You Can Never Get Enough Of What You Don't Really Want

Several weeks ago, at the urging of a good friend, I embarked on this series about aspiring to an inspired life. My piece two weeks ago, "Are You Doomed By Your Circumstances?" struck a chord, and many people responded, some complaining that many really are trapped by circumstances. That lead me to challenge our thinking about what choices we actually have in a variety of situations. "Why Positive Thinking Just Doesn't Work" emphasized that good thoughts alone are insufficient, that positive actions are also required.

Well, this one opened up the floodgates. Many of you left comments and dropped me emails thanking me for the post, with all manner of wonderful anecdotes about how you have applied these lessons in your life.

Then there's the other side of the spectrum. Some of you got pretty hot, accusing me of being anything from disingenuous to insensitive. One character called me a snake oil salesman for even suggesting that one could do something positive about difficult circumstances.

Some apparently missed the point, taking me to task for being "critical" of those in difficult situations. Some went deep into the weeds on how difficult life is for the disabled, the jobless, and others in various forms of "down and out."

The whole point of these articles is that for just about any condition in which we may find ourselves, there are always more choices to be made. As difficult as things may be, there's almost always something we can do to improve. Anyone can point out the extreme situations where even the most positive thinking person will struggle to find a way out.

That's not the point - most of us aren't living in these kinds of extremes. Most of us have more opportunity and more choices than we allow ourselves to consider.

Fundamentally, the most important choice any of us can make when confronted with life challenges is how we respond.

One reader who got it, wrote:

When I stop dwelling on my (less than desirable) circumstances and start taking action to change those circumstances, I find that positive things happen to me. Not always huge, life altering positive things, but positive things nevertheless. Conversely, I have noted that people who concede defeat before they have really begun the battle maintain a negative attitude, and thus do not experience the joy of positive results.

Some went off on my use of the word "responsibility," railing against me for "blaming the victim." I understand that common usage has changed the word to mean fault. However, as I have written in the past, the word is best used to mean "response-able," or, having the "ability to respond." In just about any circumstance, you will have the ability to respond. Sometimes, the choices are more narrow than most of us can ever imagine, and yet the choices are there. How you choose and how you respond just may make all the difference.

Some went nuts because I referenced examples of others who have dealt with adversity in remarkable ways, ranging from holocaust survivor Viktor Frank to W Mitchell who has created a great life despite nearly being burned to death and then becoming paralyzed. The complaint this time? That these are isolated examples of people with some combination of luck and being super human.

Kind of interesting, and perhaps a glimpse into what has become an increasing part of our national psyche these days: when offered useful thought about how to improve your experience of life, the critics come out to say this doesn't work. If we point to examples from third parties, the critics dismiss the examples as unusual or super human.

Probably the best was the reader who wrote:

Who are you to tell people they're doing it wrong if they can't seem to apply your tenets with success? How disrespectful. The very first rule - if I may - for meaningful existence on this planet is not to judge. And your essay reveals a whole lot of negative judgment. I shudder to think what you would tell people who endured the Holocaust or other more recent historical tragedies.

A great example of missing the point, to be sure: examples of choice, response-ability, and positive focus leading to positive action aren't my tenets; rather, they are universal truths that existed way before I wrote about them. Her complaint about Holocaust survivors is just amazing in that not only have I worked quite successfully with dozens of Holocaust survivors myself, but I cited Viktor Frankl who wrote of his responsibility (ability to respond) as being a chief reason he was able to survive the concentration camps. She dismissed this as well.

With so much misunderstanding in place, and an apparent willingness to attack anything positive, let's regroup here and take a good look at the fundamental elements of the message I am trying to bring to these pages.

You Can Make a Positive Difference in Your Life

If you don't agree with this statement, probably no need to read any further.

Making a positive difference doesn't mean you have to wind up at the top of some pyramid. It just means taking a step or two, both internally or attitudinally and then physically in the direction of your desired improvement. Conditions may continue to change with each step along the way, and more choices will be presented. Keep noticing, keep choosing, keep supporting your own improvement.

However, you better be clear on the next piece of advice.

You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don't Really Want

Here I paraphrase longshoreman philosopher Eric Hoffer, from whom I lifted the title for this article. Hoffer encouraged people to know the difference between their material focus and what will ultimately make them happy.

