Lessons In The Keys Of Life: 5 Tips On How To Choose When The Road Forks

In previous posts, we have covered the importance of having a clear Desired Outcome and how Awareness is one of your tools to gauge how you are doing. But how do you actually get to the Desired Outcome?

It's all about Choice. Now this may sound way too simple, but as I have mentioned before, simple isn't the same as easy. Choice is not only about what you choose, but how you go about choosing and equally important what you don't choose. Choice is where Awareness and Desired Outcome begin to come together.

You may remember in an earlier post we talked about the notion of "if you don't know where you are going, any road will do." What happens when you do have a good idea about where you are heading and you come to that fork in the road? How do you choose which fork to take? The trite answer is that you choose the fork most likely to get you to your Desired Outcome. Makes sense, doesn't it?

This is where the simple becomes more complex. What options do you have? How do you know which choice will take you closer to your Desired Outcome? How do know which ones will lead you astray? How do you assess your options? What criteria do you use? There are many levels to this, and we are going to address them in increasing depth over the next few weeks.

The first key element we need to examine is that of Responsibility.

For most of us, the word responsibility conjures up images of blame or fault. For others, it is more about duty and obligation. In our usage, we will follow the lead set by Fritz Perls as spelled out in his super little book, Gestalt Therapy Verbatim. Fritz defined responsibility by creating a new spelling for the word: response ability. With this change in spelling, the word takes on a whole new meaning; it becomes less about blame and fault and more about having the ability to respond.

Step 1: Notice when the road forks

As you navigate the road toward your Desired Outcome, you will undoubtedly find forks in the road. At any given fork in the road, you will find yourself with different responses (choices) along with different levels of ability or capability to exercise those responses.

Sometimes the challenge is simply noticing (becoming Aware of) the available options or choices; other times, the issue is more about denying that a choice or response is available.

Failing to perceive an available option or denying that any are available both tend to wind up in the same unsatisfactory end result - feeling stuck, trapped and at a dead end Both are extremely ineffective and eventually sap us of our strength, creativity and sense of ability.

We'll look at the choice or response side of response-ability in a later post; for now, let's examine the ability side of the equation.

Step 2: Getting clear on the options you have and where they will take you.

There may be a handful of options in front of you, any of which might get you where you are going. Start by assembling as complete a list as you can of all the options that are available to you. Write them down if you have to, especially if this is a big decision. Now examine each fork in the road, and make your best guesstimate about where it will take you and which one seems most likely to get you to your Desired Outcome.

Don't worry about getting it perfectly right, just about being directionally correct. If things don't work perfectly, you can always return to the fork and make a new choice. Or perhaps make other choices downstream.

Step 3: Evaluate your ability to make those different options work

Now that you are aware of choices that are available, the next step is to assess your ability to exercise any particular option. If you don't do an honest self-assessment, you may wind up ill-equipped to handle what lies ahead.

A key question to ask when faced with different choices: "what is my current ability to exercise each of the options?" The answer can range anywhere from "of course I can" to "not even close."

Pretending to have capability when skill, experience, or ability is lacking can get you into big trouble. Imagine pretending you can fly and exercising the choice to fly off the roof top. Ouch! Whether it is the fanciful notion of jumping off a building to fly, or getting into a cockpit without actual flight training, it is pretty easy to see how much trouble you could create for yourself or others by pretending to have an ability not actually held.

Equally troubling can be the denial of ability. Often heard as the complaint of "I can't," denying ability to exercise a response can be extremely limiting and self-defeating. The tricky part of "I can't" is that it is sometimes pretty close to the truth.

If we are talking about flying from rooftops, most of us will have to acknowledge the truth of the matter and go with "I don't have the ability to fly unaided." If the choice is about flying an airplane, the current truth might be that I am not presently qualified to fly the plane, (although I could be if properly trained).

When I tell myself that "I can't," what I am really saying is that I do not have the ability to exercise the choice. At a deeper level, I could be saying that I am filled with self-doubt, perhaps accompanied by a fear of failing. Not being able to flap wings I don't have and fly from rooftops is pretty much true; not being able to fly an airplane is something that might be changed through another set of choices.

