What's Worse Than Election Anxiety?

Am I suffering from election anxiety? Hell yes! But it's worse than that. As much as I hope Obama wins, worry about the election being stolen and agonize over the latest poll results on a half dozen sites several times a day, it's the sadness that gets me even more. Every time I hear someone say, "His name is just like Osama," or "You can't vote for someone named Hussein. He's an 'A-rab'," "If he gets elected he's going to bring in terrorists" or "Marxist, communist," I feel profoundly sad. Every time I hear someone say, "He's going to raise taxes" or "Joe the Plumber," I feel like screaming.

So I go to the local growers market Saturday and spend an hour talking with the people at the McCain table. I'm wearing my "Obama, Vote Nov. 4th" T-shirt, and they pretty much pounce on me when I walk up to the table. At first they try get me to put a McCain/Palin bumper sticker over Obama's name, but I politely refuse. Instead, I ask them why they are supporting McCain.

One woman, the most aggressive of the five or six people there, starts yelling at me about Ayers and terrorists and how Obama isn't telling the truth, and Wright and a whole litany of Republican talking points. She even has them all hand-written on a little sign. I tell her that the Ayers' thing is bunk, and after a while (with some insults thrown my way) she seems to realize it isn't a winning argument when it turns out that I'm actually informed about the facts. So she turns to Reverend Wright. I start to point out that what was on YouTube was only one clip out of the 20 years Obama was supposed to have attended that church, asking her if there was any proof that Obama had sat through such sermons, and if there might be reasonable doubt that he hadn't.

At that point she starts to lose it and threatens to call a cop over. She points to a nearby sheriff - someone I know from my days on the city council, so I wasn't worried - and then she sort of goes into a meltdown. Just then a young man standing behind the McCain/Palin table says, "I'll talk with you." He's just as certain about the talking points, but reasonable and willing to engage. We talk about lots of things, including the various economic views of the candidates. He studied Adam Smith, Marx and other economic writers in college and so he's aware of some basic facts. I prove to him that I'm aware of economic theories, too, and provide some analysis about the disparities in our system from pure capitalism and its assertions of market mobility and other factors, but he still believes that helping the corporations and the rich get richer would ultimately trickle down to the rest of us. "You have to give it ten years," he tells me. I say, "The people of this country don't have ten years to wait to find out that it doesn't actually work. And besides," I add, "Bush has had eight years and look where we are now."

The nice young man back-peddles faster than a unicyclist on speed, saying, "Bush. No Bush did it all wrong. He borrowed and spent. Very bad." So we agree on something.

At the end of an hour, my wife pulls me away, as she usually does when I talk with Republicans or John Birchers, or whoever. But by the time I leave, even the aggressive woman is listening, and a small crowd, too.

Okay, we never really agreed on the fundamental issues. But I was no longer the "stupid, liberal asshole" they had called me at the beginning. Now I was someone at least as smart as they were, but with a different view.

It wasn't the perfect exchange, but for me it was a learning experience, and an opportunity to find humanity among people with different views. I hope for them it was something better than yelling and labeling.

This is why I started the "New National Dialog Project" on Facebook. Because I just feel so terribly sad that people choose to hate each other just because we disagree, and that some of us must fall so low as to call each other names, make up lies and sow the seeds of fear and violence instead of understanding and unity.

WE CAN DO BETTER.

With leadership and dedication, we can end these culture wars and learn to speak to each other again. I believe this to be true, if we work together, learn to listen and have the courage to share.

Am I still anxious about the election? Hell yes! But I'm even more anxious about the future of our nation and our world.

Comments

[SusaninIN]

I have been feeling that extreme sadness as well. It is difficult when people you know and respect start saying hateful things about someone you support and admire. When friends start saying such things as 'Osama Bin Obama' and calling Obama and Biden 'evil' and 'racist' it only changes my view of them. Hatred affects the hater not the person being hated.

[Willow712]

What bothers me is the anger and the divisiveness. People are ready to yell, but they won't listen. Everyone around me expects me to listen to them yell their talking points, but they will not listen to mine and I am trying to be respectful. I have been through many elections, but in this one, the division is so wide and everybody is angry and defensive. whatever happened to the "my esteemed opponent", and respectful debate? we have lost the basic respect that we used to have. Call me old fashioned, but basic courtesy in this election, basic honesty is gone. More so on the right, but also some on the left. I don't think we're going to get back to any form of normal after Nov. 4th.

[Rusel deMaria - Huffpost Blogger]

Willow, there are some ways to deal with this kind of divisiveness. I won't go into all the details, though I did write some suggestions on my Facebook group discussion page. But basically, let people yell, express themselves until they've said everything they can think of. Wait until they are finished. Keep your cool. Then repeat to them what they said, in your own words. Like, "What I understood you to be telling me is..." You can speak a little louder than usual to match their tone, not yelling or angry - just matching a little bit. Then, if they agree that you got their point - remember, you don't have to agree, just show you understand what they are saying - then see if they seem ready to listen. If you think they will - and often they will be open once you demonstrate that you heard them - then tell them how you see it. Use first-person "I" words as much as possible. "As I understand it..." Or, "I read something about that. It said..."

The other good thing to keep in mind is a sense of genuine curiosity. Don't go in trying to change their minds. Go in wanting to know what they think and why they think it.

Anyway, these are some things that work for me. Remember, changing people's minds isn't possible, but that they can change their own minds. Sometimes the effect of your communication will come later, after the conversation is long over.

[sarchasm]

Thank you for eloquently expressing what I'm feeling and providing this fundamental solution. It's beauty lies in it's simplicity IMHO.

[ViChi]

Thank you for this article. If it weren't for my Tai Chi practice, I think I would have lost my head by now... It's helpful that I can remember to breathe...

I also appreciate the encouragement to take courage in talking with folks. I tend to hang back and listen and then judge quietly without sharing my opinion in fear of being lashed out at and being shut down by talking points, much like the first part of your conversation sounded like... I would have just walked away. It's inspiring that you hung in there and kept the dialog going and went beyond the name calling into being human.

Keep it up.

[marytny]

Another great article. I look forward to the interesrting conversations we will
have starting Nov. 5th. Until then, I'll continue with my nervous breakdown.....

Mary

[Dave Govan]

National Dialog Project is a great cause. It will help us move to a place where we are comfortable listening to alternative view points and allow a person to express their views before being labeled or shouted down. We also need to move from being Anti - XYZ to being Pro - XYZ. Doing so will allow us to encourage independent thought and creative ideas to attack the long list of issues we face. We need to stop hate mongers from polarizing our country. If we don't work together to become more tolerant as a society we're in trouble. When all we have is finger pointing and rhetoric we lose site of holding our elected officials accountable for their actions and how they are spending our tax dollars.