This Recession Couldn't Be Any Overer

Readers take note: I am currently autumning in a small timeshare Quonset in the heart of the Okefenokee Swamp, with limited internet access. Thankfully, my Facebook friend and tidewater gadabout Jack Mackerel has once again agreed to write a guest column in my absence. Jack, my readers and I are much obliged to you.

- Ross

Picture it: Cape Town, last month, me, there, straight-up partying like a Greek arms dealer at the coolest beaches and hottest clubs in the whole of Africa. Just another amazing chapter (what I can remember of it anyway) in my long and illustrious career of livin' the life. One day, between the bikinis and Bellinis, I take a break to get ultra real. Cage diving with great white sharks. Oh hellz yeah. See, back in August a buddy of mine had this big Shark Week party where he was all bragging about how a hammerhead had rammed his sloop off the coast of Maui. And I never let anyone top me -- no matter what -- so there I was, totally pumped to go face to face with the most fearsome killer in the known universe.

But then I get to the boat tour place and this old beef jerky-looking guy says they're closed! Talking about how they'd been dumping too much chum in the bay and the sharks were going nuts and people were getting killed or something. I'm like hey, I didn't come here to get an oceanology degree. All's I need is pictures proving that I'm more bad ass than a shark, so put me in the cage and let's do this. But this lamer just keeps on about patrol boats and state of emergency ... blah blah blah. I'm about ready to go shithouse -- this guy's wearing cutoff jeans and he's telling me what to do? Well, as luck would have it, my bro who was with me, his uncle knows some South African government guy who makes a few calls and, long story short, I get my pictures, parlay that into a poke with this smoking hot watch model that very same night, and the legend of J-Mack gets more epic every day.

And you know what? That's pretty much what this whole recession thing has been like. At first it looks like it's going to be a disaster (the goon keeping me out of the shark cage), but now the recession is over, so in the end turns out it's all good (I triumph over sharks, get bottle service, slip it into models, etc.). In other words, all's well that ends well.

Unfortunately, there are some people in the world who aren't awesome. There are some people who prefer to bitch and moan, rather than get a limo with their friends and have everyone dress like 1920s gangsters and just cruise around and rock out. And these people say that we're still in a recession. You're probably thinking to yourself, "Who are these people and why do they suck so much?" Exactly. How could anybody, no matter how stupid and boring, think we're still in a recession? The stock market is up, companies are making ass-loads of money, Goldman is about to give away their phattiest bonuses ever. Wall Street's diamond-crusted nuts are swinging pretty fierce. What more do you want?

But these loser crybabies keep being all, "Unemployment is still going up. Credit card default rates are at their highest levels since the start of the recession. The current rebound is only being propped up by government stimulus spending, while corporate profitability is up because companies can continue laying people off while squeezing more work out of their shell-shocked remaining employees who are terrified of losing their jobs. The richest 1% of the population controls almost a third of the nation's wealth, and their share continues to increase every day." What does any of that even mean?

Nobody knows. Nobody cares. Shut up.

Any jerk can see that the best kind of recovery has to be a Wall Street recovery. We should be groveling with our faces in the dirt, thankful that we're fortunate enough to have a Wall Street recovery. Because, in case you've forgotten, Wall Street represents the best people -- the money people, the people that make our economy happen. Without the rich, we are nothing. So we should totally focus on how to make Wall Street richer as fast as we possibly can. Because once those guys are back on their feet, they'll help everyone else up, too. I mean, what good would it do Wall Street to keep everybody else on their knees? Obviously, when we help the rich and powerful, we help ourselves. So I don't care at all about unemployment -- in fact, I hope unemployment goes up. Because if fewer people are employed, that means the rich have more money, which means they can hire more people. See how that works? And I hope the people who are still employed start making less money. The less the rich pay their employees, the more they can pay their employees. It's called economics.

If you're still not getting it, maybe an example from history can help. This one time, in ancient Rome, there was a huge fire and lots of people's homes were completely destroyed. Bummer, right? And the question for the Romans was, what do we do now? Do we rebuild a bunch of boring houses that nobody will ever care about in the future, or do we do it large, balls out, to the wall, full throttle, go big or go home, light speed, play for keeps, no excuses, no regrets, shock and awe, never look back?

Luckily, the emperor at the time, the great Nero, was a visionary. He cleared those cinders away and in its place he built himself a solid gold palace. With a gigantic statue of himself that always faced the sun, and fountains and swimming pools in the bedrooms, and a stable of the hottest concubines in the world, and a huge, crazy swanky rotating banquet hall where he partied 24/7 like a fucking god. And all those people whose houses burned down, well, now they could be constantly inspired by how pimp their emperor was AND get jobs polishing thrones and roasting peacocks and whatnot. Sounds a lot better than some lame old houses.

Or, to bring it all back to that day in Cape Town, who but Wall Street is going to go to the trouble of luring sharks into our beaches and harbors? Some pencil-pushing bureaucrat? They're the ones trying to keep the shark boats in port! So, the sooner we get Wall Street back out on the water (economy) with buckets of fish guts (money), the sooner they'll be able to attract the sharks (prosperity). And those sharks can be enjoyed by everyone -- whether you're inside the cage or just swimming around.