It is very disempowering to claim a lack of ability through the "I can't" approach to choice. Henry Ford used to say something like: "it does not matter whether you believe you can, or cannot do a thing, you are probably right." The underlying notion: if you believe you can do something, you will actually work at it; if you believe you can't, you probably won't even try. Of course, if you don't try, it's pretty hard to produce any change at all, much less progress down your path to your Desired Outcome.

Step 4: Determine which option best lines up with your Desired Outcome

You may have to ask yourself if you are better off getting additional training or choosing a different option. Sometimes it will be worth the effort and possible delay to get additional training, coaching or support to develop the capability necessary to exercise your preferred option. Other times, you may choose to exercise a less "perfect" option because of timing issues, budget issues, or other factors. The key question has to do with how likely is the option to get me where I am heading, both in terms of substantive outcome and quality of experience. There are no "wrong" answers here - just preferences coupled with likelihood of success.

Step 5: Pick one and notice what happens

Once you have elected a path, just keep noticing what shows up along the way (Awareness). Do you seem to be "on course?" Are you on a detour, or is the road just bending along the way? Is it really working in terms of your criteria of success? If you find that you are on a detour, dead end, or it isn't working the way you had hoped, you can always stop, reassess, and make a different choice.

Next week we will dig ever deeper into the process of choosing.

You can find out more about Russell Bishop at www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com

Contact Russell at: [e-mail]

The author of Lessons in the Key of Life, Russell is a professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. His intent is to assist you in becoming a more powerful creator of your own life experience, producing more of the results you truly want.

Comments

[OldKnute]

OK,, now may we start again?

Ability to respond?

Humm? As in Blind, Crippled, Educated, Home Schooled, Rich Poor, Free or Slave, Back, White, Old, Young?

Ok lets make a centrist,,, leap of faith.

33 year old Female, Well Educated, Good Job, 85k annual, 2 bedroom Condo, half paid,, 10 years. Liberal Arts, Masters. Hobbies, Musical instrument, eclectic tastes, Art Minor, and loves to read. Single, well-rounded circle of friends and social outlets. Emotionally stable, but cries at sad, romantic movies. BUT,,,, stuck,, doesn"t know where to go, or what to choose. Life is just not all she hoped it would be.

Let"s call here Betty! Betty Lou,,,,, Yeah.

Step one. ?????

Oh my,,

Back at the Sand Box.

Naaa,,,, tooooo easy.

OK let"s give her a Fork in the road.

Marriage? Marry-up, marry-down, marry of money, marry for love, marry for security, marry for intellectual challenge OR marry a dependable but boring mate,, Or,, Or,,, don"t marry at all.

Yep,, we"re back at the Sand Box.

Not enough information. Know they self.

Self-awareness is everything.

Yep,, Back at the Sand Box.

OK,,, let"s make a choice for her.

Marriage,,, Choice,,, 1, Marry-up,,, 2 marry-down,,,, 3, 4, or 5,,, etc. What will she need to know? That she hadn't learned in the Sand Box.

Next up,,, anyone,, pick one.

I am kinda favoring,, Marry-up with a bit of intellectual challenge.

Then read Russell"s charts and other threads.

Enjoy!

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[OldKnute]

Addendum:

Dear Russell,,

Please know,, I am blind,,, I use a computerized reader,,, nice electronic voice though. I set your reading setting to,,,,, Soft spoken, careful of word, compassionate male.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Old Knute:

thanks for the inSights! And I spelled the word insight as two words, in as in inner and sight as in vision. Clearly you are one with inner vision. Thanks for your thoughtful contributions.

[GrainOSand]

Mr. Bishop,

Victor Frankl said that the people in the Nazi concentration camps who lost hope were the ones that (if they lived) would have the hardest time in resuscitating any semblance of their former life (or something like that). I always remember that for it serves to explain or put in context what I have witnessed first hand. I grew up where hope for a future was kids dreaming without point of reference other than disconnected images on TV because the community provided few examples of what was possible in life. In many of the homes, there were far too few examples of the possibilities of existence beyond poverty, despair, other struggle, a verbal history and physical reminders (violent cops) that they lived in a country that saw them not as human but as less than human. I was fortunate in that within my household lived a person who demanded that all things begin with the idea of love (self and others) and an attitude that you have every right to pursue your dreams. This was not the case for all and thus the ratio of failure to success is skewed towards failure. There are those who lose all their hope or insight that they have any response ability, very early. Is writing off such people the only legitimate posture? I always suggest love because it has greatly assisted me -- Love of life, love of art, love of learning, love of profession, love of another¦

[OldKnute]

Yes, GrainoSand, LOVE IS ALL.

