The Blame Game: It's Time To Take Responsibility

Last week, we talked about the myth of control and how the pursuit of control prevents people from making real choices. We built on the timeless advice of the Greek Stoic philosopher, Epictetus: it's not what happens to you but how you respond that matters.

This kind of thinking can be quite challenging to apply, primarily because of two key elements: huge impacts by conditions outside our control and having to take responsibility for our own current situation.

Many of us have been impacted in significant ways brought on by circumstances we did not create. There's no argument here on this one.

Sure, some of us followed amped up illusions of ever greener pastures and so wound up making choices that have contributed to our own demise. (How many people swallowed the illusion that they could somehow afford that house with all borrowed money on interest rates that were only going to last six months?)

However, there continue to be a huge number of impacts over which most of us have no control, other than how we respond.

That leads us to the next and perhaps even greater challenge - many of us find this kind of advice challenging because it brings responsibility (the ability to respond) right back in our face.

Please keep in mind that responsibility as I have continuously used the word in these articles, refers to the ability to respond. It is not about blame. It simply recognizes that no matter what happens to me, I have the ability to make choices about how I respond, and I'm the one who is going to have to make those choices.

(And, by the way, those choices will have consequences as well, positive or negative. So, choose with awareness, not just hope.)

As we go through this economic train wreck, many are tempted to blame someone - the banks, the Bush administration, Clinton before him, Reagonomics, capitalism in general and any of a hundred different people and institutions. The only problem with blame is that you can blame until the cows come home and at the end of all the blaming, you will still be faced with the problem you are experiencing.

If anyone is going to get you out of this mess, it will most likely be you! The same holds true for me and the impacts I'm experiencing. Not the government. Not the liberal form of government. Not the conservative form of government. Not some charitable organization. Not a new employer with guaranteed business success.

Just me. Just you. Little old me. Little old you.

It's going to come down to choices I make, choices you make. The shortsighted amongst us will complain (there's that complain/blame game again), that little old me, little old you can't fix the economy, the banking system, world hunger or poverty in general.

True enough. However, no matter how bleak the situation, there are still things I can do about my current circumstance. It is unlikely that any single choice I make will solve the whole problem or repair my damaged job, housing, savings, or general living situation. However, without the next step, how are things going to improve? Without doing whatever I can about my circumstances, what am I supposed to do?

Complain about how unfair this is? Go ahead, complain until you turn blue and see what changes.

Of course, you could always sit there and take pot shots at steps that some people are taking to move forward. I love the folks who have jeered the job creation efforts in the UK and Europe following the crash of heavy industry in the late 1970's and 1980's. Their principle complaints? The new jobs didn't completely make whole the lost jobs; many of the new jobs only lasted a relatively short period of time; and the like.

The point isn't about finding a permanent cure for what ails you - the point is about taking a positive step toward a solution. The point isn't about finding perfection, it's about finding direction. Even more so, the point is about taking action to move in the direction you might prefer. And then taking the next step after that.

Problematically, many of us been sucked into complacency, sitting back waiting for someone else to fix the problem. Even more problematic, many of us have succumbed to a form of self-induced weakness, wherein we trade away our ability to make choices and act on them for the feel-good-by-feeling-bad mentality of blaming and complaining.

Want to make a difference in your own life? How about starting by making a list of all the things you could do that would earn an extra $5 for you and your family. When you get done with that list, make one that includes things you could do to earn an extra $50. And then one on $500. And then $5,000. Go as far as you like with this idea.

When you get done, pick a couple that you can imagine actually doing, and then go do them. Don't worry about getting anything done perfectly, just get moving. Don't worry about finding the perfect solution. Just get moving. Once you get moving, you will begin to gather some information about what works for you, what you seem to be better suited to do, and then find another next step you can take.

None of this perfect. It's not meant to be. It's about taking action as best you can with what you have wherever you happen to find yourself.

You may be surprised at what you learn by taking even the most simple of steps. Next week, we will look at another great myth, the myth of stability.

***

You can find out more about Russell Bishop at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell at: [e-mail]

The author of Lessons in the Key of Life, Russell is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California.

Comments

[Bettysdad]

Feel-good snake oil salesman.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

If anyone is going to get you out of the recession it's likely to be...you! Yes indeed.

I am someone that lost a marriage, business and health in 18 months a decade ago. So, I know first hand that it is possible to bounce back and bounce better.

