Keys to Life: Are You Choosing or Just Complaining?

Do you know anyone who seems to complain all the time about their job, or relationship, or just about anything? And, despite all the complaints, nothing ever seems to change?

Last week, we briefly touched on complaints as part of the accountability discussion. Today, we want to look deeper into what underlies most complaints.

My basic premise is that a complaint is "a sign of something preferred, but not being risked for." If you hear yourself or someone else complaining about something, start looking for two messages, one external, one internal.

The external message of a complaint goes something like: "I don't like the way this is; it should be like this." This is a rather indirect way for the complainer to express what he or she might prefer. The indirect, internal and often hidden message, hidden even from the one complaining, goes something like: "Even though I have some idea what I would prefer, I am not willing to risk going after it, so I would rather complain about what is and pretend that not only should it be different, but that I deserve better."

Let's imagine a scenario where a person turns up at work each day, goes through the day in a relatively OK space, even enjoys some of what goes on and what he or she contributes along the way. However, if you ask the person how the job is going, they wind up complaining about it, describing all the pieces that are wrong or would be "so much better if only" something or someone were different. And the complaints go on and on.

Most of the time, the person doing the complaining also holds an image or illusion that there is a perfect job out there, just waiting for them to show up. The only problem with this scenario is that the person doesn't do anything about finding that perfect job.

Story continues below

advertisement

If you go in search of the perfect job, what might happen, what could go wrong? You might show up, and instead of embracing you as the long sought after perfect employee, they might instead show you the door and say "thanks but no thanks."

That might be pretty crushing. So, rather than risk the rejection and the shattering of the illusion, you might just stay where you are, complaining about what you have, but not risking what you prefer, all the while pretending that you deserve better!

Complaint and Choice - The Gravity Connection

There's another perspective we might want to explore in terms of complaint that could further illuminate the process.

I often ask people to think about something that physically oppresses people the world over, something over which no one has any choice. People often say something like "weather," "old age," and the like.

My favorite is gravity.

Think about gravity for a minute or two. Did you ever trip over something and fall? Of course you have. If you are like me, you have probably blamed the thing you tripped over, muttered to yourself about not paying attention, wondered who could build a sidewalk like that, or any of a hundred other "observations.?

But did you ever blame gravity? Unlikely! Yet, without gravity, could you have fallen? Have you noticed what else gravity does to people, especially over time?

How about your weight? If you are overweight or underweight, or even "normal" weight, how could you have a weight without gravity? Ever hear anyone blame gravity for their weight?

How about the aging process? As people age, they often tend to shrink just a little bit as joints compress. Some even become a bit stooped over. It takes more effort to walk and get up out of a chair. And on and on and on. Have you ever heard an aging person complain about gravity?

"I hate gravity! Gravity sucks!" Laughable, right? But why?

What choice do you have about gravity? Absolutely none! It's just there. About the only choice you have about gravity is whether or not you choose to play with it!

Play with it? Am I nuts? Well, play along some more. Perhaps you recognize the worldwide fascination with gravity in terms of sport and games. The world actually just came together for the Summer Gravity Games, and in another two years will convene for the Winter Gravity Games.

Oh, sure, you probably know these games better as the Olympics, but they are Gravity Games nonetheless. In these games, we have competitions to see who can throw something farther or more accurately; who can climb up something faster than the rest, or ski down it faster than the others. Or who can jump farther, or look prettier doing it. Or who can lift more, or whose horse can jump higher, etc.

All of these are just games to be played with gravity. People jump out of planes to see if they can land OK, or put elastic cords around their ankles and jump off bridges to see if they stop just short of the land or river below. And on and on and on.

And why? Because what choice do you have about gravity? It's just there, nothing to be done, except play with it or become "grave" about it. For most of us, we simply ignore it. Nobody complains about it. There really is no gravity-yes, gravity-no choice. If you are here on the planet, you get gravity. Period.

When we really have no choice about something, we tend to make the best of it. If you hear yourself complaining about something, there is a very good chance that you have a choice, that you prefer something else, that you are not willing to risk going after what you truly want.

So, remember when the road forks, it does make a difference which road you choose. Perhaps your complaints can give you insight into the fork that best suits what you truly want.

You can find out more about Russell Bishop at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com Contact Russell at: [e-mail]

The author of Lessons in the Key of Life, Russell is a professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. His intent is to assist you in becoming a more powerful creator of your own life experience, producing more of the results you truly want.