My first article on the HuffPost last summer, started off suggesting that there's a difference between the things most people try to create in their lives and why they want them in the first place, between their quantitative focus and the qualitative experience they seek. The critical element is to look underneath the object of your focus to a deeper level of meaning.

Get Clear On What You Want and Why You Want It

My contention is that what people most want out of life is pretty common across peoples everywhere: the experience of freedom, security, joy, loving, peace, etc. Naturally, these come into focus after basic needs have been met, including food, water, shelter, and safety.

Having worked with thousands of people all over the world, in just about every circumstance you can imagine, I am quite clear on the difference between struggling for basic subsistence, and working to improve the quality of life once these basics have been handled.

It is unlikely that the homeless or deeply impoverished will be reading this article. So, let's not go to some extreme in attacking these ideas or suggestions because extreme conditions exist. Instead, if you care about the homeless, the hungry or the deeply impoverished, why not consider how you could use these ideas to either improve your own circumstances so you are in a better position to help, or how you can use these ideas in whatever volunteer work you already do?

Know the Difference Between a Goal and an Aspiration

There are any number of goals you might have in life, ranging from finding a job to winning an Olympic medal to becoming the world's richest person. I think goals are fine, and they aren't really anything of much lasting value, at least most of the time. If this isn't clear already, consider this: ever want something in life, focus on it with great intensity, work like crazy to get it, and once you "succeed," find yourself wondering why you ever wanted it in the first place?

If your goals rise above these more simplistic measures of physical world success, you may find yourself shifting into something characterized by inspiration and aspiration. Aspiration and inspiration share a common etymology from the Latin and old French referencing a form of divine awareness, sometimes called "a quickening" or "the breath of life." For these purposes, I will simply refer to inspiration and aspiration as being divinely focused, of a higher mind or higher purpose.

Are your goals or life aspirations of a higher purpose? If so, to what do you aspire? What choices will you need to make in order to enable or allow that higher purpose to come through?

Get Real and Focus Positively

Even if you prefer to stay more focused on physical level goals, it is critically important to understand the power of a positive focus coupled with a good dose of reality.

I may want to run a marathon in 2:10 and while there may be some theoretic possibility, the probability is beyond laughable for someone my age. A goal has to be at least 50% believable for you to even give yourself "half a chance" of succeeding - otherwise, you are likely to give up before even getting started.

If you do have a goal that is within some bound of reason, then you really better get your positive focus working. Positive focus means staying aware of, and committed to, the outcome and to the work necessary to get there. Your focus on a positive outcome may be the only thing that pulls you through the challenges you will face along with way.

Positive Focus is NOT the Same as Positive Thinking

In this reference, positive thinking is somewhere between wishful thinking and pretending that things are just fine.

If you just lost your job, found out you have cancer, or have become homeless, there's very little that many will call positive about the circumstances and no amount of "positive thinking" will change the present conditions. However, without some positive thought, the kind that looks for a way to improve, you will be unlikely to create sufficient energy or motivation to work through the situation.

A positive focus is required to find ways to improve, recognizing that any step forward is better than staying stuck in the rut of hopelessness.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With the First Step

You are surely aware of this famous quotation from Lao-tzu. I have found that it is helpful to add a bit more to this. How long is a thousand mile journey? How many steps will it take?

The cute but true answer: it will take as many steps as it takes. Will there be detours? What do you do if the bridge is out? Would you rather go around the mountains or up and over?

On any path to improvement, there will be unforeseen challenges, new discoveries, and perhaps even adjustments to the goal.

The point of all this is to set yourself on a direction of improvement, notice what happens along the way, and continue to take those steps. Sure, obstacles will appear, and unforeseen difficulties are likely to occur. So, what should you do when these show up?

None of this works perfectly nor does it work the same for each person. However, one thing I can guarantee: none of this will work if you don't try!

There's more to come on this theme. Please let me know your thoughts, questions, concerns or suggestions, either by leaving a comment below, or by sending me an email. I will be away for two weeks, but you can follow me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/inspiredguy

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You can find out more about Russell Bishop at http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com. Contact Russell at: [e-mail]

Russell is an Educational Psychologist, professional life coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California.

Comments

[NeuronOutlaw]

Another dimension to what you are writing is that when considering thoughts and feelings, when you don't want them, they have you. You are right on with response-ability. There is always a choice to respond.

