Over these many years of helping people move from whining to winning, I have remained resolute in my focus that each of us is capable of far more than we typically give ourselves credit for. As I have pointed out in many ways, you can have the results you choose, or you can settle for all the perfect reasons that you don't have those results. I have learned that it really is just a choice.
However, as with all choices, the art is that of choosing wisely. I can imagine those who read these articles simply to find something to disagree with, or worse yet, something else to be disagreeable about, are already having a field day. Perhaps today is the day we can all "wise up" just a little and focus on what it is that truly matters, on what the results are that we truly seek.
Amongst the various newsletters and blogs to which I subscribe is Seth Godin's daily blog. In Sunday's blog, " Accepting False Limits," Seth wrote about being perplexed by all the people who stop themselves from succeeding in life by declaring failure before they even get started. You know the drill, especially if you have children. "I can't" has probably killed more ideas than book censors.
As he said, clearly there are some things that neither of us will ever do -- dunk a basketball, fly by flapping our arms, etc. These truly do belong to the "I can't" realm. But what about those things that we declare outside our capability simply because we declare that we can't?
Seth remains resolute in his belief in people and our ability to improve the world we live in. As he wrote in his false limits blog post:
This attitude gets me in trouble sometimes. Perhaps I shouldn't be pushing people who want something but have been taught not to push themselves. Somewhere along the way, it seems, I forgot that it's none of my business if people choose to accept what they've got, to forget their dreams and to not seek to help those around them achieve what matters to them.
Perhaps I am overreaching a wee bit here, but I suspect Seth and I share at least some "improve-the-world" DNA. When people ask me what I do for a living, and I get that they really want to know, I usually say, "I help people get what they think they want as fast as possible so I can ask, 'Was that it?'" Sometimes I answer, "I help people get what they really want instead of what they settle for." Same thing, really.
The trick, as always, comes in understanding what it is that you truly want. I often paraphrase the longshoreman philosopher, Eric Hoffer, by saying, "You can never get enough of what you don't truly want." (Mr. Hoffer actually said, "You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy.")
In last week's column about whining vs. winning, a number of readers missed the point and chose instead to focus on definitions of winning that require the contradistinction with losing. Others wisely noted that the focus on winning vs. whining is one of clarity of purpose and intention. The more clarity you bring to what really matters, the more likely you are to "win" the game of life. As someone once said, and I can't seem to find who said it, the game of life is about becoming a "winner in the human race." Lots of double meanings, I suppose, but the real focus is on building the life you truly seek, rather than settling for the weevily peanuts. And, no, it's not about "he who dies with the most toys wins." That's the booby prize.
Real winning is about stepping past self-imposed limitations to create the quality of life experience that you truly seek. Kind of like the old story about the person lying on her death bed, few of us are likely to say we wish we had accumulated more material things any more than we are likely to wish we had spent more time at the office.
So, what is it that you truly seek in life? What is it that truly allows you to experience fulfillment? What is it that brings you peace?
Every week, I invite readers to leave a comment or drop me an email. Every week, comments range from those who find benefit, to those who sincerely disagree, to those who just like to find something to dismiss. Amongst the most rewarding aspects of putting up these columns are the emails I get. Here's one from Sherie, responding to the whining vs. winning article:
Absolutely loved this article. I am going to buy the book. You are absolutely right. I am a single mother who has been raising my son alone for the past 12 years when my ex-husband abruptly, without warning disappeared from our lives. I was penniless, soon homeless and had to start all over, my son was not quite 2. I had no one to help me and no one to turn to even for advice. I had no idea of what to do. The one thing I did know was that whatever happened would be up to me and to take the time to sit around whining about my circumstances was a luxury I couldn't afford. I stepped up and did what I had to do to get us out of that situation and never looked back. It was very hard and for many years I was just barely holding on. I went through many cheap apartments, to being evicted to living in pay by the week hotels a few times. I would be okay and then a small emergency would happen like my son having to go to the urgent care and that $50.00 would throw everything off and I would not be able to pay the rent, then the light bill, then the phone bill, etc. It was a domino effect. Once in awhile I would cry in my shower after my son was asleep, but that was it. I never complained and I always tried to stay positive. I would convince myself that it would be okay. I did not want negativity to make things worse. I don't know why I thought that this would work, but it did. After 12 years I am finally at a place where one small emergency doesn't put me over the edge. Positive thinking and working around negativity is something I have always instilled in my son. For some reason, I have never thought about this in terms of work. I am excited to read this book and see how these strategies can help in my office.