I hope that we all pick up and use your very important message.

[Over50WhiteWoman]

Loved this!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's time to quit our crying and get busy! Yes, still need accountability--but we aren't all in a position to bring justice. The rest of us can get thinking of creative ways out of the fiasco. Get a haircut! Buy a single new piece of clothing--cheap clothing. Then start a garden this year--a Fix-the-Economy garden. You can can or freeze whatever you need for your own family, then give away--or even sell--the rest. Either way, you help the economy. What else? Start a home-based business--clean houses, iron clothes, walk dogs, care for the sick in their homes, be an elderly companion, upholster furniture, build birdhouses to sell on e-bay, babysit for more affluent neighbors, wash windows, clean your basement and have a garage sale. Whew! Need more ideas? Just have a cup of java and get thinking--if everyone would do these things, this crisis will end. We don't need Wall Street or the banks to get out of this. Gov't must help--but in the end, it's really up to us!

[dadw5boys]

Life is to short to spend blaming others. If there is a problem there is something that needs doing. Get yourself busy being postitive. Blame will reach those who are responsible for problems without your wasting time to even think of who is to blame.

Rmember making mistakes is how you learn !

[Bettysdad]

"Life is to short to spend blaming others."

I guess you'd get rid of the entire judicial and regulatory system.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey Bettysdad: perhaps you missed the point - it's about what CAN YOU do about the situation you may find yourself in. Years ago, when I was an intern in a counseling center, I had a young client who went into a yelling, screaming, tantrum. Having read about a therapist who tried s mirroring technique, I started my own tantrum - yelling, screaming, etc. After a couple of minutes, the client got very quiet and asked what I was doing. I told him that apparently yelling and screaming was supposed to solve problems, and, having a few of my own, I was giving tantrums a go to see if they worked for me. Needless to say, the conversation changed.

We can all sit around blaming all the obvious culprits, and I do believe their are many who are culpable, and yet, at the end of the day, we can blame perfectly and still wind up with the problems in front of us. So, rather than spin cycles on blaming, I'd suggest that we get busy doing what we can to improve the situation. Even if it is a micro step, if it makes a difference, you are better off than you were before. Get off your complaints and start doing something!

[mamacat]

First, good post..

However, I disagree with you on some points.
Russell, when you say that laying blame can be unproductive, it makes me think that it is also true that not laying blame can be very unproductive.

I am one who thinks that the policies of Reagonomics, taken to their logical extreme, have caused the economic and foreign policy disasters that we find ourselves in. Thus, I believe that it is necessary to lay blame in order to fix the current disasters and to prevent or at least ameliorate future disasters.

To declare that our future is in our own hands, without also declaring the importance of finding out and effecting the external reality impacting our daily lives, is not as productive as combining the two goals. One, without the other, is useless.

[graffen48]

Interesting point you make, and I agree with the Reagonomics part thoroughly, but i think the point is its ok to blame something that happens beyond our control, just don't dwell on it, and use it as an excuse for doing nothing.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Mama: thanks for your comment. I love the respectful way you raise your thoughts and concerns. If only we get everyone in this debate to rise to this level!

On blaming: I'm big on accountability, especially personal accountability. The value in recognizing how things got to where they are has less to do with identifying who the bad guys are, and, indeed, there are plenty out there, and more to do with learning lessons so we can take more proactive steps toward creating the future we prefer while lowering the likelihood that we will repeat earlier mistakes.

Thanks again for joining the conversation.

[DennyCrane]

Thank you so much for posting this. I see so many people who are unhappy with their lives that do nothing but complain. They' ve convinced themselves that nothing can be done. But no matter how powerless we may feel at times, there's always something we can do. Maybe the progress will be slow and we'll encounter setbacks. But at least we're doing something. I could look at my life and be unhappy with my job or my housing situation. I could tell myself that there are no others jobs out there and that'll I'll never be able to find an affordable home. But what does that complaining accomplish. After wasting all that energy whining about my life, I'll be right back where I am now. No one's life ever turns out the way they hoped. But being able to move forward is a sign of strength. Just think of the great pioneers in history. Think of how many times they failed to achieve one of their goals. Where would we be if someone like Edison gave up on inventing the lightbulb or the Wright brothers gave up on flying. So many of us our worst enemy, because we convince ourselves we can't do something so then we do nothing, except complain about we can't do anything.

