Facebook Friends: Reader Reactions

What makes Facebook such a lightning rod for reaction? My article last week on Facebook Friends unearthed quite an array of responses, from those agreeing, to those who think I am the Luddite's Luddite.

People responded from the UK, various parts of the EU, Australia and all across North America. The responses ranged from civil to vulgar; some were thoughtful arguments, some asked for greater depth, and some were somewhere between ignorant and ill informed.

Even though I wrote that this is just the start of a series, some reacted as though a travesty of justice had taken place. Some are so steeped in the internet world of SMS, texting, and abbreviated messages that an engaged conversation seems impossible.

Last week, I said we would be looking at communication in more depth as the series unfolds. For now, please allow me the latitude to say that communication is one of those massively misunderstood terms, one that can mean anything from the sharing of minor bits of information to one of complex substance and meaning.

Additional context for this series of articles can be found in an earlier post about the difference between what people often pursue in life (Symbols vs. Experience). You may also find my post about communication to be useful.

Some reader perspectives:

Scott from NYC put it most succinctly: The quick answer on Facebook or any social media platform is that they are tools that you can use well, or poorly. The question isn't about Facebook, it's about how people use it and what they hope to experience as a result.

Indeed, as with any tool, Facebook can be used well, and it can misused in many ways as well. A useful and insightful lens through which to view the discussion on Facebook and how people use it might come from the psychologist, Abraham Maslow who wrote: If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see all problems as nails. In a similar but more useful vein, he is also quoted as saying: He that is good with a hammer tends to think everything is a nail.

What is the experience that you are looking for in your FB communications? The more clear you are on the outcome you are seeking, the more skillfully you can choose which hammer to use.

From the several hundred comments and email messages I have received, it would appear that some of the most popular ways people use Facebook include:

1. Staying in touch with friends in different locations, countries
2. Finding lost friends
3. Exchanging info on interesting new books, movies, shared interests
4. Staying current on contact information
5. Engaging in dialogue around topics such as politics, technology
6. Simple entertainment
7. Advertising and marketing, personal, professional and commercial
8. Information and discussion forum for issues ranging from job search and the economy to healthcare and alternative therapies
9. Posting pictures for purposes as diverse as sharing with friends, personal ego needs, and professional career advancement

Some FB devotees deplore older users while some welcome the vehicle to stay in touch with extended families. Some denounce "the trendies" who came because FB is/was hot and then "keep moving on and are at Twitter right now."

Many said that there really isn't any difference in online communication tools - they're just tools that make simple, perhaps simplistic, communication more readily available. Some wrote that exchanging Facebook messages is preferred because unlike meeting someone in real life, or even talking on the phone, you can more easily get out of a conversation you don't want to continue.

Many noted that long distance relationships are easier to maintain with FB or some other social networking tool, while others thought email was better. In this reference, it would appear that the nail is the same (communicating over a distance), and some people prefer different kinds of hammers.

Some claim Facebook is a distraction and write extensively about how much time they keep wasting diving back to see the latest post about someone's movie choice last night or party tonight. Of course, even if someone is distracting themselves from life, that's not Facebook's fault.

But that's a great issue to examine. If someone complains about how distracting or devoid of meaning they find FB, are they talking more about the tool, or how they are using it?

If you or someone you know seems to be wasting time using FB, becoming continually distracted, or otherwise find the experience less than satisfying, then a better question might be: What need are you trying to fulfill? (Symbols vs. Experience).

Gabe offered some nice insights when he wrote:

Facebook doesn't replace real world interaction for most people. There are at least four ways that it can actually enhance real world interaction:

1. Getting reacquainted with an old friend or finding a new friend in an old acquaintance. For example, a guy I went to high school with ran in very different circles from mine back then and we barely knew each other, but since connecting on Facebook we found we share a similar sense of humor, similar interests, and a similar worldview, and we've spent time hanging out IRL that never would have happened otherwise.

2. Maintaining contact info: There are only so many people I am close enough with to maintain phone numbers and email addresses as people move and whatnot. For the rest, Facebook makes keeping track of contact info so much simpler.

3. Getting the small talk out of the way: One of the things I hate most about parties or other situations where you see people you haven't seen in a while is the ritual of comparing notes on employment, relationship status, recent travels, etc. Facebook takes care of all this, so when you see that person who is a Facebook "friend", you can get right into the real conversation.

4. Stimulating deeper conversation: Some people, myself included, are naturally inclined towards being reserved in novel social situations (read: shy). If you're at a party and you're shy, the chances of getting beyond even the shallowest small talk can be pretty slim. But if you've been emboldened by the exhibitionist format of the Facebook interface, you'll already have revealed things about yourself that invites people's curiosity, and you'll be more likely to have a more interesting, and more intimate, conversation.

