Last week, just after I put up my article asking if you are using your soul's energy to expand or contract, I was given the gift of meeting with Chan Luu, the world-renowned fashion jewelry designer. After sharing with Chan Luu the work we are doing to create our GPS for the Soul app and go-to-guide for getting back on course when stress overtakes us, I asked her to share how she manages to keep herself in balance.
She began immediately by focusing on one of life's biggest rocks, the day-to-day choices we make to lead an authentic, balanced and fulfilling life. She told me that after spending considerable time doing some soul searching following her divorce, she came up with a formula that works for her. She emphasized that it took considerable time and commitment to retrain herself so that she would consistently make choices that matter.
How Much Toxicity Will You Allow Into Your Life?
She quickly reframed the question of leading an authentic life into one of how much toxicity we are willing to live with and allow into our daily experience. What an incredible question and reminder that soul-centered guidance is all around, if only we choose to receive it when it shows up.
Chan Luu told me that we need "skill in self-nurturing," that we need to learn to set and maintain boundaries around our personal and professional lives. A world-class designer with an amazingly-successful business, she added that she had to learn "to make her business work around time for herself" instead of the other way around. She defined time for herself as having "self-love and respect for self," explaining that just as companies have good infrastructures to support their work, we need to apply the same principles to our own personal lives.
A Formula For Well-Being
She then led the way into this profound insight of self-discovery: You must develop and exhibit a commitment to yourself and take time to nurture yourself, every day. Successful businesses pay attention to their customers, to their employees, to their processes, and to their quality every day. What is the equivalent for paying attention to your life?
When I asked her how she managed this herself, knowing that she travels the world, running her very successful business across multiple time zones with all manner of people to support and nurture, she took me into what she called her own personal formula for living "a life that works well." In the lexicon of our soon-to-be-released GPS for the Soul app, she gave me her "playlist" and navigation guidelines for leading a successful, balanced, and fulfilling life.
Invest your personal and business time in people you love: Only invest your time with those people who nurture you and with whom you enjoy spending time. Get rid of your friends or business associates who are toxic, who complain, or who bring negativity to you. Spend time with people on the same path, people who are uplifting, with whom you can laugh easily, people with whom you can solve life's crises jointly, in a spirit of love and caring. The others may still be "friends," just not the friends you spend much time with.
Invest your time in things you love to do: If you don't love what you are doing, why are you doing it? Just as you surround yourself with people on the same path, so too surround yourself with the kinds of tasks or things to do that bring you joy. Easier said than done, to be sure, but if you don't start with the question in mind, how will you ever get there?
Your happiness is your responsibility: If you aren't happy in your own skin, what experience will you bring to your friends? Chan Luu never raises her voice to another: "Upset hurts me as much or more than it hurts the other person. Why bring upset to another let alone to myself?"
Develop a routine that works for you: Chan Luu has a regular routine that may seem enviable, but as she noted, it took her a long time to develop the commitment and the practice that she shares here. While this may seem daunting at first, can you find at least one of these practices that you can adopt yourself, and get yourself moving? Remember, your GPS will help you recalculate your route if you get off course, but it can't provide any help at all if you don't get yourself out of park and start moving.
Take time for yourself every day: Every evening -- EVERY EVENING -- do something that brings you joy. That could mean listening to your favorite music, playing an instrument, engaging with your hobbies, preparing your own food, spending time with your nurturing friends, etc. In Chan Luu's case, she makes certain that she plays the piano at least one hour every evening and reads some poetry. She also makes certain that she takes time to enjoy her painting. (For me, this means bringing my music back into my daily practice.)
Turn off the world every night: Chan Luu told me she used to wake up every night around 3 a.m. troubled by anything from tasks not yet done to news of the day. She now turns off everything electronic, including the television, computer, email, BlackBerry, etc. at least two hours before she goes to bed. (Electronic stimulation can stay with you as you try to sleep. Even one email or news story about the latest tragedy can get your mind going like crazy. My personal commitment here is to turn off the email by 10 p.m. Hopefully, the world will somehow manage if I'm not perpetually "connected.")