As Sherie points out so wonderfully well, hers is not a life of glitter and glamour; she has worked diligently to keep moving forward, apparently against some steep odds. And yet she has found the inner strength to keep herself focused on what she can do to keep moving. As challenging as life must be, her son has the blessing of living with a great teacher, one who is encouraging him to step past apparent limitations and into an improved experience of his own making.
How about you? Are you creating the life you seek or settling for the emptiness of "I can't"? Please leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell@russellbishop.com.
If you want more information on how you can apply this kind of reframing to your own life and how you can take a few simple steps that may wind up transforming your life, download a free chapter from Russell's new book, "Workarounds That Work."
You can buy "Workarounds That Work" here.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about his work by visiting his website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact him by email at Russell@ russellbishop.com.
Follow Russell Bishop on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_Bishop
Russell Bishop: Workarounds: Is There Any Value to Positive Thinking?
"I help people get what they really want instead of what they settle for."
For me, reading The Secret really changed my life and allowed me to see the same way. I realized that visualizing and making success THE option is the first step to really achieving it. I'm starting to apply that to my life, along with a core basis of love since "'love is, in and of itself, all that we truly ever need” (Valentino Speaks, http://valentinospeaks.com). Peace to you! Thanks for the inspiring article!
My truth always has been that you tend to get in life, rather than what you want, need, pay for, or even work for, is that which you settle for, whether you work 30 years in a boring job, or move on to find a job that reflects your passion. It’s your choice.
It is just too easy to claim changes are hard for adults, but what’s really unfortunate is to waste potential passion and worth, because of the belief that changes are just too difficult. Some herein said that there are impossible goals, unachievable dreams, and false hopes… yeah… so? The marketplace will out those situations; reality springs up, and awareness is attained. A friend thought he was a great singer, he wasn’t, but he doesn’t regret one moment trying to be. He found another passion: he is a cop.
As you said, you should choose wisely, but even if you sometimes don’t, the harm in trying is most often like that I suffered when trying to learn the saxophone… LOL. I played the trombone fine, but that reed mouthpiece; all I did was attract cats. Yet, I have no regrets, and have moved on to other pursuits and passions; more quality of life experiences.
“I can’t!” is too often spelled, “I won’t!”, which unfortunately, renders both statements true. To deny the attempt is to deny living to the fullest.
Sincerely,
Lawson Meadows
I think for many of us these are actually difficult questions to answer. It takes a fair amount of self-introspection and dedication to figure out what we truly want, and then how to go about turning those desires into reality. I have been studying this from the perspective of the Law of Attraction recently, the basis of which is that “your thoughts directly shape the events that happen in your life. If you want something to happen and you are able to focus enough intellectual and emotional energy on it, you can make it so.” (Maria Holmes, http://www.beyondthemythbook.com). I thank you Russell for this post as it has given me additional perspective as I travel this journey.
Limitations in personal and professional growth indicate that one has stopped living, since growth is a part of living a wonderful human life and once one gives up the ability to challenge and engage themselves in taking care of self, one stops raising their level of consciousness and contentment and the cycle of sel-discipline and self-motivation breaks down
Self-imposed limitations are not the only thing one has to concern themselves with -- as if one does decide to "unlock" themselves and pursue paths less traveled, there are many along the way who resist the idea -- even in a society that encourages "just do it" people.
I've been on my journey for almost a year -- it's been one of the most rewarding, but also the most challenging experience of my life.