Comments

[OtayPanky]

How about people who choose to complain?

You know what I mean, the ones who say "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore"...like Peter Finch in Network.

Are they in the otay category, or the sucky category?

[Eric8869]

I wish I was complaining about things I could control. Unfortunately when I wait 45 minutes for a bus that is supposed to arrive in 15 and it's so packed I can't get on it - I can't magically create another bus.

or if someone is rude and nasty to me in public - I don't have the control to make them civil.

Can I somehow get people's cellphones to turn off so I can't see the glaring lights when I'm out watching a movie? How do I control that.

Give me a break! More platitudes without any real solutions.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Eric:: I live in the real world also. Even in the circumstances you describe, there are many choices you have available to you. They could range from saying something to recognizing that you still have a choice about how you respond. What choices do you have if someone is rude to you? Victor Frankl endured Nazi concentration camps and came to the awareness that he was still free as long as he kept track of the one powerful choice they couldn't take away from him, the ability to choose his response. To paraphrase: freedom is that point in time just after they do something to me and just before I choose my response. In fact, he wrote that one reason he survived was that the Nazis could not break the spirit of who he truly was. Laurens van der Post wrote of an almost identical experience and lessons while in a Japanese prisoner of war camp. Please try to find the wisdom and practicality in these words. Far from platitiudes, they are life changing keys that are available to you and to me every day. Choose wisely!

[ilovemydoggy]

Complaining keeps you stuck. One spiritual teacher told me AVOID COMPLAINING at all costs -- it attracts negativity. For sure. I just completed a 12-week "Life Balance Course" via email + video. I highly recommend it. You can see it listed here:

baby boomer views: http://www.Vaboomer.com

[lewes17266]

Thanks for this.

I rarely complain about anything. Bad service, bad food, or bad drivers don't even upset me enough to voice complaints but I complain mentally about things from the past. The resentment and helplessness I feel brings on the mental complaining. I curse to myself and call people names inside my head! This pattern ruins my walks on the beach but I cannot stop it. My complaining self tells my other self how the behavior of others has hurt me and my family and I incesssantly remind myself of all we lost and the past comes crashing in.

I compare the experience of betrayal - the pain, the shock - to gravity stopping so this essay is interesting to me. I know that forgiveness is the only thing that could help me but the lack of closure is making that difficult to realize.

[ImmanuelGoldstein]

Nice collection of generalities for people who have control of every aspect of their lives. Now who was that again....?

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Immanuel: thanks for taking the time to post your comment. One objective I have in writing these :generalities" is to generate some kind of genuine dialogue about people taking greater response-ability for their lives and, in turn, exercising greater response-ability in making the world a little bit better all the way around. Nothing seems to happen in one grand step; rather, it is in the collection of little steps that great progess can be made. In this little post, and previous ones on choice, awareness and accountability, I am suggesting that there are more steps available to just about every one of us than most of us seem willing to acknowledge. I don't think there is one person out there who has control of every aspect of their lives; however, every single one of us does have control of our response to what happens around us. The amazing thing seems to be that the more I exercise control of my resonses, the more choices I seem to discover. Please take a look at http://wmitchell.com/book.html if you want to see what an amazing set of choices one person can do: Mitchell was burned and disfigured in a horrifitc motorcycle crash, recovered, and then was paralyzed in an airplane crash. He could be a spokesperson for victimhood; instead, he writes "It is not what happens to you, it's what you do about it" that matters. Powerful stuff, perhaps a few "Keys to Life."

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Russell, for your very "grounded" and "weighty" insights on the underpinnings of complaining! What you say makes a lot of sense!

In my experience, connecting to the deeper meaning of our life, including our work life, requires that we stop complaining. If we are honest with ourselves, we know how "happy" it can make us to find something to complain about--at work and in our personal life. However, even though complaining can feel momentarily satisfying, ultimately it undermines the integrity of our experience. Complaining, for instance, takes the meaning out of our work and out of our relationship to our work. This doesn't mean that it's not necessary to complain once in awhile, perhaps even to whine and groan about the job. What it means is that we need to be "aware" of when and why we are complaining. Is it to bring about a simple moment of relief? Or, have we started to define our work by habitually negative perceptions? So, I suggest that we ask ourselves why we complain and, more importantly, what's the "pay-off" from our complaining!