If nothing else, these recent columns on complaining your way through life, our increasingly intolerant behaviors toward one another, and the growing penchant toward becoming a nation of victims have underscored how deeply divided we are on basic levels of compassion as well as how entrenched our mindset has become that any argument of any kind must be couched in terms of political persuasions.
Some commenters chose to label the most recent article on victims as something attacking the liberal side of the political equation. Some thought I was against health care!
And how about this dismissive response to Mitchell, the fellow who was burned over 65 percent of his body and then wound up paralyzed after having recovered from the first tragedy?
This is a ridiculous. The author is comparing different things and leaving out all the details. While I agree moping around and whining is a not constructive. Comparing W. Mitchell to people swindled by Wall Street is totally bogus. I might be making wrong assumptions, but I'm guessing 2 things about Mr. Mitchell. One he was a bit of an adrenaline junky, two as an ex marine he had good health insurance. Without good health care a burnt paralyzed man is going nowhere no matter how positive he is. Also while I don't know all the details here, if you do dangerous things like motorcycling and flying in a sport plane you're risking accidents. It's easy not to blame anyone if it wasn't anyone else's fault. - bob225
You gotta wonder what some people are thinking about - not sure how bob225 made the leap to comparing Wall Street to Mitchell, but there you go. Just for the record, Mitchell was run over by a person in a car who ran a red light. I'm not entirely sure if bob225 wants to think Mitchell was a victim or at fault or none of the above. But quite clearly, bob225 did seem to miss the point entirely about the difference between what happens to you and how you respond to it.
The real point of the story has less to do with what might have happened to you and much more to do with how you responded to it. Self-imposed victimization is the real focus here.
Self-imposed victimization begins after the circumstances and represent the response someone chooses going forward. Sure, grieving, anger, blame, depression and a host of other emotions understandably go with the turf when something tragic befalls you.
Self-imposed victimization, begins after the fact, when you continue to blame or bemoan the circumstances and therefore give up doing what you can to improve. There are alternatives to adding to the victimization experience.
Here's one example from skatoolaki:
This also has a very personal resonance with me. Years ago I was rendered partially disabled after a botched surgery. For two years afterward, I was mired in depression and grieving the life I had lost, the things I could no longer do, etc.One day I realized that I simply had to change my perspective! Instead of mourning for what I'd lost, I rejoiced in the things I still had. Instead of bemoaning what I could no longer do, I was grateful for the things I could still do.
This simple shift in perception changed my entire life. I was able to focus on positive things instead of negative ones, and was able to get back some of my lost mobility. I will never get around like everyone else, I will always have a pronounced limp and need a cane to aid my walking (and a walker and/or wheelchair for longer walks, like around my beloved New Orleans), and I will live in pain every day for the rest of my life - but I am grateful, still, for what I can still do and for what I have. I have learned not to ever take anything for granted and it has helped me to become a more compassionate and empathetic person to the suffering of others.
Nothing could be as simple (though not easy!) as changing your outlook and working from a place of thankfulness rather than regret, from one of hope rather than despair. It is not at all easy, but the concept is quite simple - and it will change your life for the better. Take responsibility for your own life, fate, destiny, etc. and *make life work for you* - do no let it it bow you over and have its way with you, fight back and play the best hand you can with the cards you are dealt. Namaste - skatoolaki
"Everything that has ever happened to me, happened to who I was then. Not who I am now. "
And then Kelly wrote an email to me with one of the most profound pieces of understanding and self awareness I have experienced in this whole exchange:
We've all had crappy things happen to us: losing jobs, partners, loved ones, pets, possessions. Some of us have had horrible things done to us: assaults, robberies, frauds. Most seem to stop at that moment and never move forward again. They identify as this thing that happened to them and never get over it.I was laid off a year ago and my unemployment benefits ran out 4 months ago. I suffered from depression and thoughts of suicide for years. I have been raped on three separate occasions, the last by a group of 5 men. My dog died of smoke inhalation from a fire that destroyed my apartment three years ago. I am the most content person I know.
Everything that has ever happened to me, happened to who I was then. Not who I am now. I'm not denying anything or avoiding anything. I grieved, I raged, I cried, I moaned, I complained, I broke things, I hid in my bedroom and allowed myself to do what I needed to, to go through what I needed to get over it. Sometimes it took a few days, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes a few months to get over what had happened. I've never forgotten any of the things that have happened, but I don't wallow in them. I don't wear them like a badge or like armor. - Kelly
My question for you: what do you do when something happens to you? What kind of response have you found most helpful? What would you counsel others to consider?
Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email and let me know how this strikes you.
Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com
Follow Russell Bishop on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_Bishop
I notice I am happiest when I feel in control. The way to feel in control is to 1) keep your mind quiet, steady and firm*, 2) take action- don't allow yourself to be a victim, 3) feel grateful for what is working in your life, your gifts, 4) notice and help others as a way to distract yourself, if nothing else.
*when the mind gets overly negative, re-direct it immediately back to neutral or hope.
Not all pain is equal: Some feel the pain more, especially women. We have all these nurturing hormones, are conditioned from birth to help others, feel their pain, so my pain is further compounded by other's crises. This often takes me to the breaking point, but somehow by doing all of the above I pull back from the abyss.....I just can't not help, even in my position.