[brandnewstuff]

The is a defining differnece between responsibilty and criminal culpabilty and due to the ERA of GWB The later is easy with burden of proof, if the facts are straight and time to do black and white- aka accounting fraud- then May the Strong hand of truth be shown to a bluffer and others to bear witness and scorn such untruths

[feyangel]

I pretty much agree with the concepts of this article . . . and I find myself also agreeing that BOTH taking responsibility for one's own part of any particular mess-- AND holding others accountable for their contribution-- are important. I also find myself contemplating how all the “Ask and It Is Given”-- you can create anything you want if you just "GO FOR IT"-- don't let the outside world/circumstances/limiting beliefs dictate what you can have or achieve-- "act-as-if"/fake-it-til-you-make-it -- teachings & mentality may contribute to the lack of a sense of practical reality that many people exhibit these days. I have sometimes found it easy to feel that I was "limiting" myself and what I could create, if I didn't think big, go for it and ASSUME the support/ resources I needed to accomplish/create what I wanted would come in, and that things would unfold as I envisioned them. Many times what I wanted did come in for a while, and then it would collapse and disappear, perhaps because it was based on a "fantasy," in a sense—or, at the very least, wishful thinking. I haven't quite finished my contemplations, so I don't have much to say about this right now. But I find it irksome when I see myself or others “stretching” to manifest “dreams,” and then basically being chastised as impractical for doing that. Perhaps we need lessons in balancing “going for our dreams,” and living in a practical reality here.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Feyangel: thanks so much for your comments here. Indeed, I have bumped into any number of fake-it-til-you-make-it (con)artists out there. There's a huge difference between positive thinking, which can be quite delusional, and postive focus, which helps me direct my energy INTO POSITIVE, PRACTICAL ACTION. What I hear you asking about is the difference between hoping things will work out if I only keep a positive frame of mind and having a positive focus coupled with doing the actual work necessary. Dreams are great; dreams coupled with appropriate, directed work are much more likely to come true. The old story about the harder I work, the luckier I get seems very true. All of these clever little sayings have a basis in reality; however, the saying is not enough. As you note above, you can assume that support will be available, and that's not necessarily bad - as long as you keep doing what it takes to both support yourself and do what it takes to find the support you need. Part of the collapse and disappear problem is that nothing sustains itself without a constant resupply of energy and work.

And, no matter how much you create for yourself, there will be those all too willing to tear it down, primarily so they don't hav e to risk getting off their own duffs to create what they truly want. Go for it means know where you are going and do the work necessary.

[lewes17266]

We have experienced so much unfairness, many disappointments, and a lot of loss that has made me want to curl up in a fetal position and just weep, overwhelmed by hopelessness and helplessness, but my husband remains strong and steady always and he never complains or blames. He calls it "managing" the situation and he is all about finding solutions. He can look at every circumstance in a practical and calm manner, where I go to pieces. It is amazing to see him restore order in times of confusion. I don't think he even thinks about it much or sees himself as having special qualities. He never makes declarations about what the outcome will be, he just takes on the task and in the end we always come out fine.
Today's lesson about responsibility, or "the ability to respond," has his name written all over it. Where I am under the influence of my own emotions, he just deals with the ups and downs of living like its a business to be managed.

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Boy is this a great post with 'cut to the chase' dose of reality we all need.

I have seen republican friends of mine sit back and point fingers at President Obama- playing the blame game while refusing to consider the impact of their impassivity.

Partisan politics, elitism and blind consumerism are quickly moving out of fashion. For so many, the humbling tumble down the ladder, into taking an hourly job, is sobering and real.

Like it or not, penny pinching is back for us all and it is so true, Russell, that playing the blame game will sink this ship. Time to move on.
Thanks for the post!

[peterg76]

Accept responsibility, but if someone is genuinely to blame, hold them to account. No reason not to do both.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Peter:

if responsibility means the ability to respond, accountabilty means the ability to count. They work together, pretty much seemlessly. I am response-able, I make my choices (responses), and an accounting of outcome will take place. Some of the accounting may take place in legal terms, some may be more spread out over time (what goes around, comes around). I'm not in favor of much of what has transpired and agree that many deserve the opportunit to reap what they have sown. Some of this has been criminal, and some just base levels of greed and avarice taken to an extreme. No matter what the circumstance, each of us must exercise our ability to respond so that we can create the order we wish, restore the order that has been lost, and bring a better life to ourselves and to others.