Men Aren't All That Happy Either

Last week, we opened another Pandora's happiness box, this time addressing the research gathered by Marcus Buckingham that shows the declining state of happiness amongst women.

Many of you responded, some with complaints about men, some with complaints about societal values, some with people to blame, and some suggesting that men may not be doing all that well either.

Indeed, I don't find men or women to be overwhelmed with satisfaction, fulfillment or general happiness. No surprise there, really. To me, the root cause of dissatisfaction and unhappiness often lies in the areas of focus we choose for ourselves.

And, just to be clear, I'm writing primarily about those who have the means and education to actually read this on line, using a computer. After all, this article is only available to those with computer access.

Last week, I ended by saying that this week I would address the first of several major keys to increased happiness and sense of well being, that of "living in the present." However, I beg your indulgence as I put this one off for a week, in order to take on some of the questions which arose via the comment and email stream.

Victimhood and blame: who chose to lead life as you have?

I suggested that many of us may be experiencing unhappiness due to a set of choices we made, and possibly continue to make, in our areas of focus. It can often be summed up as "if only I could" thinking: If only I could characterizes the mindset of those who think they would be happier if only (have enough money, have the right job, have the right house, have the right relationship, etc) something or someone else were different.

That kind of thinking is understandable given any number of societal norms, pressures to pursue, and even family or political values.

The if only mindset perpetuates the notion that in some ways, we are victims of our circumstances. However, while many are wont to blame a husband/wife, boss, co-worker, banker, bank account or political party for their perceived lack of success or fulfillment in life, few are equally likely to blame a husband/wife, boss, co-worker, banker, bank account or political party if things happen to be going well. Apparently, there are very few "success victims."

Here are two examples of two very different approaches to the question of who's responsible for your state of well being. One woman wrote:

I read your article with interest. I'm quite a high achiever but not as high as I'd like to be. I'm in science management. Am I happy? Quite, but not blithe by any means. But then again most of the men I know aren't very happy either. These are not happy times compared to 40 years ago. So many world problems..... so little time. Is anyone really happy? Not - I suspect - if they have any true idea of the state of the world.

I actually regret spending so many years at home with my kids (now 19 and 21) because in my early 50s I'm having to jump start a stalled career - try it. It's tough. The reason I want my own career? My own pension, my own life, my own money, my independence. My marriage will bore me to death. I need my own life and so I suspect does my spouse. I should have spent far less time at home and more at work. The kids would have been fine. I know so many who spent time in day care and they are doing just fine.

I'm also fed up with being the bill payer, main source of all family coherence, laundry maid, shopper, gardener etc etc because men just don't do all that stuff. At least men of my husband's generation. Maybe it's getting better but still mostly women who work full time also do most of the chores. I call it acquired ineptitude. Don't tell me a man who can program a computer really can't use a washing machine.

Then there's sex. I was brought up to believe it was so much more important to men than women. This is of course, total rubbish. I now find myself climbing the walls with middle aged frustration while my husband has cheerfully given up. Who knows why? He won't discuss it. Prefers playing with his computer. Maybe if I can get a better career going and earn more, I can get a Trophy Boyfriend, like the rich guys get Trophy Girlfriends? I'd love to see a whole slew of really rich successful women getting hot young guys!

But like I said, I don't really know anyone truly happy. I'm probably doing better than most.

On the other end of the spectrum, Sara wrote:

I read (the) article you wrote titled, "Women Are Unhappy? And You're Surprised?" Great job! I was one of the unhappy 10 years ago. I had a great job, good marriage, nice house, kids, maids, etc, etc, but I was terribly unhappy. I began a journey that has brought me to where I am today (very happy and fulfilled). Funny thing is, I do not have any of the material crap that I had 10 years ago. I mean, I still have the kids, of course, but not the fancy corporate job with the stable paycheck and not the husband that looked good, but was not good for me. I now live in the country as a single Mom of 3 kids with no child support, scratching out her survival and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I wrote a book to try and encourage more people to do as I have, but I think it will appeal to women more than men. I am curious, as a man, do you think only women are unfulfilled with the empty material possessions we were told would make us happy? See, I think men are just as unhappy. Maybe not all of them, but I think a lot of the younger ones are. Perhaps you could do a follow-up article on the impact to men? Just a thought.

