Surely you have had someone give you a half-hearted apology that left you feeling cold inside. In fact, haven't you been the one giving that "I'm-kind-of-sort-of-sorry" apology yourself? Apologizing just might be a very unique poison you take yourself and then wind up drinking with the other person.
Last week, we looked at the difference between forgiving the other person and forgiving yourself for having judged them in the first place. If you have ever "forgiven" the other person but still held on to whatever you found upsetting, then nothing really changed. You're still upset, if perhaps less so, and still blaming the other person as though they were the reason you're upset in the first place. Judgment is the poison that creates the upset more than the event itself.
How Toxic Apologies Can Make Things Worse
How could apologizing make things worse? If you have ever received one of those half-hearted apologies, how'd that make you feel? Just all kinds of relieved, I'm sure. How does it make you feel when you give one yourself?
Half-hearted apologies actually come from your Self-Talk. If you're new to this series on moving from Self-Talk to Soul-Talk, Self-Talk derives from those limiting beliefs and learned behaviors about life that often hold a self-critical or self-judgmental element to them. These inner criticisms and judgments often manifest in negative Self-Talk directed toward your own self (how stupid of me) or toward others (how stupid of them).
Haven't you ever found yourself apologizing for something you did or said that originated with one of those "how-stupid-of-me-or-them" judgments in the first place? You did or said something "stupid" yourself for which you now feel contrite and feel compelled to offer an apology of some sort, so you wind up making a kind of apology-lite. How do half-hearted apologies fit in with negative Self-Talk and where did you learn to give those "I'm-kind-of-sort-of-sorry" apologies to begin with?
Years ago (many years ago), when I was in a grad school child development class, we went to a local playground with a group of parents and their pre-school age children to observe both parent and child behaviors. Two children were playing in the sandbox I was observing. The little boy filled up his bucket with sand, toddled over to the little girl who was happily scooping up sand herself, and then proceeded to dump his bucket of sand all over the little girl.
As you can imagine, the little girl started to cry while the little boy scampered back to his other toys. The mother of the little boy stormed over to him, grabbed him by the arm, and scolded him, ending with "now you go over there and apologize." In a fit of malicious compliance, the little boy himself stormed over to the little girl and spat out a far less than meaningful, "I'm sorry," and returned to his toys. His mother, clearly not pleased with what she had just observed, grabbed him by the arm again, this time wagging an angry finger in his face, demanding that he "go back and apologize again, this time as though you mean it."
Talk about an education for life! Make certain your apologies are award-winning in nature, kind of the original fake it 'til you make it life lesson. And what did the Self-Talk learn? If you don't mean it and show you don't mean it, then fake it so you don't get in even more trouble. These kinds of fake apologies leave both parties feeling empty and become another form of poison that can be damaging to both of you. Dumped into your most meaningful relationships, toxic apologies foster distrust and divisiveness, leading to all manner of other even more toxic poisons you drink yourself hoping the other person will die, most notably resentment and criticism.
The Apology That Needs No Apology
An ordinary apology may not cut it for you or for the other person, even if you feel apologetic. The problem with an "apology" can be found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, where the first definition means "a formal justification" as in defense or excuse. Merriam-Webster also tells us that synonyms for apology include alibi, excuse, defense, justification, plea, and reason. Don't you just feel warm all over when someone dumps their defenses, justifications and excuses all over you?
Ordinary Self-Talk apologies, which rely on defenses, explanations and excuses, can become increasingly toxic because they wind up creating a form of unexpressed inner permission to offend again -- "Hey, I said I'm sorry, didn't I?" That kind of thinking and Self-Talk simply builds a wall of "he-doesn't-mean-what-he-says" into your communication channels, which can then bleed over to just about any relationship with anyone.
So, what do you do if you truly feel repentant for something you did or said? Rather than Self-Talk inspired apologies, what you really need is more of a Soul-Talk apology, one that derives from a Greek inspired term, metanoia. Metanoia comes from the Greek word meta, meaning "beyond or after," while noia comes from a word meaning "perception, understanding or mind." Merriam-Webster defines metanoia as "a transformative change of heart." If you are experiencing your own metanoia, if you truly think and know differently, you are sourcing your new-found knowledge from your heart, which is the seat of your Soul-Talk
Soul-Talk can become your own personal source of metanoia, something that stems from your heart, and something that is beyond perception or mind. If you truly do think and know differently, you are likely to spend a lot more time with your apology than simply offering another lame "I'm sorry." Instead, you might find yourself revealing what you have learned about yourself rather than simply focusing on the behavior for which you apologize and seek forgiveness.
