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Dating The Very Young: A Comprehensive Guide

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I haven't ever dated anyone younger than myself. My last boyfriend was sixteen years older than me. The guy before that eight years older. 'Older' men - and by older, I mean men in their late thirties, early forties - are excellent to date because they are racked with insecurities about their looks, sexual performance and youthful competition, hence they tend to make an enormous effort to be nice to you lest you run off with the teenage pool-boy.

They are - making a huge, sweeping generalization here - usually financially stable and confident about their careers. They've been trained by previous girlfriends, saving you the time and effort of housebreaking your new pet. They are less likely to fuck around, because they got that out of their system in their twenties, and gone are the days when they had the ability or inclination to fuck three times a day. Three times a week is pushing the boat out here.

Dating 'yoof' however, is an unknown quantity. So when I was asked out by a guy five years younger than myself I embarked upon some research. I asked several men and women in between the ages of 21 and 25, what male yoof desire in a woman. What are their interests? What do they look for in a date?

Here are my results.

Men between the ages of 21 and 25 are interested in:

1. Youtube

2. Free music

3. NGO's

4. Obscure bands

5. French knickers (NOT g-strings or granny panties)

6. Girls who are friends with members of obscure bands

7. Girls who are friends with DJ's

8. Skinny jeans

9. Eclectic hats

10. Girls who can buy them drinks and / or cigarettes

Thus prepared, I embarked upon my first date with a yoof named James.

James and I met in an eclectic bar full of eclectic people wearing skinny jeans, leather jackets and pork-pie hats. Girls were predominantly attired in vintage clothing. My survey had not alerted me to this fact. I instantly felt disadvantaged.

James apologized because he only had $3 in his bank account, otherwise he would have bought me a drink. I had $7 in my bank account, so I ended up buying one drink and we shared it. When we had drawn this out for 90 minutes, we sat in my car because James had roommates, and I had roommates, so we had no place to go.

James inquired what kind of music I liked. I managed to slip in the name of an obscure British band, a member of which my sister had once snogged in 2003. James was impressed. He admired my skinny jeans and my eclectic hat, and thanked me for buying him a drink. We talked for a little about a Muppets version of the Peaches song on Youtube, and James didn't seem to hold it against me that I hadn't traded in my granny panties for french knickers.

We made a date for the following evening - location: my car.

Conclusions drawn from date: the yoof need to date people in their late thirties, early forties, as they need looking after. But the yoof make up for uselessness in earnest romanticism and strangely endearing hopelessness. Yoof have ways of phrasing things which are confusing, eg "Do you like slo-jam?" meaning "Turn the radio station to 107.5 please".

I shall persist in dating yoof for novelty value, but I shall marry old.

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