently deliver important information about Bristol and Levi totally breaking up or Jim Cramer and Jon Stewart having a slap fight or Meghan McCain bravely storming the gates of relevance. Clearly the Maine State Police, the FBI and powerful Bangor media interests are up to some dirty pool here. But wherefore? And whofore? Is the Bangor Daily News the dreaded "toxic paper" we've been hearing so much about? Nobody knows and luckily nobody ever will, because we'll never hear anything about this ever again.