Eric wrote:

I've been on and off Facebook a number of times because it's mostly just chit-chat. You have to work at it, just like you have to work at any normal conversation with someone. I've finally come to the conclusion that for long distance relationships, with people I don't see very often, and when I want to draw other people into the conversation, its lots of fun.

For me it's not about the number of friends I have, but the number of friends who actually communicate.

From Matt, a sophomore at a North Carolina university:

Everyone I know around my age has a Facebook account, with more and more of the older generations I know hopping on board - it was shocking at first to be friended by my grandfather. Even the most anti-social and reticent of my friends have Facebook accounts that they maintain.

Facebook allows you to have real time communication with whomever you please, provided they are also online, and browsing the site. But then I realized that even though you can have a "conversation" through Facebook (and I have countless times, sometimes lasting hours), I have found that as you get less and less attached to the person you're talking to, the less any real communication gets through.

When typing you don't have any fluctuations in tone, volume, etc. It's extremely hard to convey happiness, sarcasm, teasing, sadness, etc. just through typing. I've often thought that the invention of emoticons in typing is not just an internet meme that was spontaneously developed by nerds fooling around with keyboards, but actually fills a very real need to convey emotions when it would otherwise be very difficult to do so by any other means. I've also wondered if phones don't do the same thing to us on a more limited level, due to the person on the other end not being able to interpret any facial expressions or body language.

Clearly, there are multiple needs and multiple ways to fulfill those needs. Ultimately, where I am headed with this series is an exploration of what drives the need to communicate in the internet age using internet tools. More importantly, I'm hoping we can explore the difference between the experience of communication and the tools we choose.

As last week, please do post your thoughts here as comments or drop me an email with your thoughts, counterpoints, alternatives or suggestions. My one request is that we try to stay civil in the process.

***

You can find out more about Russell Bishop at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell at: [e-mail]
.
The author of Lessons in the Key of Life, Russell is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California.

Comments

[Halfwit]

I am interested in the differences between an open system like MySpace where non-members can read your blog, view your pics, etc and closed systems like Facebook where if you are not a member you cannot view anything. Do people choose one over the other for that reason, among others?

[hu.man]

This kind of discourse on the new emerging technologies is useful, specially for those who choose to not participate in them like myself. I think Facebook would be well-advised on looking up a consultant like Russell Bishop to help them chart a path into the future. There is always an impending prospect of being side lined and irrelevant in this rapidly transforming technological world.

[AC258]

I will be graduating community college this year and I am really excited. I graduated high school early and have been in stress since the eleventh grade about finishing school as soon as I could. If I can give any one advice I would say to take your time after high school, take some time off if you have to and enjoy everyday as much as you can. I rushed though community college did not get good grades, but I did not really care because I wanted to finish school as quick as possible and move on to my bachelors, that was not a great idea. Now once I am done with community college I will take a long break before I return back to school again. And with this economic crises it will be very difficult to find a job after graduating. It is pointless to rush and not actually learn anything. As stated in the article it is very important to have a clear mind when starting school again. The most important thing is to enjoy the journey and make room for friends and family and never get too many classes because it might be okay in the beginning but when finals roll around it is all ways difficult to keep everything in control. So take your time and have fun!

[MissElaineous]

I have 230 friends and these are the categories:
1. Relatives who post great pix of the babies and share family news.
2. Friends who invite me to things I want to go to and post succinct updates.
3. People I barely know who I have linked to out of courtesy to their spouses who constantly hit me up for money for those whatever-a-thons for the ever burgeoning number of medical charities whose funds go to churches or big pharma.
4. Self-aggrandizing twitterers (now blocked).
5. Narcissists who contantly take quizzes to find out what color/animal/star sign/Trek character they are.
6. Old acquaintances who satisfy my need for schadenfreude whose photos have shown they have not aged very well since their years tormenting me in grade school/high school/college.

[Tilelady]

Miss Elaineous: I haven't been on FB that long, but already have 73 friends divided into similar categories as the ones you describe, but with the following variations.

1. Relatives like yours, (6 grown kids) but including one sister who has been my lifelong bf for 50 yrs who hasn't spoken to or emailed me in 10 mo. because I voted wrong. She also won't comment on my FB posts; she just stays "friends" with me.
2. People I barely know like yours who UNfriend me after awhile because they don't like my politics or because I don't give to their churches, causes, or a-thons.
3. Actual friends who invite me to things I want to go to.
4. Pests who constantly send me "flowers" or "drinks" or "gifts" or send me invitations to play games that pile up that have to be ignored with clicks or dealt with. Unfortunately, these are all real-life friends.
5. The Quiz-Takers in Huge Numbers! I had five of these just this morning, cluttering up my profile page, pushing my great photos from Italy all the way down and out of sight.
6. A big, fun batch of girls from my Catholic grammar school who HAVE aged well. We all sat in the same seats (30 of us) for 7 years and dispersed to different high schools in 1973. I moved to another state. This alone has been more fun than I could ever have imagined.

