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The Top Ten "Stupid Stoner Stories" of 2011

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We continue our 2011 Year-End Retrospective with a look at The Top Ten "Stupid Stoner Stories" of 2011.  (Yesterday we looked at The Top Ten Cannabis Science Stories of 2011 and we began on Tuesday with The Top Ten "Reefer Madness" Stories of 2011.  We end tomorrow with The Top Ten People in Marijuana of 2011.)  It's a segment I've done for years now and it still bothers some people.  I always remind listeners that "smoking marijuana does not make one stupid; however, some stupid people do smoke marijuana".  The point is to learn from the misfortune of others and to teach valuable lessons to the audience (like not wrapping your weed in aluminum foil to take through the airport, or speeding at 3am while smoking blunts in a car with expired tags and no insurance, and so on.)

Stupid exists in all sectors of society.  I want to make clear that the vast majority of cannabis consumers are not these people, any more than most everyone is not a Darwin Award winner.  In many of these stories, the stupid is someone simply wanting police help and wouldn't even merit a ticket if pot weren't illegal... so don't forget that the biggest stupid is prohibiting adult use of marijuana in the first place.

The Top Ten "Stupid Stoner Stories" of 2011

10. Man's dog throws out hash stash for cops

It's almost unfair of me to classify poor Joel Dobrin as "stupid" for this story.  Except that I always counsel tokers to store their weed in the trunk when they're on the road, which might have prevented this unfortunate traffic stop.

(The Dalles Chronicle) Joel Dobrin, 32, of San Diego, Calif., ...was stopped at around 11 a.m. Feb. 9. Sherman County [Oregon] Sgt. John Terrel, while pulling Dobrin over on a routine traffic stop, reportedly spotted a sock being thrown from Dobrin's 1998 GMC pickup. According to a sheriff's office report, the traffic stop yielded some marijuana and hashish.

During the traffic stop Dobrin explained that when Terrel was stopping him, Dobrin attempted to stash his controlled substance. While doing this, Dobrin's large dog grabbed the sock the controlled substance was stored in and began playing tug-a-war with the drug laden sock. Dobrin and the dog struggled for the sock, but the dog won and ultimately tossed the sock full of drugs out the window. Found in the sock was a user amount of marijuana and some hashish.

9. Note to marijuana smugglers: Make sure your trailer tags are current!

If I had an ounce for every time I've read a story about someone getting busted with weed because they were driving a car with expired tags (or a busted taillight, or were speeding), I could replace the weed that was seized in this traffic stop.  Is there not enough profit in smuggling to afford registration renewals?

(Brownsville Herald) An expired license plate caught the attention of a Cameron County sheriff's deputy, who ended up making one of the largest drug busts so far this year for the sheriff's department.

The deputy pulled over a tractor-trailer rig Saturday evening on Expressway 77 near Combes. During the routine traffic stop, authorities found 3,103 pounds of marijuana hidden under loads of papayas, Sheriff Omar Lucio said Monday.

The marijuana has an estimated street value of $2.5 million.

8. Locksmiths don't check warrants or care about your marijuana... but cops do!

Trust me. My brother was a locksmith. They aren't interested in your "failure to appear" bench warrants and your nickle bag of weed. When you lock your keys in the car, locksmiths are more worried you will freak out at the cost of your careless mistake.

A North Charleston woman called police for help but ended up in jail after being arrested for failure to appear in court and marijuana possession last week.

North Charleston police say 20-year-old Clarissa Johnson called them on Thursday afternoon at 5:20 p.m. after locking her keys in her car in the 3300 block of Goldenrod Road.

When police arrived to help, they discovered that the woman had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in court.  After arresting Johnson, police then discovered that she was carrying 1.5 grams of marijuana.

7. Man fails drug test for cocaine, offers pot bribe to test taker to ignore it

Perhaps this is better classified as a "Crazy Cokehead" story...

(Orlando Sentinel) A Deltona man who failed a drug test at a pain-management clinic Thursday tried to bribe a medical assistant with marijuana to keep his cocaine-positive test results under wraps, authorities said.

Jeffrey Hoydic, 40, was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to sell after the Central Florida Pain Management clinic in DeBary contacted the Volusia County Sheriff's Office about his alleged pot bribe, reports show.

At the clinic, Hoydic was told he tested positive for cocaine and had failed his drug test. After he was told he wasn't allowed to take any drugs other than what was prescribed to him by the clinic, he allegedly asked the female medical assistant if she smoked and he pulled out five bags, each with a small amount of marijuana.

6. Don't call 911, trust NORML: Growing pot will get you busted

I am just stunned that this guy didn't get the memo that growing pot is illegal.  Just so none of you feel the urge to call 911 for grow crime information...

Connecticut Marijuana Laws:  Growing one marijuana plant = Felony, 7 years prison, $25,000 fine.

Federal Marijuana Laws: Growing one marijuana plant = Felony, 5 years prison, $250,000 fine.

(MSNBC) FARMINGTON, Conn. -- Police say a Connecticut man called 911 to ask a dispatcher how much trouble he could get into by growing one marijuana plant, then was arrested.

Officers went to [Robert] Michelson's house and seized a small amount of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Michelson has admitted he bought seeds and equipment for growing.

5. Dad Tells Cops 14-Year-Old Stole Weed From His Son

The "stupid stoners" that bother me the most are the parents who involve their kids with marijuana.  It is the worst possible portrayal of our community and "What About the Children?!?" is one of the few powerful propaganda messages that prohibitionists have left.  So remember, this only exists because marijuana is illegal (and therefore insanely profitable) and not bought and sold in regulated stores that check ID.

