Not Happy? Who's Dragging You Down?

So, are you unhappy? Frankly, who cares? Who cares whether you're happy or not? You do? Then why don't you just get over it and do something? This may seem insensitive or uncaring to some. Actually, I do care and I'm quite sensitive. I've just found over the past couple of decades working with people, that buying into individual tales of difficulty and challenges only serves to add to the burden of overcoming life's obstacles and improving one's experience of well being.

So, let me start with who cares whether you're unhappy? Maybe you do. I say maybe, because I have met so many people who are of the mindset, "life's a bitch and then you die." Not only is that person doomed by their own consciousness (we do seem to get what we focus on), but the rest of us who interact with this person also get to "benefit" from their "life sucks" mentality. Hang around with enough people with this kind of mindset, and you just may start the downward slide right along with them. Pretty soon, you may be a candidate for membership in the "ain't it awful club." These folks seem to revel in one downsmanship - you-think-that's-bad-wait-until-you-here-this-one kind of thinking. Or, "been down so long, looks like up to me" also comes to mind.

Are You Dwelling in Your Own Negativity?

If you dwell enough on the negativity of a circumstance, you will pretty soon start producing an increasingly negative experience to go along with the negative circumstance. And the more you dwell in the negativity, the less likely you are to even perceive an opportunity to make a different choice, much less act on it. Kind of - why bother?

Many people are unhappy these days. Not sure if that comes as any big surprise, or if it's really all that different from days gone by. Maybe people were just as unhappy before the most recent recession, but with more cash in the bank and inflated home values back then, people may have been simply "happy" to make do while continuing to make the sacrifices they hoped would make them happier some day later.

Is Today the "Secret" to Changing Your Circumstance?

Many are now discovering that this "life-will-be-better-later" thinking is not only not true, but wasteful of the only opportunity you will ever have. The only time you will ever get to experience happiness, fulfillment or meaning is right here, right now. Today. Not tomorrow - it hasn't happened yet. That doesn't mean that you might not experience happiness, fulfillment or meaning tomorrow - just that we'll have to wait and see what choices you make when tomorrow arrives. Not yesterday, or some other time in the past - it's over, done with, gone. You aren't going to be able to do anything about what happened, except to make new choices today that might have a better chance of working for you. That leaves today. The Present. The Here and Now. This is the only opportunity you will ever have to make choices that impact your experience of happiness, fulfillment or meaning. Happiness, fulfillment and meaning are experiences you have in the moment, in the now - not when you are focused on the past or the future. Sure, you can make choices that influence the future, or perhaps correct past errors, but those choices also have great impact on what you are experiencing right here, right now.

You may have heard the old cliché about "life is a journey, not a destination." Indeed, the focus here is more on the quality of experience you have as you go through life than it is on any physical or material scorecard. However, I am also of the mind that you can have a measure of both - quality, fulfilling, enriching life experience coupled with the ability to create more of what you seek in the physical world as well.

You could start today, right now even, by asking yourself what are you currently experiencing? Not necessarily what you are doing, but how you are experiencing yourself while you are doing something. You could be at work, performing chores, or engaged in some other kind of activity that is less than your favorite. Without changing a thing in terms of what you are working on, could you change something inside yourself in terms of how you are approaching the task at hand. Yes, this is a little bit like choosing a different attitude. Perhaps all it takes is to choose to notice what you are doing in a different light: how is my experience of life impacted by the choices I make; or by the outcomes I focus upon; or by what I tell myself about what's happening around me?

So, What Can I Do?

The question becomes: how do I experience happiness, joy, fulfillment, or well-being in the midst of what might otherwise appear to be difficult, trying circumstances. That's why I started this series earlier this summer with a question: What Do You Want Out of Life, Really? and followed it up with 3 Keys to Finding Your Source of Inspiration. That led to a series of articles about women and their apparently declining levels of happiness, at least according to your neighborhood pollsters.

Perhaps you are currently living an uninspired, or at least under-inspired life. Dictionary.com defines uninspired as "having no intellectual, emotional, or spiritual excitement; dull."
That doesn't sound like much fun, now does it? They go on to define uninspiring as "depressing to the spirit."

I have certainly worked with a number of people over the years who lack much excitement or enthusiasm in their lives, people who are leading lives that are, indeed, depressing to their own spirit. If you are finding yourself in that depressing experience right now, what is it that you are focusing on that creates the experience of depression? Are you in some version of complaint (ain't it awful) or hopelessness (been down so long looks like up to me)?

How could you begin to change your experience, even if the circumstances aren't going to change any time soon? Or at least, apparently not any time soon? There are multiple steps necessary to begin the process of change. The first is to get yourself into Now - the reality of what's present. Notice I didn't say you had to like it, just get here. Then you need to move into acceptance (our focus for next week) - again not liking it, just accepting it. From there, moving to a positive focus (not some dumb form of positive thinking that pretends everything is cool), just a positive focus on how you would like your experience to change. That will lead to positive actions, and with a few more keys, a set of improved experiences, and, perhaps, even a set of improved circumstances.