Now isn't that great! Both women are writing about choices they made: who chose to marry? Who chose to stay married? Who chose the job or career? Who chose to take the job/career and accept the role of nanny to the husband? (And, by the way, who said men don't do chores? Follow me around for a few days and you'll see everything from dishes to laundry. I know that I'm not alone, but perhaps in a minority role.)

Please do consider that each of us makes our own choices which, in turn, lead to outcomes, experiences and consequences. Most people fail to recognize what they truly seek and wind up making choices to pursue goals which lack meaning. Some simply accept other's choices by default and wind up entrapping themselves in a set of unfortunate and difficult-to-escape circumstances.

As we carry these ideas forward about creating a life of greater meaning, satisfaction, happiness or well-being, it will be critical to keep in mind that each of us makes choices every day about how we respond to the circumstances in which we find ourselves. As many have discovered, the quality of your life experience may have less to do with what happens to you and more to do with how you choose to respond. And, sometimes, those choices actually wind up creating our circumstances, not just our experience of them.

Just play with that one for a bit and consider what the consequences might be if this little approach just happens to be true. What if the main difference between a life of distress and one of well being is primarily driven by your willingness and ability to choose your responses on a daily basis? Of course, as I have written before, it's hard to choose if you don't know where you are headed, or why you are headed there.

As always, please do leave a comment or drop me an email with your thoughts, ideas, questions or suggestions. Next week, we will pick on the theme of living (and choosing) in the present as a key to well being.

***

Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com

 

 

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Comments

[ah2323]

At one time there was a social contract between men and women. It wasn't perfect, but it existed. Men took care of women, economically and otherwise, and women took care of the home, children, etc. and gave men a certain amount of deference and respect. There was also deference and respect on the other side as well, of a different kind. For example, women were given certqain spaces or occasions that were recognized as women only; women made most choices about how the house would be decorated, family diet, etc. If women made any money on their own, it was usually theirs and not thrown into the general fund.

Men are still responsible for their half, whereas women have bailed on their responsibilities. AS for the woman who asked if anyone was interested in a 50 plus liberal woman who contributed nothing to the household, my answer: "h*** to the no." For that, I can just have a friend. Or a cat.

[mikeadam]

Heterosexual males don't get enough sex. End of discussion.

[JDM73]

"Indeed, I don't find men or women to be overwhelmed with...ful­fillment." But *is* there such a thing as fulfillment? For anyone who has ever asked that question, I heartily recommend Arthur Schopenhauer's "The World As Will and Representation". Yes, it's a long and demanding read, but you can skip over most of the metaphysical gibble-gabble in the first half. It's what Schopenhauer says about the human condition and its inherent misery that is important. Chasing fulfillment and satisfaction tends to make people even more deeply unhappy than they would be otherwise.

[Alwaysalily]

My take on why both females and males are not happy has to do with today's society.

Both sexes are dealing with the aftermath of women's lib. IMO women's lib went overboard. It's gotten to the point that men don't know how to treat women and women don't know how to act like ladies anymore. Yes it's nice to have equal salaries.

Society on the whole is conditioned that everything needs to be "instant gratification". People don't save their money for things anymore. It's much faster to put the purchase on a credit card and then you have payments coming out the cazoo.

Today's economy doesn't help matters either. Today a job, tomorrow fired. Stress levels are high for both sexes.

Everyone is set on being and/or staying as "BEAUTIFUL" as they can, because men are looking for something better and women are looking for something better.

Plus we, as a species, are living our crappy lives even longer than humans did generations ago.

Time for me to get off my soapbox.

[ifitwereme]

interesting article, but I'm too unhappy to read it all.

[iridium53]

Men's mid-life crises are the stuff of legend. Why would anyone believe that men are all that happy either?

And, as to chores, etc. - it is an "acquired ineptitude." Most guys lived by themselves for a bunch of years before getting married - they cooked, cleaned (some sort of), did laundry, etc.

Virtually every guy I know cut way back on chores when they were told, for the hundreth time, that they we "doing it wrong" (e.g., not precisely the way their spouse did it), and "offered" to let the "better" person do it.

My advise - if you want the toilets cleaned, let the other person do it they way they do it, or shut up about it when they let you do it yourself.