(The Arizona Republic) An Arizona man was arrested after he told police a 14-year-old neighbor took $400 worth of marijuana from his 16-year-old son and refused to pay for it.

Police in Surprise, Arizona (yes, that's really the name of the place) found Sean Corwin, 35, beating on the front door of a residence, reports Taylor Hill at The Arizona Republic. He told the cops that an occupant of the home had taken marijuana from his son, according to Sgt. Mark Ortega.

Police said they suspected Corwin had used his son to sell marijuana to the 14-year-old at a nearby park. Cops believe the 14-year-old boy grabbed the cannabis and ran home without paying, leading Corwin to drive to the home to demand payment.

Police found marijuana at the 14-year-old's home, as well as two more bags of pot at Corwin's home on West Central Street, Ortega said.

4. Parents arrested for video of 2-year-old smoking marijuana

Remember that this time of year, parents all across North America will consume beer and wine and spirits, often leaving their bottles and glasses in easy reach of the children.  Many pictures will be taken and videos will be filmed - and you won't read any headlines about those parents going to court.

(Digital Journal) Hesperia - A California couple were arrested after San Bernadino County Sheriff's department received a tip from an individual who had a video of the parents allegedly allowing their 23-month-old child to smoke from a marijuana pipe.

"(The video) depicts the child placing the (pipe) up to his mouth and he sucks on it, pulls it away, sucks on it, pulls it way. And it's done about three times," said Deputy Lisa Guerra of the Hesperia station. "And the pipe does have some marijuana residue in it," according to the Victorville Daily Press.

Sheriff's Department Deputy Lisa Guerra, of the Hesperia division, received a tip Saturday that 20-year-old Melanie Soliz and 24-year-old Blake James Hightower were abusive to their child and had given the toddler marijuana. The police were able to confirm the allegations that the child was indeed smoking what appeared to be drug pipe after viewing the video and were then able to locate the pipe after a search of the residence, reports the Daily Press.

I'm having difficulty pinning the stupid in this story - do I mock the stupid that leads a young couple to get their 2-year-old a pipeful of pot to smoke or do I mock the stupid that leads them to video record it or do I mock the stupid that has them giving this video recording to a third party who narcs them out?  It's like a triple scoop of stupid on this sundae.

3. Wandering toddler on road with bag of weed gets national coverage

LOCH SHELDRAKE, N.Y. -- Authorities have charged a 30-year-old New York woman with endangering the welfare of a child after police say her toddler wandered into an upstate road clutching a bag of marijuana.

Police in the Sullivan County hamlet of Loch Sheldrake say Lakeisha Owens was sleeping in her apartment around 5 p.m. Saturday when her 3-year-old daughter was nearly struck by a motorist on Route 52.

Officials say the motorist pulled over, removed the child from the road and called police. Authorities say the child was holding a bag containing 15 grams of marijuana.

Now, if this were just a toddler-wanders-into-road story, it would just be local Hudson Valley news.  It's the bag of weed that spreads the story across the country, the implication being that here's a no-good slacker stoner mom who can't take care of her kids.  Certainly, leaving the half-ounce bag within reach of the child while you're napping isn't the most responsible act.  But we are talking about a toddler; it's not as if there's any danger of the kid whipping out some Zig Zags and twisting up a spliff. The danger to the kid was in wandering unsupervised on the road.  The kid could have been carrying a bag of potato chips and it would have been just as germane to the story.

2. Rhode Island lawmaker who ripped pot smokers busted for marijuana possession

Rep. Robert Watson, the leader of the Rhode Island House Republicans, drew fire in February when in the General Assembly he said, "I suppose if you're a gay man from Guatemala who gambles and smokes pot, you probably think that we're onto some good ideas here." Watson refused demands to apologize.  Karma's a bitch, dude.

nydailynews Republican House Minority Leader Robert Watson was arrested in East Haven, Conn., on Friday at a police checkpoint and was also charged with driving under the influence.

"Trace evidence of marijuana was discovered and I was charged with operating under the influence, a charge I vehemently deny," Watson told the Providence Journal.

The 50-year-old smelled like alcohol and pot, he slurred his words, and his eyes "were extremely glassy and bloodshot," according to the police report. Authorities found a "small plastic sandwich bag containing a green leafy plantlike substance and a small wooden marijuana pipe."

His blood-alcohol level was 0.05%, which is below the state's 0.08 limit.

1. Hotel explosion exposes danger of solvent-based marijuana hashish extraction

Butane hash oil, or BHO, is made through a process of forcing liquid butane through a tube filled with cannabis.  The butane strips the cannabinoids and oils from the plant material, where it collects in a container.  The butane evaporates away and the remaining oil is a very potent, very profitable, easily smuggled preparation of hashish.

Unfortunately, it is not always trained professionals following common-sense safety procedures who are making this BHO.  Sometimes it is a "stupid stoner" who doesn't understand evaporated butane is a heavier-than-air gas that pools on the floor near pilot lights, switches, and electric heaters.

NEWBERG, OR (KPTV) - Police said a man suffered severe burns early Thursday morning in an explosion involving drugs inside a Newberg hotel room.

Investigators said Newberg-Dundee police officers were called before 3 a.m. to the Best Western Newberg Inn at 2211 Portland Road.

Police said officers found 29-year-old Christopher Thomas Heidt, of McMinnville, inside the hotel with serious burns. Heidt told authorities he was cooking hashish in the room just before the explosion, officers say.

The force of the explosion blew out the windows of at least one hotel room.

Andrea Marie Goe, 26, of McMinnville, and a 2-year-old girl were sleeping inside the room at the time of the blast, investigators said.

Cross-posted from The NORML Stash Blog