Also what is helping me survive is my upbringing by strong, loving disciplined parents. And great health due to many years of exercise, good eating habits, an abundance of sleep.
What example are you setting?
Learning that doesn't produce habit is a waste of time. Habit that does not resist learning is failing in its function of continuity and efficiency. - Stewart Brand
justonequestionaday.com
A great quote I have had on my desk for years:
"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger." ~Nietzsche
I think that is true. I also have found that Joy and Loving are qualities we can always reach for and bring present for ourselves-- sometimes just by sharing/giving those to others-- even in the darkest situations.
"We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.” ~Campbell
And I would add that we can also choose to live in Loving.
It's a stoic call of endurance from helpless captives. That's fine, if it's all you can do. It makes them feel more in control, precisely when they aren't.
But when "self-help" psycho babble is used by the privileged and the powerful to demonize welfare mothers and stranded diabetics in New Orleans--and they are--it's not designed to lift them up, but to abandon them. Saying that government, law, society won't help them, or give them justice. Just suck it up losers.
When AIG and Goldman Sacks and Larry Summers and Alan Greenspan and little George Bush (whose failures brought him endless bailouts) are told to suck it up, instead of rescued by the unwashed masses, then you can tell me to get a "better attitude."
Until then, gimme justice.
Vlad III would've loved you.
So many events have repercussions in our lives that we don't understand or foresee...until they start turning up . Post traumatic stress is an example. So much is out of the reach of the conscious mind and can rear its ugly head with the right triggers.
Lately I marvel that more folks don't loose their minds and wind up in a mental hospital or jump off bridges. The suffering around us is extensive.I notice what I call the "husk people"- dried up, no sparkle or joy...too many and of course mainly older but I've seen some that are younger (substance abuse)....
Lately I also marvel at all the flowers finally blooming in my garden..it's like a great symphony each spring and the notes are never quite the same.Just paying attention to beauty is survival....actually it helps me thrive.
Military training is intended to overcome some of deeply embedded human characteristics so that a soldier can kill other humans on command. Some people can continue to have a normal life after this training, but many cannot -- that is why there are so many homeless veterans. Thus, attempts to 'improve' people through various training can be destructive.
If something good "happens" to me I perform the same inner examination. When I discover my contribution I have the recipe to create the same, or similar, experience over and over again!
I would - and do - counsel others to continue to reach for new perspective until they find the one that empowers rather than victimizes.
The only reason something bad can ever happen to you is because you had a role in it!?
I cannot believe your lack of intellectual depth; there are THOUSANDS of counter-examples.
So I suppose a woman has a role to play in being raped? Or a child has a role to play in being sentenced as an adult and put in adult jails because of merciless and arbitrary laws? Or maybe it's the senior citizen's fault if his children use legal trickery to rob him of his money?
You are patting yourself on the back in self-congratulation, and then you're defining everyone ELSE'S problems as if they were your own!
That's not inspiring, that's narcissism! Your idea that everyone is ultimately responsible for every single cruelty that ever happens to them is not consistent with the way things really are.
Think about it, for goodness sake! If I stab a man in the back so I can take his wallet, did he have a role to play in shaping his own suffering? Think about it!
If you run out of gas, the only solution is a tank of gas, regardless of all the positive thinking in the world. Maybe a cab could come by or a bus or a kind offer from a ride of a stranger, but end of day, you'll still need to return to get a tank of gas.
A pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts the sails. -an old sailors quote
It would be a brand new day, for sure, if there was no more of that.
slippery slope.
This *could* contain a contradiction. I understand what is meant: that we are meaner and ruder because we are so focused on our own "victimization" that we have no compassion and warmth left for others. However, as others here have said, "nation of victims" is pretty heavily-freighted rhetoric. And "complaining" is not always a waste of time! For example, I'm rather happy that a group of women 100 years ago decided to "whine" about not having the vote rather than to go home and be grateful for their blessings. I.e., valid complaints against injustice can lead to reform.
However, I acknowledge that had those women gone home and sulked in isolation, that would have done me no good either. And when the tragedies are more individual, it is certainly true that the individual must ultimately choose to "move on" or stay stuck. However, there's a fine line here which folks have to be careful about. It's all very well to celebrate your personal recovery from a tragedy, and it's great that you've recovered. But to get there, you had to grieve some - and a "pity party," otherwise known as "consolation"...probably helped then. And when you judge others' grieving and point out that it is somehow "incorrect," you are not really providing anything that can be called encouragement.
I believe it was your earlier post which got me thinking!
And to be clearer about the contradiction in the quote, there can be a profound lack of compassion in telling someone else to stop feeling sorry for him- or herself. This can drive a clinically depressed person over the edge from which there is no return. Console and encourage: "Yes, that was terrible and it was unfair. Things will get better for you, but it will take time. You'll be OK."
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Thing is that isn't always true...we don't all land on our feet.
how simple the internet is.
how.. we are our worst enemy's.
Excellent article.
Because of my life experiences I am able to be compassionate when someone comes to me and tells me about an experience that is similiar to ones I have had. Just tonight a client telephoned me to say she was in an addiction clinic, her marriage just broke up after 30 years and she is raw with grief.
We always have a choice to sink or swim.