I agree with you. My parentage, Paternal Grandmother, escaped Germany just prior to WWI,, much of my family were lost in the Holocaust. One to survive, a scientist, only to be taken to Russia and disappear into the human wasting of the Gulags. Much has been made of the loss of faith that some holocaust survivors express, that all humanity and love of life had been stripped from their soul. I think we call it,, PTSD now. They were never the same. My experience with survivors of this horror of history, was quite the opposite of that which has been popularized.

They did NOT blame god, but were filed with an intense appreciation of all life. Would stop and pause, long, at tiny things, minor as just a butterfly landing on a flower. Each day would be met with joy and a face filled with love and optimism. The rain was NOT something bad, it was cleansing, the renewal of the earth,they, filling their lungs and savoring every last experience, to the fullest. And a smile,, always the smile. Joy of LIFE!

Such were the care and appreciations of life that I was taught to appreciate. Life and the JOY of life.

And yes,, LOVE,,, even the LOVE of God. And Thanksgiving filled them. Thanksgiving at every day that came. The most tender hands I knew, too softly dry my tears as a child.

Yes,, I vote for LOVE.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[GrainOSand]

OldKnute,

I am appreciative beyond words for the way your message of love transcends space and time to find me here thankful and joyous. Within your comment is an exact description of what has been my attempted approach in living life:

"They did NOT blame god, but were filed with an intense appreciation of all life. Would stop and pause, long, at tiny things, minor as just a butterfly landing on a flower. Each day would be met with joy and a face filled with love and optimism. The rain was NOT something bad, it was cleansing, the renewal of the earth,they, filling their lungs and savoring every last experience, to the fullest. And a smile,, always the smile. Joy of LIFE!"

I say attempted because I am base in my knowledge of most things. Whenever I choose to share my background, I run the risk of being accused of having a victim mentality or it is said that somehow by retelling the facts I am looking for a handout. When I talk about the rough aspects of life, it is to contrast them with the better aspects that I know just as well, and to wonder to myself, and yes, aloud how the gap can be bridged such that suffering ends or is greatly minimized. I am solutions oriented and process driven so I spend a great deal of time thinking, pondering, and considering in a framework of mutual respect, love, and kindness. Thanks for the light.

[lewes17266]

I am reminded now of self-fulfilling prophesy where just thinking a particular thought can have impact if one acts on that thought. If one thinks he is lost, he is lost. Good things can happen if a person believes in himself and has confidence. If you think you can find an answer, you probably will.

I like a story I read to my children about two frogs who fell into a bucket of cream. One frog accepted his fate and did nothing to help himself and drowned. The other frog kicked and jumped until the cream became butter then he jumped out!

[OldKnute]

Hehehehe! What a wonderful story. Oh yes,, and when we find ourselves drowning, far too many see nothing that can be done.

No quality Sand Box time. It was disallowed.

And have you ever noticed? In times of most danger, it is the realist that take center stage, the cynics, that garner the ears and attentions.

Yet, in times of hardship, famine and difficulty, it is always the Dreamers, the Optimists that fair well? Yes,,, like the frog,, to churn the cream into butter. Always kicking, always striving,, always moving forward.



Good Good story.

What a fine gift,,, that story,, thank you.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[lewes17266]

You are welcome. I am glad you liked that frog story, OldKnute. Children's stories are the best. I still check out children's books from the library from time to time.

[fmmcfarren]

Mr. Bishop,
I am really enjoying your posts, and have incorporated much into my life. But I am wondering, how do you "choose" your desired outcome? I understand the exercise you put forth earlier, and am in agreement on focusing on the experience rather than the symbol. But if your desired outcome is "being loved" than a relationship is a necessary "goal". I know what I want to feel and experience, but I am having trouble with the "symbolic" parts, specifically the money/job area.