What about you? If you paid more attention to the quality of experience you would prefer, what small changes could you make that could help you move more into that balanced, fulfilling life you would prefer?
I'd love to hear your take on this subject. What have you found to be most helpful? Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
If you want more information on how you can apply this kind of reframing to your life and to your job, about a few simple steps that may wind up transforming your life, please download a free chapter from my new book, "Workarounds That Work." You'll be glad you did.
You can buy "Workarounds That Work" here.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
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Bruce Davis, Ph.D.: When Silence Is Your Friend
I can never do that. My lawn grows up and I mow it before it gets to high for my mower to handel. I don't woory about edging or trimming the trees, limbs fall out and I carry them off.
I let the lower field gorw up high with grass and the shear amount of pollen in the air around it keep the local gawkers away and gossip down. I use to keep horses down there but they would come over and feed them stuff. The horses would get sick, wormy and constipated thanks to my loving neighbors the vet made a good living off me.
The best thing I have done for myself is to learn how to let go - of expectations, of anger, of desperation, of needful things - and all this came from the singularly exquisite practice of meditation. It opens your life and your heart in ways you could never imagine. It does take time and effort, but it is worth the investment in yourself. It helped me to cope when I learned I had cancer, and it helped me to heal as well. It helps me to live my life everyday with peace in my heart. That in itself is happiness for me and it's worth more than gold!
Thank you Russell for such a wonderful article! I'm looking forward to reading more of your blogs. I'm a fan!
My takeaway from this article - too much seeking, doing, striving and to topical, not enough depth. Doing away with toxic news, toxic people, toxic relationships infers that you yourself aren't toxic and therefore you aren't attracting the toxicity to yourself to begin with. We are what we attract to ourselves.
There is a hidden negative connotation in the term "balance" - just as negative as the term toxic.
To me, personally, the term balance immediately seems to infer that we must strive for some imagined state of homeostasis. This constant strive for the impossible "balance" dramatically heightens the level of stress a person experiences in their lives. We find it is impossible for us to reach those impeccable standards set by someone else and so we begin to think less of ourselves.
I vote to throw balance out the window altogether and strive for pure pursuit of passionate authentic expressions of joy, blissful beingness, and free flow in the choice to experiencing happiness in the center of the moment.
Life is an ebb and flow. One minute you focus on one area of life and another is immediately out of focus and therefore, out of balance.
Instead, perhaps we ought to leave balance out of the equation and instead return within to rediscover our pure raw innate authenticity and allow that to be the daily expression of our life.
I have been turning off technology on the weekends and savoring the rich aroma of life in all its glorious variety.
Thank you wonderful Russell!
I think turning off all of the 24 hour news networks (of all stripes) is a great idea as well.
I am careful not to throw the "baby out with the water" you never know whom you will affect, whom you will help. Love is the answer.
Sadly, it is your post that shouts hatred for people who happen to just believe in different solutions to common problems. A shame. I would have expected more of someone who thinks they make perfect sense. ESPECIALLY in response to an article that speaks of compassion, respect and focusing on the good.
Toxic people are highly networked, although no formal organizations exist. They look to gain power and influence over others in their lives, to manipulate and control them. They do nothing on their own. The games that are played and which don’t get noticed, involve others. We see the troubled and stressed individuals only. This is not a problem that an individual can properly address alone. It takes communal effort to address and eradicate toxicity.
The most critical factor is knowledge, knowing how they operate. What are toxic relationships about? Exposure of their methods and raising awareness is the single most important thing we can do. (Here are my discoveries that I want to share https://kyrani99.wordpress.com/ since I found that they affect health significantly and I have benefited from what I’ve discovered)
IMO zero tolerance to toxicity is first. We must not be willing to live with toxicity personally or socially, not in our own lives or anyone else's that asks for help because even if we are not directly affected we are still affected because the society in which we live is affected, our interpersonal environments are affected and we can eliminate it altogether if we act. Evil people succeed only when good people do nothing.
For our own sake, and for the sake of others, it is often appropriate to pack it up and move on.