Honest Names For Nursing Homes

06/26/2015 05:07 pm ET | Updated Jun 26, 2016

A senior living facility called "Symphony Square " recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn't have a symphony. Nor is it square. So what's with the name? I'm guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with that enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities "The Quadrangle" and "Sunrise at Haverford."

Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I've brainstormed a few nursing home names that are more to the point. If you're thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:

Geezer Glen
Altacocker Acres
Polyp Place
Ferklempt Estates
Coronary Chateau

Memory Loss Manor
Vertigo Village
Disorientation Terrace
Get Me Outta Here Gardens
Altzheimers Acres

End O' Life Residence
Almost Heaven Homes
Deathview Villas
Reaching The End Estates
Abandoned Here Manor

Demented Gardens
Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care
Olde People Warehouse
Over the Hill Terrace
What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care

Bedpan Alley
Catheter Flats
Please Cut My Toenails Place
Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates
Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas

Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?

Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I'm 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!