[Gottasayit]

As an 'older' FB user, I have been delighted to find the people from college, etc. that I've still managed to stay friends with. You know, those people who you might not have talked to in 7 years but when you talk on the phone it seems like you just saw them yesterday. After college people moved to all different parts of the country making it harder to stay in touch. Now with FB it is like having a cup of coffee at the corner cafe, where everyone checks in. Friends from the past are now friends of the present and are once again involved in our daily lives. A yearly Christmas card doesn't quite cut it, nor does a twice a year phone call.
Myspace became overrun with teens and has less boundaries. There are so many sparkling backgrounds it nearly gives me a seizure to try and read their profiles.
Facebook is where my friends live, no matter how many physical miles apart we are.

[kingshmoopy]

We live in Ireland, our family in in the US. My best friend lives in Seattle, we have friends scattered all over the US, in Cameroon, Shanghai, etc. Phone calls aren't an option that can happen everytime I want to communicate because of time differences and expense. E-mails are wonderful but FB offers something different.

I like getting peaks into the daily lives of friends and family because I miss out on their daily lives. My best friend might not shoot me an e-mail to tell me that her little one has a cold but she might put it up as her status and I can tell her I'm sorry, give her and the little one a virtual hug just to let them know I'm thinking of them. I see photos of little ones growing and interesting cultural experiences my friends are having--and share those parts of my life. I would see those photos anyway but this is a simple way to get the job done and we can have a little back-and-forth about them. Yea, some of my FB "friends" are people I never communicate with in a meaningful way because they are not really "friends." But there is a large number of people that are friends and family that I miss a lot. I like feeling a little connection with those people, and being able to share in their daily lives in a way I would not be able to otherwise.

[Shawn Drewry]

Funny that this post is talking about Facebook, because they have disabled my profile 4 times and I'm finally back on with a new profile for the 5th time..LOL

http://www.ShawnDrewry.com

[waitforme]

Russell, I don't know what you mean by 'symbols vs. experience' at all, yet you use it twice. A quick definition would be helpful, each time you post?

I don't use any of these social networking things. I don't understand why to use them, how to use them; and I hear so many things about the waste of time, the compulsivity some get into that it seems almost dangerous. Certainly I understand people finding other people they have lost and getting back in touch. And I understand (after reading all the posts to this point) the different levels of being in touch-ness one can have by twittering­-fbooking-­etc.ing. It has largely seemed (since I don't know about the valuable conversations people do have in the background) they are for high-profile people who want their fans to know they are thinking about them and want them to think about them too -- so they post regularly about what they are doing. I have even heard of famous people who hire people to 'be them' and write for them, which seems shoddy to say the least.

Please see my other posts, below. They will help flesh out my responses to these letters.

Mostly, I am bewildered by all the new networking sites. Can't quite understand why anyone would want all their information to be sent out to the world. I think it is dangerous to be so open to strangers you don't know.

I will try to check back.

[fleaba]

I personally think that twitter and facebook just reinforce the isolationist, self-involvement and promotion of people in a dying civilization. In this culture we are obsessed with appearing obscenely busy, because it implies that we are successful. Twitter and Facebook reinforce our lack of real interaction with another person. Monkey mind in 140 characters.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Russell,
I agree that Facebook is merely a tool which one can use either well or badly. It allows me to peer into and participate more closely with my wonderful nieces who live in Milan, Italy. However, it also affords me the luxury of knowing that someone drank wine from a box...for the very first time...and survived.

In my opinion a great deal of the information that darts around Facebook is blather. Most of which I would prefer not to hear.

Not everyone has to love or be good at Facebook. Perhaps, I fall into that category.

My preferred mode of communication is up close and personal.

[gman01]

Facebook can be a great tool to reach out to old friends, granted I will give you that. But it can also bring things into a relationship that can create problems such as looking up past relationships to see where they are. I have been married over 18 years and my wife was looking up past boyfriends within a few days of joining. She did not deny it but the old saying curiousity killed the cat. She is on this thing all the time, I try to see where this is beneficial but can only see where it creates problems. In speaking with some very close friends they have told me they have heard the same stories. We are not getting a divorce or anything but this has created a trust issue that was not there before. Of coarse this is just my story concerning facebook.