Anyone interested can check out my blog (articles I've written actually sound quite similar to this one) http://blog.zerodean.com
We have been conditioned to look at the negative aspects of things. What is needed is to retrain our mind to focus on the positive aspects like freedom and confidence. It is actually more of a matter of just letting go of old ways of thinking as our natural state is one of joy.
More info about creating a positive life at: http://bit.ly/dFXWrv
Through whatever reason or because of a potential array of situational experiences, most of us create a compromised future in response to the perception of needing to defend ourselves against something – usually an insecurity. When we have done this once, we will do it time and time again because we convince ourselves we are in a control or we are happier that way. The problem is that this creates a snowball effect and all of a sudden, everything we do or plan to do will be compromised. ....the self-created limitation has been born.......
Not wanting to add to the negative commentary however I do agree that Russell’s illustration of this topic by referring to someone else’s blog was perhaps not the most credible. That said we all need a muse and perhaps Seth Godin provides a catalyst for thought for Russell. The fundamental fact remains though that Russell has written about an issue of pandemic proportion and at some time we are all guilty of it. Now lets get to removing the issue.......
Craig Ing
www.craiging.com
www.blog.craiging.com
I must say I was left feeling that way too which was why I suggested at the end of the my first comment (way at the bottom) that Russell provide us with his steps to convert an "I cant" to an "I can".
Lets watch this space.......
NB Now make sure you check out my blog....ha ha.....
God bless,
RB
All of the students not only passed with B's or As but can safely save life in drowning events and half were able to Butterfly across the pool and did so whenever I let them. They eagerly came to class and talked endlessly during class helping each other instead of shyly standing against the wall hiding their nonOlympic bodies with their book binders.
Three went on that summer to become life guards and one joined a swim team.
Word spread and 10 football players on scholarship showed up with a chit for me to teach them swimming. I went on to teach them swimming and help them with body damage and taught them that swimming can heal more than muscle. One was a Heisman trophy winner who I dont think ever stepped into a pool in his life. I taught him nothing, he told me he would be beating me at butterfly before he left. He didn't but he never stopped believing he could.
My grandmother used to harp "..Can't never could do nuthin..." like a parrot everytime she heard "I can't". Never really realized how mind changing it was til I was older.
I can't play basketball for ()*&^% but if I wanted it bad enough I could.
I could take a higher position with my company but I don't want the stress that goes with it so I guess I'm opting for the weevily peanuts. haha.
The worst part about it is that I'm really a complete embarrassment to myself. I have a mind that is literally one in a million -- based on IQ alone -- and yet I'm barely surviving. I have the ability to a legendary person, yet I underachieve in all aspects of life. I'm definitely tired of being a colossal loser, and I'd like for some good things to finally happen in my life. I understand I won't be able to fix all the problems that have resulted from my childhood -- the damage will never be fully undone -- but it would be nice to function
I believe that PTSD can be insidious and potentially lifelong, and it's possible to be held back even decades after the abuse has ended by a self-perception that continues the messages of worthlessness, picking up where the abusers left off, because it's learned behavior.
Your negative choices are probably ways to both self-medicate and self-punish -- again, taking up where the abusers left off, and it's self-preservation at its most basic level, even with all the twisted lessons therein (serving SOME purpose and holding SOME value, even if it was to gratify the sick impulses of others).
You are who you are both because of your past and in spite of it. It's also learned behavior to move forward in spite of history. Your ability to function at a higher, more rewarding level truly starts with a plan, and while you wait for the FEELING to take hold that you deserve better, you really can take steps that will help you get there. Just as negativity breeds negativity, success begets success.
You can rewire your expectations for yourself by choosing differently, and sometimes you can't wait for self-confidence in order to take those steps, but when you feel it, you'll be able to build on that momentum.
You were smart enough to achieve survival. Thriving requires discipline, regardless of our past.
I wish you peace.
I was just wondering how you were doing? Its been a few days since your comment and even though my reply was removed I would still like to know how you are doing and this is the only way I can get in touch with you.
Craig