Of course, you could also be doing just fine in your life and still be open to things going even better. Contrary to much of western thinking, you don't have to be sick to get better. Your life can be going just fine and still have room for improvement. No matter how well you are doing, would you object to doing even better?

As my teacher often says to me, "Russell, your 'laters' are already upon you." Basically, he has been telling me that now is the time to take the next step. I've been pretending for a while that I'll get around to doing something different, "later." Well, later is here!

Your email responses and comments to these articles have been all over the place, some claiming my writing is, well, right on, and others telling me I'm wrong, insensitive or just blaming the victim. However, they have all been helpful in shaping what I write. In fact, your responses have inspired a book I am working on with the working title of: The Aspirational Life: 9 Keys to Finding Your Source of Inspiration, Fulfillment and Meaning.

Future Huffington Post essays will attempt to lay out a series of steps, exercises and frameworks inspired by creating this book, steps that could enable you to rise above your current circumstances, and enter an uplifting world of increasing well being. Next week, we will tackle the role of acceptance as a key to change.

As always, please do leave a comment or drop me an email with your thoughts, ideas, questions or suggestions. Next week, we will pick on the theme of living (and choosing) in the present as a key to well being.

***

Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. You can find out more about Russell at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell by email at: Russell (at) lessonsinthekeyoflife.com

 

Follow Russell Bishop on Twitter: www.twitter.com/inspiredguy

Comments

[Sandhya Natarajan]

Interesting article

[quoting]

The best approach is simply to live in the now, do the best you can with your present abilities and talents, and let your actions speak for themselves. That takes understanding and awareness. It also takes love and respect for self. With it comes freedom, a sense of self-worth, and an inner security and serenity that is worth everything.

[huffpostreader10000]

"YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW TO REACT TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO YOU"

We hear this so much these days (at least I do) but I still am trying to understand exactly how this works. No one ever teaches this to us in school when we are kids, and then all of a sudden bang! We are all grown up and expected to know this. Hmmm.

I mean, if someone insults me or says things to put me down, so I just ignore them? What if I am surrounded by people like that all day long? No matter what people say to me I am supposed have a big smile on my face?

Where does the line get drawn, or is it a hazy area that depends on the person? If the latter, then how do we decide who has a legitimate case and who is just a complainer?

[ObamaProud]

The only thing that consistantly gets me down is the news media. Everything else is a-ok! :)

[laurasupstate]

as a mother of a depressed son here is what I can say. My son was an outgoing , well adjusted boy with lots of friends and doing so much all the time. He was 13 years old when he came home and said that he just wasn't feeling right .Immediately took him to the MD and he was given a clean bill of health. This was the beginning of his struggle with depression. Things he did started taking more effort. Definitely there is a chemical imbalance . One cannot just have one explanation fit all.

[ponderingmuch]

Prozac sure helps.

[bikerdude]

Who? My wife. If I could afford a divorce, I would be way happier.

[MicheleMoore-Happy1]

Misery Is Meant To Make Us Move is a key Happiness Habit. Misery signals something has changed and something needs to change.
We need to make changes to end our misery. We may need to change what we are doing, change how we are thinking, change how we are feeling, or change all three. What can we do?
Action, Activity & Achievement Are Healing. Working hard on worthwhile endeavors is energizing, encouraging and empowering.
Avoid The Fault Finding Feel Goods & Avoid All UnNecessary, Non-Productive Negativity are key Happiness Habits.
Revol & Rebel against situations and forces that distress or depress your spirits. Don't give them control of your thoughts, actions, feelings, time and attention. Don't help them hurt you.
Our Focus Determines Our Feelings - focusing on bad things makes us feel sad, anxious or angry. Shifting our attention to good things is energizing, elevating, encouraging. We never feel better by focusing on how badly we feel.
Move From Problems To Solutions Quickly - moving from problems to possible positive solutions makes people feel better. So does working hard to implement them.
From: http://HappinessBlog.com - http://HappinessInHardTimes.com and http://HappinessHabitsAtWork.com .
MicheleMoore-Happy1 / HappinessBlog.com / HappinessHabit.com

[DragonMama]

"one downsmanship" is an excellent term for my most salient experience of a person like that. She is a member of my church. Every. Single. Conversation with her will have at least one instance of her latching onto something the conversational partner says and "one downsmaning" them in some way. You have a sinus headache? She's got a migraine. Your pet is sick? She'll recount all her pets who have ever died. Car trouble? Oh, boy - run away and run fast, that conversation will last HOURS. She's been evicted from at least one home every year for the last 4 years I've known her, along with her young daughter (who she claims is the result of being raped by her former lover, and it often seems as if the only reason she actually carried the pregnancy to term and is raising the child is as an act of revenge against the father and so she can collect child support). Her daughter goes to the same school as my son so encounters with her happen nearly daily. She drains my energy so much that I have set her contact info on my cell phone to it's own specific ring tone to facilitate screening her calls.