[oakley9]

Writing, posting, etc takes up way more time than picking up the the phone and calling once in awhile. It's also more personal and not so superficial.

[waitforme]

I'm not on any of these things but I have questions: Are you really saying that 'writing, posting' -- using 140 characters -- is more personal and not so superficial?

Do you write to particular people or to all who are know you are on this particular form of internet social thing? How do you write to a particular person -- in privacy? Or can you?

Do you say that picking up the phone and calling once in awhile is not personal and is superficial? I find it the opposite. Or maybe I am misinterpreting you.

[jaundicedview]

Facebook has allowed me to regain contact with people I worked with in the film industry 20-odd years ago. Some are still in hollywood, others, like myself, are spread far and wide. It's good to hear from them again. As our lives have diverged, the likelihood of face-to-face contact diminishes, yet to get little snippets of information from old colleagues is enjoyable. Conversations usually don't go too deep, but the atmosphere is convivial and pleasant. It's a lot like getting postcards.

Now, a couple critiques about your post. You said:

"For now, please allow me the latitude to say that communication is one of those massively misunderstood terms, one that can mean anything from the sharing of minor bits of information to one of complex substance and meaning."

Within the context of this sentence, "Misunderstood" is probably the wrong word. "Broad" or even "Vague" would be better suited. We are talking about communication, after all. :^)

And the hammer metaphor. As a person who makes physical objects for a living, this has always bugged me. A clever person, left with only a hammer, will forge a chisel, and with those make other tools. Computer folks call this a workaround. The hammer of facebook has been forged into innumerable tools by innumerable users. It's simply a framework for communication, be it trivial or profound.

[deepfreezevideo]

I'm probably one of the more conservative FB users.
I don't play any of the games (known as "apps") or participate in any of the "causes" or use any of the widgets, so people I know probably think I am some kind of an old grump because I never respond to their incessant (and sometimes FB generated) requests to "join this group!" or "find out how hot you are!" or "show the world your Facebook IQ!" etc etc etc.

I DO use it to post photos and videos of myself and friends, and to keep folks posted on what I am working on. I often review a restaurant I went to, or compare notes on movies we've all seen or want to see. I talk politics and I send little love notes to my wife and encouraging words to my kids.

But that's just the point, I engage in the more direct applications of Facebook, and ignore the widgets and cute lil timewasters. If that makes me an un-hip Facebook user, so be it.

[topachic25]

I view social networking sites as a form of accepted voyeurism. We want to "keep tabs" on friends and acquaintances from a safe distance. All while wanting to feel important and that some how people want to know what we are doing and that it matters. We want the rewards of sharing in someones life without all the hassle that goes into truly creating a friendship. We want that good feeling when someone comments on what we have updated, written or linked. So instead of being introspective with our true thoughts and feelings about life, we are seeking acceptance from outside ourselves (outrospec­tion.. is that a word?). If we are honest, there is something much deeper with long term consequences going on. We are framing ourselves into the kind of person that we want others to see, not who we truly are. We take the best pictures at all the right angles with the least amount of fat and wrinkles showing. We secretly watch our Ex's in their new lives and new wives/husbands. We copy and paste witty comments and sayings so we feel smarter, and funnier. We read the latest book and link the most watched films. Not to mention all the pokes, prods, flowers, baby animals and pass the drinks.But in the end, we are left sitting all alone in a room with our true self, in from of a computer that has become our lives.... wondering why nothing ever changes...­...except on paper.....

[DennyCrane]

Excellent post. This is what I observe with many who use Facebook. They keep tabs on people instead of doing the work that it takes to keep a friendship alive. In other words, they're lazy. And as you pointed out, you have control over what you post so you can effectively give people a false impression of who you really are. A poster below said they use Facebook to stay connected with people they're no longer really friends with. How sad, not to mention cowardly. You basically have the nerve to abandon a friendship, but still keep them around "just in case".

[ocheeky1]

Many of us don't have much time left to stay in constant contact with all of our friends after the demands of our jobs, children, significant others, etc. Some of us, like myself, have a small group of close friends but also enjoy staying in touch with friends that have moved away or friends that I'm not as close with. It's nice to see photos of friends' kids and to get an update on what they're up to. It sometimes leads to sending an email, picking up the phone or arranging to meet in person.
Sometimes you lose touch with people that may be on your fb page as you do in the real world. So I wouldn't say I or so many people on fb are lazy or cowardly. It just depends on how you use it...
If you're constantly alone in front of your computer with fb as your main form of interacting with people well then that's another story...

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Nice insights, Topachic! Many have commented in a similar vein in the email traffic I have been getting. Thanks for adding to the discussion.