This month marks the beginning of the annual Canadian Seal Hunt. The seals are hunted for their pelts which can fetch up to 33 dollars each. The mammals are also used to make beauty products and essential oils.
If you ever want to explore the outer edges of terror, go to Northern Canada. It's a vast, frozen world of jeopardy and instability--pitting man against nature in a desperate, hammerlock struggle for survival. This is exactly why Northern Canada is home to the world's most elite hunters. The average Northern Canadian Male is born with an innate connection to nature and a catalog of keen, natural born, hunting techniques. Although not scientifically proven, he also possesses the strength of at least one ordinary man.
Besides a handful of brave men and women, the North is home to a multitude of lethal, and decidedly carnivorous polar bears, grizzlies, wolves and big cats. All of which are formidable, but absolutely nothing... NOTHING on this great, green, spinning shit-nugget is more malevolent and deeply underestimated than one particular creature in the region: Yes, the blood thirsty, baby seal.
Confronting these menacing assassins of the ice is no small feat. In the "kill or be killed" world of Seal Clubbing, there are but only a few ways to overpower such wicked beasts. The best and most preferable way is of course, napalm. Currently, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police force refuses to sanction this activity based on scientific research that suggests it's "insane." So for now methods must remain traditional. And the Royal Canadian Mounted Police must remain, funless.
The second best way to club a baby seal is to, well, use a club or "baton." This technique is seemingly simple to the dis-educated, but there are in fact subtleties involved. A kind of inexplicable nuance handed down from generation to generation. Not everybody can do it. Here's how it works: approach the creature from the front, maintaining plenty of eye contact. Raise the baton about shoulder height and strike the mammal hard across the face or head (or as hard as you and your son or daughter are able). Now watch closely, to ensure all the innocence has exited the carcass. (And watch your children grow up before your very eyes!) Although it's not recommended for beginners, you may also lure the creature to your baton by whistling, smiling or juggling fresh fish. An alternative - and markedly slower method - includes snuggling with the offending seal until it dies of old age.
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I think we can all agree that unspeakable suffering has occurred at the hands (flippers) of these sinister white snow devils. Most recently - in fact just now - they've been coined, "the white-fanged dispensers of death." Little is known of their feeding habits, although it's widely speculated among seal clubbing spokespeople that human toddler brains are the preferred source of nutrition. And cod. As a counter measure, once a year Canadian hunters will selflessly enter an arena of unbridled peril. Broader dangers of the seal hunt include: accidentally clubbing one's own shin, chapped lips, having to get up early, thirstiness, and the all too common: red snowball fight.
It's important to note that an enormous amount of the nation's troops are stationed overseas. So what's to stop a caravan of mercenary infant seals from slogging upon Washington to systematically disable the Capitol's infrastructure? And who'll stop this mincing, white cloud of bloodlust from moving West, to snack upon the ankles and toes of innocent Californians as they socklessly wander their gardens in fluorescent Crocs? That's right, I'm talkin' to me.
In the elite world of professional seal clubbing it's easy to rush to judgment without considering the facts. Animal rights activists and a vast army of unwashed liberal hippies feel compelled to voice their single-sided disapproval. But have they ever risked "it all" for something they believe in? Have they ever heard the call to defend decency and civility? Most important, I'm willing to bet these sanctimonious finger waggers have never experienced the sublime rapture of a mouth watering popsicle, made from frozen seal tears. So before you start tossing around weighty words like, "cruel" and "pointless" and "unthinkable," you may want to try one of those popsicles made from frozen seal tears because they're really really delicious. More delicious than the ones made from panda tears or dolphin tears or other things that cry all the time.
Seal hunting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Why do they club seals? - By Daniel Engber - Slate Magazine
Canada says seals to be killed more humanely | Environment | Reuters
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Why can't all hunters snuggle animals and wild beasts to death? The world would be a much kinder place give or take a few mauled faces and missing body parts.
And I hear caravans of mercenary seals consider croc-coate
How about cows, fish, chickens, turkeys, pigs, or even bison? We kill and eat these animals all the time. There are good arguments to make against meat farming such as the waste of resources (land and grains mainly) that goes into it, but just saying "killing animals is wrong" is a much more difficult stance to defend, and in the end comes down to an arbitrary judgement.
Ugly, Justifiabl
Considerin
I believe it to be just to apply the same regard to seals and their young.
I might also add that the carrots and lettuce you mention lack central nervous systems
and are exempt from and fair game for the ravenous "VEGGAN" hunger.
Besides, everyone knows that the turnip is the most conscious of all vegetables
A question to you: what would the carbon footprint of an Inuit following a vegan diet be, considerin
For more marine animal and conservati
I have noted that there is no market for seal fur or leather. Norwegian seal hunters maintain that the material is extremely strong and applicable
This is just nonsense. Why can't we harvest from nature as we always have, and always have had to, and use the products that the seal hunt provides?
The notion that this animal is being mistreated is ridiculous
1. The most basic fact is that harp seals are far from being an endangered species. Their population
2. The killing of baby seals--whi
3. Sealing has been part of the way of life of rural Newfies for at least 150 years. Until the 1970's it was one of the few ways that they could earn cash to support their families. It is still an essential element of the economy of many remote outports. To them it is not different than fishing or musseling or hunting moose or caribou.
With all the problems of crime and poverty in the United States, hunger and AIDs around the world, genocide in Darfur, etc. to get worked up about sealing is just pointing the finger rather than looking in the mirror. What a waste of human compassion
The Muslims still stone people to death,
The Catholics still think condoms cause aids.
The Americans still employ a form of slavery.
Etc, Etc,
Beef and chicken were expensive ( and still are) and friends who were fisherman depended on the seal hunt to supplement their income.
There is no one in this organizati
As an American, I learned to respect the ways of other people. Ryan Reynolds and his organizati
It is easy for people sitting in their urban domains to point figures at those who live in the wilderness
People in Canada do not live off the land more than Americans do, what an absolutely delusional thing to say.
Substinenc
After this hunt is banned, as the vast majority of Canadians support, these fishermen will still be allowed to hunt for substinenc
And, they don't club the seals....t
When you are as outraged about livestock and how they are raised and slaughtere
Is it that fish and worms don't bleed as much as seals. Or maybe the blood doesn't show up as well when there is no snow as a backdrop. Or maybe fish are kind of ugly.
The Canadian Marine Mammal Regulation