Thanks

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Great question and one that we will explore in more depth in future posts. For now, here's an interesting notion to consider. Rather than the old question about "do the ends justify the means," could it be that if you truly understand the ends, they become the means? If you are looking for the experience of being loved, perhaps one avenue there is to be loving - not just toward others, but toward yourself as well. How could you experience greater loving of your own self and of others? How would your day-to-day expression be different if you were radiating greater loving? How might you be perceived if your were experiencing greater loving and a deeper connection to who you truly are? I know this isn't much to go on yet (unless, of course, it is!) and so more to come. Thanks for the question.

[norkas]

Honest and very good spritual answer. Everytime you walk and see people you do not know think of love for them all of you are brother and sisters. Make no conditions everyone evolves at there own pace. Make no conditions for your love of yourself and others.

I have learned to love those who have harmed me and cost me years of personal aggreavation and i never have felt better in my life.

Try not getting consumed with judging people with anger but understand we all move in a little different directions. Sending unconditional love to people we are upset with will make you and others around you happier

[fmmcfarren]

interesting answer.. I will be looking forward to your future posts.

Thank you for taking the time to answer me.

[MagisterLudi]

The principle of Wu Wei.

[MagisterLudi]

Sorry for posting an old horse. If at least one reader haven't encountered this poem before, my job is done.

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I"
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks to you, Russell, for helping me choose this fork in the road. You and I have sung in the same choir for a long time. It's good to be reminded there are angels along the path, and you're one of them! Thanks so much for your encouragement and support!

[SevereTireDamage]

When you come to the fork in the road, take it.
--Yogi Berra

[OldKnute]

How to know what you truly want?

Oh Russel. You are great, but you assessments are only based on the Wreckage of human existence. Yes, those are your constituents. I know this. This is your profession, helping them.

The key here is that truly successful and fulfilled people share only few things in common.

Self-Awareness, continual evaluations of perception, acute understanding of Life Principles, a total appreciation of considerations of life, Good, Bad, Joy, Harmony, Vision. Courage, Integrity, Determination.

Not a single one we might hold up, as the Greats of history, had money, fame, success, possessions, at the onset of their lives.

The word,,, Impossible,,, what as a red flag to a bull, for them all.

If it can be dreamed,, then it is possible.

Vision always,, Always,, Always,,, precedes success, as does failure.

NOT PROCESS.

Process is taught by failure, NOT Success.

Learning and understanding,,, Archetype,,, is the road to ALL. success.

With the Archetypes of life firmly in hand there are no Crossroads, only the right Path and the Wrong path.


OK , Look,,, The child that spends hours and hours filling a pots with sand, LEARNS, Volume, Size, Capacity, Ratio, Proportion, Incrimination, Greater than, Less than.

That 3-year old child is doing MATH,,, in concept. Not provided with these experiences,,, they will never understand MATH.

You are focusing on the Kids,,, now adults,,, that never were allowed to Play in the Sand Box.

They haven"t a CLUE!

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[dartagnan]

"If it can be dreamed,, then it is possible."

I am dreaming that I will win the US Open men's singles championship. Know what? It ain't gonna happen.

The simpleton's creed of "you can do whatever you really want to do, you can be whatever you really want to be" has gotten Americans -- and America -- into a whole load o' trouble. Optimism is a good thing in general, but optimism divorced from reality is suicide.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Indeed, a simpleton approach might be to think that dreaming is sufficient. You may have missed the second part of your quote where the emphasis should be on "possible." Dreaming without commitment and requisite action is unlikely to produce much of anything. There also need to be a few doses of reality blended in to the mix. Perhaps you missed Step 3 of the post where I mentioned the necessity of evaluating your ability. Clearly I can dream about flying and if by that I mean stepping off the roof and flying, I probably have a rude fall ahead of me. And, as Henry Ford said, it doesn't matter if you believe you can or cannot, you are probably right. Very few US Open winners got there solely by dreaming and as far as I know, virtually all of them used the dream to encourage themselves to keep working. There's a huge gap between dreaming and doing. What is your true, realistic dream and are you willing to do what it takes to get there?

[OldKnute]

Yes,, Dartagnan

And sighting the preposterous to negate a point of view is not good reasoning.

