02/27/2014 02:03 pm ET | Updated Apr 29, 2014

Detroit Is Better Than Any Other U.S. City And Here's Proof

Snapshot 2:26:14 2:09 PM Detroit's problems are well documented, but did you know that Detroit is better than every other major city? It's true, and here's proof for all you miserable haters out there...

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Detroit Is Better Than Phoenix

Phoenix may have constant sunshine, but it's hard to appreciate it when you're blindfolded in the trunk of some kidnapper's Hyundai. Phoenix is the kidnapping capital of America, and some say it has the second most in the world behind only Mexico City.

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Detroit Is Better Than San Francisco

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Estately real estate search
The home pictured above is currently the cheapest house for sale in San Francisco ($379,000).

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Estately Real Estate Search
In Detroit, for the same price, you could buy the house above ($32,500) and TEN more just like it. That's more than one for each day of the week! The median home price in Detroit is lower than the median family income, and housing prices are expected to rise dramatically in the next few years so buying in Detroit now could be a good investment.

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Detroit Is Better Than Los Angeles

a904iw Constant sunshine is great unless you're routinely trapped in your oven-like car, which you no doubt are in Los Angeles because it has the worst traffic in the country. Los Angeles drivers wasted an astounding 63.3 hours stuck in traffic last year. Detroit drivers were only stuck for 14.4 hours.

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Detroit Is Better Than Miami


Wikimedia Commons
Both Detroit and Miami have a pro team in each of the four major leagues (NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA). However, Miami has won just seven professional sports championships, while Detroit has won 22. The Tigers won the World Series four times, the Pistons won three NBA titles, the Lions won four championships (pre-Super Bowl), and the NHL Red Wings have won 11 championships. That's the fourth most of any city.

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Detroit Is Better Than New York

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Wikimeida Commons
For a family of four in New York City, the annual budget is $94,676 -- that's 40.8 percent higher than a similar Detroit family ($67,255). From gas and apartments to restaurants and groceries, everything is pricier in New York City.

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Detroit Is Better Than Seattle


In Seattle, a hot dog comes with onions and cream cheese because apparently they think a bun is a bagel and a hot dog is lox. In Detroit, they recognize a hot dog as a hot dog and they turn it into a Coney dog by adding chili, mustard, and chopped onions. America is better country for it.

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Detroit Is Better Than Chicago


Wikimedia Commons
One could compare the head-to-head record between the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks (402-321-85) and declare Detroit the top city, but why not pile on with more? Detroit's also home to Eastern Market, a six-block public market with over 250 independent vendors selling fresh fruit, veggies, specialty foods, meats, and more. Chicago has no such thing. Isn't Chicago supposed to be some amazing food city?

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Detroit Is Better Than Atlanta


Wikipedia Commons
Do you enjoy taking long showers? Did you know water is essential for human life and Atlanta is starting to run low on it? While Detroit reloads its squirt guns and frolics on Slip'N Slides, the parched people of Atlanta are at serious risk of water shortages.

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Detroit Is Better Than Houston


Wikimedia commons
Good thing Detroit still makes cars because Houston desperately needs them since it's a rotten city for getting around on foot. Walk Score gives Houston a measly score of 44.2 out of 100, far less than Detroit's score of 52.2.

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Detroit Is Better Than Washington, D.C.

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Ryan Nickum
Out of 194 cities, Allstate said Washington, DC has the absolute worst drivers two years running. Detroit was in the middle of the pack in 101st place.

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Detroit Is Better Than Philadelphia


Wikimedia Commons
Take a deep breath, Detroit. Enjoy all that oxygen because in Philadelphia they're choking on air pollution. According to the American Lung Association, Philadelphia is one of the most polluted cities in the country.

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Detroit Is Better Than Dallas & Fort Worth


Only 72% of flights out of Dallas/Fort Worth International leave on time -- the fifth worst in the nation. That's not the case in Detroit. Also, Lions running back Barry Sanders was the all-time best, not Cowboys running back Emmitt Smith.

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Detroit Is Better Than Orlando

Snapshot 2:26:14 11:22 AM
The number of people who have been attacked by a shark in Detroit is zero. Wish the same could be said for the beaches around Orlando, which have seen 90 shark confrontations over the years.

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Detroit Is Better Than San Jose

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If you rearrange the letters in "Detroit" you can spell Dirt Toe, Diet Rot, I Rotted, Tried To, and more. For San Jose, the only anagrams are Jeans So. That's stupid. And so are the home prices in San Jose.

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Detroit Is Better Than Indianapolis

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According to CareerBliss, Indianapolis is home to the third most unhappy workers in the country. Detroit wasn't among the 10 happiest cities for workers, but it's a far cry from the misery of Indianapolis' worker bees.

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Detroit Is Better Than Columbus

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Columbus, Ohio was named the "#2 Best U.S. City for Bros" in 2013. Detroit didn't make the list. Located in Brohio, Columbus is where Four Loko was invented. It's near the Abercrombie & Fitch headquarters. There are thousands of bros running amok at Ohio State University. The place is the center of a coming bropocalypse. Not so in Detroit.

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Detroit Is Better Than Cleveland


Wikipedia Commons

Seriously. The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame should be in Detroit and America should send Detroit a thank you letter for all the music it's produced.