[schatsie]

I have known so many people like that,,,well not so many but I am now focused on spending time with people who are considerate, confident and competent... and we grow.... and that is all we can hope for...to grow.

[67bug]

Yes, a baby would definitely drag me down!

[witz]

Interesting . . .

Jung frames the problem often as a "damming up of the energies of life," and that a solution comes as much from digging through the past as it does changing your attitude about things.

www.truespiritualpath.com

[nexxtep54]

There was one subject not broached here and that is the proliferation of self-help and self improvement books and vids on the market. Just my own opinion, but every time I see a How-to-improve . . . title, I have to wonder how this makes people feel about themselves. To me it's the same as every magazine I see flaunting those perfect looking, smiling women and handsome men on their covers, as though that were the norm. You can't photo-shop your public image, especially in the grocery store with two kids and a grocery cart in tow. A constant barrage of being told how try to be or feel something you are not can be taken to imply you are inadequate as-is and often it can bring you down.

[Weehawk]

You cannot control what happens to you in life. But you can control how you react to it -- your attitude. You can choose to be grumpy and unhappy. Or you can choose to turn yourself around and be happy despite your circumstances. Maybe it's easy for some people, but for the rest of us, it's a daily battle. You must search for it and nurture the little sparks that you find, and shelter them until they grow.

As for other people dragging you down, I have found that it's easy to brighten someone else's day. Don't mirror their bad attitude back to them -- try to replace their bad attitude with your good one by pointing out something positive. If it works, maybe they'll pass it along and if it fails, shrug and move on. After all, you're not responsible for them, only for yourself.

This is the easiest thing in the world; or it's the hardest. But the decision and the attitude are yours and yours alone.

[cdemackio]

My philosophy exactly. We have hormones that make us act in a reflexive way but our minds are more powerful. If you can wait a few moments before reacting to something your mind will be in control and you will be able to feel however you want to feel. Several times at work, a boss has said something about new policies or contract changes that I was absolutely not happy with. Normally, someone would get up and walk out or start an argument, but I chose to just smile and this really confused the boss. Soon after, I handed in my resignation and left the company with nothing lined up. Within a month I had a job that paid me almost double what the old company was paying and would never think about the unethical garbage the other company was handing me. Things always have a way of working out. If you choose to be happy and not sweat everything you'll have a happy successful life. If you choose to get angry about the garbage the world hands you then you are resisting the change that was meant to come. Just go with the flow of life and benefit for the silver linings.

[huffpostreader10000]

omg and your old boss wrote a nice letter of reference for you after your resignation?

[goodnews7]

I think most of us have gone though these feelings some time in our lives...really feels good when these negative feelings finally are resolved.

[Harvo]

Who's dragging me down ?
The same people that are dragging this whole country down.
Our worthless, stinking, slimey, greedy, belly-dragging government, that's who.

[tmac72]

my point is this, every situation is different but to discount any type therapy, or cognitive strategy is not really fair. In terms of your story about the IRAQ War breaking out...yes, it is normal to feel sad at the violence and war that was happening at that moment. A that same time kids were starving in Rwanda, being Murdered in Somalia, being beheaded in Saudi Arabia. You could go into a deep depression for months and each time someone came to offer advice you could hold up a newspaper article on one of these events and say "I am supposed to be sad, this is sad!" True. But noone said you have to spend your days focusing and thinking about those things...sadness is going to exist always...but if my friend whose mother abandoned him at two spent all of his days in a state of depression thinking about it 24/7...I would want someone to help him improve the quality of his life and experience...like the author is trying to do.
There is spiritual teacher out there, who I will not name, who was posed a question by a conference attendee who said "Wait a second. Being Sad, Angry, Normal is normal and OK and it is good to experience those feelings." His response was..."are you defending your right to be unhappy and unfulfilled? Don't worry, no one is going to take that right away from you."

[isjois]

You nailed the "greedy" part!

Too many people in our society are out for only themselves and their selfishness causes great difficulties for those of us not born into privilege.

[petef59]

You voted for 'government' which has been dominated by think-positive, never question authority, PRIVATE INDUSTRY & CORPORATE ELITE interests, for most of the last 4 decades.

[schatsie]

you are so correct, you know Reagun preached TRUST AND VERIFY, but of course the Republicans did not have to verify the insiders and now look where we are...We need a whole army of auditors to figure out the current reality and enforce it going forward....I laugh (and cry) when I hear about anyone auditing these health insurers....Each and every state has an insurance commisioner and look what good that has done us...Medicare is the best....