I am blind,,, SOOOO,,,, going jogging at the Grand Canyon is NOT a wise choice.

How are the difficulties that America now faces relevant to this discussion.

Russell and Judy are describing a system of process that we all may apply, in one for or another. Steps that outline a path that can be taken, ways to see where we are headed and know when a time for decision has come upon us.

Russell and Judy are NOT WRONG!

They have developed this guide through careful research and study. You might check my profile and find I am a HUGE FAN of Russells

I will resubmit however, that Vision is everything, DREAMS proceed all acts, NOTHING exists without FIRST being conceptualized.

If this were not the case,,, we all would be but a BLIND man,,, jogging at the Grand Canyon. The whole POINT of what Russell and Judy share here.

Peace.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[GrainOSand]

How dismissive. If there are those amongst us who are Gods, let them step forth and rid us of affliction and war, and teach us all the methods of successful living and thereby benefit the world. The kids feel pain as do the Masters of the Universe and in pain one can find realities they never knew existed or struggle under circumstance they once thought mastered.

Is the need more to say one knows this or that, than to take what one knows and have it benefit in a way as to provide a service to as many as possible? Is dismissing the state, plight, situation of others the best approach, the best foot forward, concerning relationship to others? Is that not the very essence of how conflict starts?

No doubt, one must be able to visualize the outcome of any endeavor they set out upon, for traveling without a travel plan does not make sense. Who travels to destinations unknown or unplanned on purpose, except the leaf in the wind. Preparation is inclusive of identifying where one aims to go. Preparation is a process and not an instantaneous realization (I think therefore my vision manifests). Steps are involved in accomplishment and they can negatively influence the outcome, if attention is not paid to the quality of the steps taken -- on any given journey. I can visualize being "successful", achieve it by some measure, yet still be found wanting by the steps I took (see John Edwards).

[OldKnute]

Dear GrainOSand. What that I identify Process IS NOT bad thing, in total?

Dismissive?

I just simply do not agree with all that Russell asserts. If he is offering Process, I am fully onboard with him. It is only, we may disagree on principles and pre-suppositions foundational to BOTH our views.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[nastyvirus]

Step 1: Notice when the road forks

Step 2: Get out your map and find an alternate route

Step 3: Stop the car, get out, and check for a flat

Step 4: See that forked road sign? Drive over it

Step 5: Call your wife. She will provide bail money

[plebeianswillrevolt]

Nice planning tool. I'm studying and using it. Thanks for working with us.

[LordMoon]

In order for someone to believe they need improvement they first have to reject themselves.

But that is the probblem already, they have struggled through a lifetime of self rejection imposed on them by others.

You are not they problem, they are. The self improvers.

Self rejection can never work, because as you are now you are already perfect. And once you learn to love yourself the way you are, then your supposed problems will fall away naturally without any effort at all.

[TonyWicher]

Hey, LordMoon! Nice Post! Couldn't put it better myself!

[OldKnute]

Yes, Moony,,,

I totally agree. The Ego is the worst stumbling block to all life.

Ego free,,,, evaluation.

This is a lifetime pursuit. Continual self-evaluation and assessment. This should be the focus of at least a half hour each morning, and a half hour at bed. A true, QUALITY habit of anyone"s existence. Also,, to always test perceptions. What is Success, Goodness, Right-ness, Happiness, as these things are always changing. The Right Path, is never the same at 20 than it is at 80.

What went right today, what went wrong, how can I improve?

Be-damned successes. More often, success teaches little.

Failure or less than perfection outcome, is always the greater teacher. More fruit, to be gathered, more insight, more understanding.

We should,,,,,, Honor Failure,, not FEAR IT.

All the best

Knute Neo-LIB

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Lord! (Hey, I love being able to write that!) Question for you: if a person is already perfect (and please note that not only do I agree, but I have previously written that this whole process is about becoming more of who you already are), then how does one discover that perfection? If you look deeper into what I have been writing, you may discover that all forks in the road lead inward. And what do you discover when you go inward? Hmmmm.

[LordMoon]

Only by not doing. Because doing creates more bondage in the world, more Karma.

It is not a question of doing. It is only a question of being. And being and doing are not the same.