[Sarah Triebel]

Also, try the book "The North Star" by Peter Reynolds. It is a picture book that explains young and old, that we are each on our own path and that we most find our stars that guide us. I read it each year with my students to help them create positive learning goals for the year.

[Sarah Triebel]

I am a teacher and our principal is always saying "American's love change, until you ask them to change something in their own life." How true is that.... when people are asked or suggested to try and see the positive side of their life, they automatically say it can't be done, or it's too difficult....Think about what image this sends our children.

[bluecollarblogger]

But Now people are developing a strong sense of self. Politically and socially, the ideas of self-ownership, individual liberty, and personal responsibility are growing. While our economy does away with life-long and unchanging jobs individuals are continually learning new trades and talents to make a living. We are confronted with a vast number of ideas—moral, political, philosophical, religious, artistic—the need to choose between them and find our own identity becomes more important. The number of options, possibilities, and distractions grows; the need for clear self-direction intensifies in our lives. The value of individual liberty, personal responsibility, and respect for us is even more important. I agree that I need to know what I want in life, that I need to know the purpose of my existence and my journey but I first have to overcome all the external influences which for so long have tainted the ideology of me owning my self and my own direction in life.

[bluecollarblogger]

I agree that I own my body, my mind, and my life. I believe that everyone owns himself, even though many people act otherwise and want others to control them in some way. Self-ownership is a way of controlling and setting the destiny of our lives. Self-ownership has not been seen as a virtue or a desirable principle though. Self denial and blending with society is the norm. Most of our society have been taught and usually believed that they were owned by a god and should change their beliefs and values to those of religious or cultural powers around us... The belief that the needs of the group are more important than the individual—have persuaded all of us to give up our personal liberty and responsibility. Altruism has created a wall to the ethical and personal needs of self-ownership. Women, children, slaves, and servant in our society were taught obedience, not self-ownership, or even self-respect, or self-development. . today’s democracies embody the idea that we all rule each other rather than owning and ruling only ourselves

[huffpostreader10000]

Our DNA and combination of countless subtle and not-so-subtle external factors determine how each of us will respond to adverse conditions. No big news. Depression does have a genetic component, so why can't the victim mentality also have at least some genetic component? While the principles outlined in these articles seem sound, the ease with which they are applied in real life will vary from person to person - some will succeed quickly while others who are predisposed to being shy and anxious will need some extra support and time.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

I am quite convinced that if you want to associate Russell Bishop to one of the two sides in nature vs nurture, you would find him firmly arguing that neither nature nor nurture fully DETERMINES how we respond. And that we choose instead, at least we could more often than not.

And there's nothing in contradiction with scientific evidence about that. So far nobody has even remotely succeeded in explaining why either DNA or even as many external factors as you wish really determine what we do or even how we react. Unless of course you include all context descriptions in minute detail, in which case the statement is empty and useless.

The process of conscious choice is itself strongly influenced by previous experience. Preferences build slowly. But even then, they are not always what really makes us arrive at our decision. And they shouldn't be.

[Social Construct]

Forgive me, but I got lost half way through your comment. It sounds interesting but I am unable to unwind a meaning simple enough for my poor brain to decipher. Truly, I am not being demeaning or attempting to offend in any way, I am simply at a loss of understanding something that I do want to divine.

[brooklyncitizen]

This is a good reminder.
I've found that when we react strongly to something it's because it is pushing our buttons.I had coffee with a woman the other day, graphic designer, to discuss some work I needed. She shared some personal things about her life and the fact that her husband left her...she was so stuck on the fact that he made a commitment and broke it...and sounded like a kid saying "you promised!".

I blurted out that I thought marriage was overrated and her response was "interesting".LOL
In any case it was clear that her reaction was about her and her situation and not about what I said.

[Moliere]

i like the title. it sure applies to those with an addictive personality with regard to alcohol, junk food, cigarettes... "one is too many and a million is not enough."

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Makes perfect sense to me and has been oft reported to work. And although human struggles and threats may have changed and names for these methods have changed as well, they are still the 'undoing' or 'isolation' devices that can help overcome repitition compulsion and in lucky cases, trauma. With the costs and dangers that you mention: for example when positive focus is mistaken to mean pretending that things are just fine.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Like when you force yourself to correct misspellings: repetition, not repitition.