[Tulka2]

"Men Aren't All That Happy Either"...

Okay. This is a segue, but i never had any illusion men, as a general gender, were happy.

Years ago, i read a book by the transgendered person, Jan Morris. Her Book is called Conundrum. Jan was a married father of four. He was a travel writer and lovely man. Over thirty plus years ago, he become one of America's first transgendered people. He went to Switzerland for the hormone treatments and surgery.

I remember him writing that all the men were astonished how cheerful men became as female hormones began to course through their bodies. Cheerful. They all said, "No wonder women are so cheerful". Remember. Female is the default and there's a reason men have higher mortality at every age. We have the science. Seriously. There are too many men. It is outre' to say so, but we have passed the point were equal numbers of both sexes is desirable for the planet. Two sexes is no longer necessary for gene swapping.

You know how i know gender is "so yesterday"? Because of the way we push pink plastic on little girls and single shooter games on boys. You have to or they would forget.

And... i like men. I have sons and a husband of forty plus years. I just feel sorry for them.

[eweqo]

It's interesting that Conservatives are happier than liberals by about a 2 to 1 margin. I guess that because we believe happiness is something that you have to take responsibility for whereas liberals think it is something the Government has to give them.

[emily00011]

and leave it to a conservative to really believe that happiness is about ideology. such an irrelevant comment in this discussion.

[conservative-mindset]

Amen suuuuuurrrrr

[Huffmeister1]

Or maybe it's just adds more credence to the maxim "ignorance is bliss"!

[MountPanic]

Ding-ding-­ding-ding-­ding!

There can be no starker example than the Carter/Regan presidencies. Carter was honest and head-on about the problems that faced us and the responsibility required to change us from a self-destructive course. People didn't like that. It didn't make them feel good. They wanted the bad man who suggested they had a role in the solution to go away.

So they elected Reagan who rolled back as much of Carter's progress as he could and said "We don't need to think about that, let's just decide we're right without really thinking about how or why we're right, and the good feeling will make it all seem like a dream." For this, he's idolized by the ignorant. But looking at the fallout of this policy, we're now dealing with all the issue he left to fester unseen and unheeded while living in self-serving ignorant bliss.

Debt is worse. The disparity between rich and poor is worse. The corporate abuse of the environment is worse in SO many ways. Our dependence on foreign fossil fuels is worse. Basically every seed that came to fruition under the Dubya; the Worst President Ever were planted by Ronald Reagan's "leave it to the children" policies.

It also helps that the people narrow-minded enough to become Republicans comfort themselves with the thought that if they can callously trample over others on their way to financial security, then anyone can, if they just APPLY themselves.

[PocketWatch]

truthartbeauty -

"The secret to true happiness means that your life has to be based on only two things....truth, and kindness."

_____________

I truly wish that were the case. I've tried to adhere to both those things my whole life, and all it's got me is trouble. Tell the truth, and people rarely like it. Kindness results in being thought of as a doormat. I still do it, but experience has made me very, very cautious.

[eweqo]

You need to pick your friends better..

[isaidit]

I knew that was coming.

[mgray34]

In general, people are unhappy because they have compromised in some way. They either compromised in the relationship they got involved in, the job their working etc. When you settle for less than you desire or deserve, you aren't quite as happy. We are the some total of the choices we have made in life. What we are now is the result of how much we've compromised.

[moonflowerjewelry]

work with what you have and stop drooling over other people's toys... every moment is a miracle, and the choice to savor it or complain about it is up to you.

[quietreader]

Also, long-term happiness seems to me to be something that one has to create by oneself.

[quietreader]

I am happy all of the time. There is no reason to fight it, or pretend otherwise. I have given up trying to find out if there is anything I am unhappy about a long time ago. I always have a knack of turning a not-so-good situation into a good one. I am also tough as one can be. Life gets better with each passing year. Part of being happy is knowing how to be happy; and knowing what it takes to be happy.

I am very happy to be a man and about the things that are part of being a man.

[isaidit]

Hi, Dalai, it's great to know you have time to read Huffpost. Hi five.

[LanceBoyle]

I've discovered that it's not at all about happiness, but finding tranquillity-- tranquility in life as it is, and tranquility in the face of aging and death.

And the Stoics are much better guides to finding it than the Christianity in which i was raised.