I recently found myself upset about a series of unattractive financial outcomes that had their origins a few years back with some "stupid" decisions I had made. (Notice the critical Self-Talk.) In a classic case of "kick-the-dog" thinking, I wound up blasting a good friend over some trivial financial matter that required a bit of give and take for each of us. Instead of recognizing what was going on in the moment (remember, Soul-Talk comes in quiet tones), I took him to task over his intransigence. Only later did I recognize the quieter voice of my Soul-Talk showing me that I was taking my mistake out on him. So, rather than merely apologizing for my blame-oriented outburst, I shared with him how I had been upset about something completely unrelated and then wound up dumping my negative judgments about my self and my own thinking process onto him. Once I owned the fact that my upset had absolutely nothing to do with him, we were then able to have a much more important, blame-free conversation about our own differences.
Next week, we will delve ever deeper into the source of heart-felt wisdom and the corresponding courage it takes to operate from these deeper places of who you truly are.
In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you. What has been our experience with experiencing a transformative change of heart? How have you moved into greater compassion and understanding for yourself and others? Please do leave a comment here or drop me an email at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
If you want more information on how you can apply this kind of reframing to your life and to your job, about a few simple steps that may wind up transforming your life, please download a free chapter from my new book, "Workarounds That Work." You'll be glad you did.
You can buy "Workarounds That Work" here.
Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about my work by visiting my website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact me by e-mail at Russell (at) russellbishop.com.
For more by Russell Bishop, click here.
For more on mindfulness, click here.
Follow Russell Bishop on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_Bishop
Janice Harper: Breaking Up Is Weird to Do
The Perfect Apology - A Guide to Personal and Business Apologies.
5 Steps to an Effective Apology | PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self ...
How to Apologize for Your Mistakes | The Art of Manliness
How To Apologize to a Woman | Psychology Today
Seven Rules on How to Apologize | Alphamom
In the case of the sandbox, perhaps the little girl had done or said something that made the boy feel justified in throwing sand. Or maybe he just thought it would be funny. Perhaps he knew or sensed that the mother's main reason for demanding an apology was so that she wouldn't look bad to the other mothers more than a genuine concern for the little girl's welfare. (Children can sese hypocrisy in a quick second.)
It's tough being a mom, I know. Just trying to give a little insight into the child's point of view. To quote the dog whisperer (forgive the analogy), "if you know why the dog is acting that way, it's easy to fix."
I am sick at heart about it and feel strongly that I should apologize, really apologize. Problem? I am furiously angry at the man who repeated what I said. Was I wrong for saying it? Absolutely.
But seriously, he only repeated it to hurt both of us. And he succeeded.
The Soul-Talk side of me recognizes the truth and is comfortable speaking about it, without shame or blame getting in the way. It is no sin to be humanly myself, screwing up sometimes. No-one seems to mind. We have all been there.
Forgiving myself, and feeling grateful for who I am, opens the doors for a change of heart to take place. The rest becomes much easier.
I have been at the end of an insincere apology which ended a friendship. Twice. I can apologize sincerely however when you are faced with a person who refuses to accept responsibility for their actions and apologize for them anything you say or do truly only matters to you. Which in the end is at least is something.
Example. I once was a jealous boyfriend and even though I'd apologize (Self-Talk) for my actions and accusations every time my girlfriend went out with friends I fell victim to the same behaviors and feelings. I was kidding myself. It wasn't until I honestly changed my heart and apologized to myself for having those notions in the first place that I became comfortable with it. She in turn apologized (Soul-Talk) to me for not being more understanding while I grew as an understanding man. I'm happy to report that jealousy is no longer an issue in our relationship. And you better believe that I married that girl =D
Hard as it may be to interact with other people sometimes, we can always find truth in ourselves.
Too many people use it willingly as a personal marketing meme -- the "its easier to ask forgiveness than persmission" set -- and they are TOXIC. Get them out of your life. If you have a boss like that change jobs, its easier than you might think.
i am quick tempered by nature, and have learned to control it, as its me, not everyone else. if i shoot off at the mouth i am not doing anyone any favors, but somewhere along the way you learn its a good way to get what you want -- make a scene and people give you things to get you to go away. your friend could stand to learn what it means to be a friend and you should let her know her behavior hurts you. if she is even remotely empathic she should understand. if she isn't empathetic give her directions to the local tea party meeting -- misery loves company.
Also-- I would ask the question-- "How do you think your action made that other person feel? How would you feel if you had been them?" So-- suggesting EMPATHY. Again-- a quality I feel will serve them well.
With myself-- I always saw it as stubborness, but as I read this, maybe not. I refuse to apologize to anyone unless I genuinely feel I owe them one-- and want to make it. The result is my apologies are heartfelt & real. I can also then be HONEST about what I did, which a false apology generally doesn't include. That sort of apology, I find, goes a long way to help heal the hurt I may have caused-- and to reconnect the relationship.
Without empathy we are all sunk. My parents are very selfish and lacking in empathy -- I have watched it eat them alive. Its a hard lesson they will never learn though.
One thing that separates a self-talk apology from a soul-talk statement is simply how I feel. When I feel humbled, when I know that the apology is meant as much for the receiver as for me, when it is given freely as a gift, then I know that I'm coming from a place of pure intention. I'm happy to say that I live in a space of greater compassion and understanding each and every day. Cheers! Kaarina