New Phone 'Apps' Make it Easier for Pols to Stray

The Sanford case shines a spotlight on the central paradox of marriage.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford not only played fast and loose with the institution of marriage, but with email. However, help keeping affairs secret has arrived not only for politicians, but all of us. AshleyMadison.com just released apps for mobile phones and the Blackberry. Jeremy Caplan reports for Time that because they're "loaded up from phones' browsers, they leave no electronic trail."

For those unfamiliar with it, AshleyMadison is a matchmaking service for married individuals. That's right: It facilitates affairs. To summarize the statement of a woman Caplan quotes who consults in the online dating field, AshleyMadison is infidelity "rebranded" and made "monetizable." Though Ashley Madison has signed up over one million users since going online in 2001, she seems concerned that it harms the online dating business for singles.

As has been noted, the Sanford case is unlike other Republican sex scandals. It's devoid of sex with prostitutes (to which prominent Democrats, like Eliot Spitzer, are also prone), drooling over congressional pages, soliciting sex in a public rest room, or pursuing an aide's wife. Sanford was simply a man who fell in love with another woman who wasn't much younger than he.

As the spiritual counselor to the Sanfords and their circle, Warren Culbertson, said in a Huffington Post article:

'The only thing holding his friends' marriage together right now is "their vow to God... Because it's not feelings -- it's not emotions... For most Christians, at some point in your marriage, if you're married long enough, you do it because that's what we're called to do -- out of obedience instead of out of passion."'

You can almost hear the strains of a psaltery in the background. Apparently Sanford, despite his faith (not fundamentalist, actually, but Episcopal), was unable to adhere to a view of marriage as starkly medieval as Culbertson's.

It's not just religious principles, but romantic ideals about marriage -- however strange bedfellows -- that are stern taskmasters. Entering marriage, neither the man nor the woman typically understands each other's sexuality. (Thus strengthening the case for gay marriage.)

Male needs are cyclic, like hunger or urination. Women, on the other hand, tend to be episodic. Not only doesn't religion and romance acknowledge the problem this might pose, they make no provisions for when a partner (the aged aside) spurns sex entirely.

Causes most commonly cited include stress and fatigue. Compounding those, the partner suffering from one or both of those symptoms -- at the risk of gender-typing, usually the wife -- may resent the other for helping to cause them by not holding up his or her end of the chores or child-rearing.

Other reasons include -- today especially -- loss of self-respect if one loses job and, of course, weight gain. The husband blows up and turns off the wife or she packs on the pounds and no longer feels attractive.

Divorce may not be an alternative because resuming the solo life, especially with kids, isn't feasible for most in today's economy. Also, the person denied sex may still care deeply for his or her spouse.

Nevertheless, a life without physical intimacy is unthinkable for many. Is an affair the answer? Even if not sniffed out by the spouse, it may end the marriage. The unfaithful spouse may, a la Sanford, link up with the fabled "soul mate," which seems to make abandoning one's family understandable in the eyes of God. (Funny how those soul-mate sensations have a way of fading once the cheating spouse divorces and then marries his or her paramour.)

On the other hand, as hollow as married life becomes without intimacy, in lying and deception lay the path to true misery. Of course, like Sanford, the cheater can admit to the affair on the theory that confession is good for the soul. It's just that any benefit that might accrue to the sinner comes at the expense of the one sinned against.

We invite our readers to respond to the following questions in the comments section:

• Is cheating a viable alternative to a sexless marriage?
• Do "emotional affairs" (which stop short of sex) help or make the situation worse?
• What's the best way for the partner denied sex to deal with lack of physical intimacy in a marriage?

Comments

[EC007]

1. I don't think people should cast dispersions on Hillary and now Jenny for staying with their men. None of us knows what it is like in their relationship- this is what I always say to my friends. If someone cheated on me, I would leave them in a second but I would not judge another for loyalty. Sometimes loyalty can make one appear to be a pathetic dog, but I'd rather be loyal than selfish any day.
2. Gay marriage should be legal. I don't care if you're religious, we are not debating whether or not to have our government force your religion to accept gay marriage, we are debating over the rights two individuals have to bind themselves under the law.
3. Anyone who promotes infidelity or profits from it should stop- e.g. Ashleymadison.com.
4. Russ wrote: Divorce may not be an alternative because resuming the solo life, especially with kids, isn't feasible for most in today's economy. Also, the person denied sex may still care deeply for his or her spouse.
You are patently wrong, here my friend. Divorce IS THE ALTERNATIVE. If you are about to commit adultery, the answer - and the only correct decision - is to get divorced. The fact that you have kids together is no excuse. If you are too tied to leave, then you must live in your prison... But, you cannot choose to spend your days in jail and your nights at the casino.

[KPG]

They can't all be men signed up for Ashley Madison, so there must be a comparable number of married women who are unhappy with their sex lives. Perhaps their husbands have gained weight and are no longer attractive, or perhaps these wives like sex on a cyclical basis while their husbands are episodic.

Since Jenny Sanford's husband is obviously no longer satisfying her physical and emotional needs, should she go to Argentina to find a Latin lover?

Or, because she is a decent and thoughtful human being (unlike her husband), should she first try to make her marriage work? If it doesn't, she can get a divorce and find a man who will love and respect her and be a good father to her sons.

[FlexSF]

The religious republican ideal of marriage is beyond pathetic. First, they've excluded loving gay couples from marrying because it weakens "the institute of marriage." They haven't explained to anyone what the hell that is. Now, they're saying that the fortunate few who are entitled to be married should commit to each other regardless of how the feel for each other. Mark Sanford is deeply in love with another woman, and his wife with zero self esteem, wants to continue their marriage? This raises many questions, and the religious right's silence is deafening.

They will form a 100,000 person protest if marriage equality is legalized, but when one of their own behaves in a manner that is a 180 degree turn opposite of what they espouse, they don't give a damn, and don't say anything.

Do they have any idea how negatively they have impacted our private lives, gay people, while they say, and do, whatever the hell they want?

I'm disgusted!