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Nice post. I would prefer to see an explanation or even an alternate phrasing rather than an imaginative reinterpretation of a word. You could have simply said you meant that a person is responsible for how they respond to events rather then redefining responsibility to mean: "response-able," or, having the "ability to respond."

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Sorry, MagnusFrater: the formation of responsible as response-able is an old one, going back at least to the 1950's and most often attributed to the legendary gestalt psychologist, Fritz Perls. Of course, I seem to have glossed over the fact that not everyone will have studied gestalt psychology. My bad.

[etiennemacchias]

Ooh, burn...

[Spinsterina]

Watch the documentary "I Like Killing Flies" to see an example of a guy who decides to face his sudden challenge to his small business by letting go of who and where he's been his whole life and taking a big chance on a new venture. Very inspiring and encouraging.

[wedgie]

I recently was encouraged to move beyond what in my case was defined as a "victim mindset" and instead view myself as a "creator" or creative person.

It's done wonders for my world view.

[MadOzbo]

This series is invaluable to promote internal contemplation, as well as providing motivation for self-awareness. We truly DO make our own happiness, as it is an internal mechanism than no external circumstance can affect, unless we CHOOSE to let it do so.

I apologize for the butchered posting...I can't count 250 words, evidently, and am "yappy" to boot. Please edit as you see fit. Thx.

[MadOzbo]

The silly nay-sayers have given you with a great opportunity to better condense and focus your message. You've done an admirable job of rising to the challenge. Thank you.

I'm 52, and after at least 36 years of trying to make my world magically better through positive thinking, visualization, countless lists, charts and plans, I finally am starting to see the simple truth and honesty in what you write.

The key word here that I think you need to emphasize a bit more, is "CHOOSE."

As the saying goes, "you're only as happy at any one moment as you CHOOSE to be." There're people at the far extremes of existence, without safety, or food, or shelter, and among them, all is not miserable. Regardless the circumstances, many humans manage to find SOMETHING to appreciate about Life. It's often only the callous and tunnel-visioned, who can't even perceive the concept of anything positive except for what they approve of. They CHOOSE to condemn you for even attempting to help anyone else...Such the pity.

We CHOOSE to smile or frown. We CHOOSE to wallow in self-pity, or to set our jaws and progress forward throughout Life. We CHOOSE to love ourselves and each other, or to rudely and cruelly judge and condemn the efforts to enjoy what happiness DOES present itself, even in the darkest of times...

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi MAd Ozbo: thanks for weighing in on this. Indeed, choice is critical I think that awareness comes first, followed by response-ability, then comes choice, which produces consequence or accountability. And we're back at awareness again. Here are two earlier posts of mine on choice and one on accountability that you may find interesting:

8/11/2008 Post: How to choose when the road forks
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/cycle-of-improvement-5-ti_b_117983.html

8/25/2008 Post: Victim Accountable
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/keys-to-life-how-to-move_b_120837.html

9/1/2008 Post: Are you choosing or just complaining
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/keys-to-life-are-you-choo_b_122795.html

Blessings to you!

[rjhuntington]

How well said. Indeed, quality of life is in the choosing of the individuals living the experiences.

Two celebrants at opposite ends of town are presented with identical elaborately decorated cakes. One is pleased; the other is not. Each points to the cake as the reason for their affect. Only some of each celebrant's guests agree with their celebrant.

Each celebrant and each guest sets their own feeling tone, happy or not, according to their chosen beliefs about the circumnstances at hand and their chosen reactions based on those beliefs, all for their own reasons.

It really is in the choosing.

[feyangel]

Well said!

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Inspired Guy,

So very good this post. Thank you!

What most catches my eye is the emphasis about seeing choices in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. The worst thing for me is feeling stuck, with absolutely nothing I can see to do. That is like prison.

The inspiration and aspiration can start with the first breath - a bit of respiration. Breathing and relaxing can show me the important first next step to getting free of the stuckness, in my experience. Since I anticipate continuing breathing, I can give it my attention. And in return for the awareness, it delivers to me insight. The ability to respond is a precious gift.

Your inspirations are welcome. I look forward to what comes next.

Blessings to you,
Anne

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Anne. Always great to see you on these pages and your posts on the weekends are superb!