The Canadian Club Scene

This month marks the beginning of the annual Canadian Seal Hunt. The seals are hunted for their pelts which can fetch up to 33 dollars each. The mammals are also used to make beauty products and essential oils.

If you ever want to explore the outer edges of terror, go to Northern Canada. It's a vast, frozen world of jeopardy and instability--pitting man against nature in a desperate, hammerlock struggle for survival. This is exactly why Northern Canada is home to the world's most elite hunters. The average Northern Canadian Male is born with an innate connection to nature and a catalog of keen, natural born, hunting techniques. Although not scientifically proven, he also possesses the strength of at least one ordinary man.

Besides a handful of brave men and women, the North is home to a multitude of lethal, and decidedly carnivorous polar bears, grizzlies, wolves and big cats. All of which are formidable, but absolutely nothing... NOTHING on this great, green, spinning shit-nugget is more malevolent and deeply underestimated than one particular creature in the region: Yes, the blood thirsty, baby seal.

Confronting these menacing assassins of the ice is no small feat. In the "kill or be killed" world of Seal Clubbing, there are but only a few ways to overpower such wicked beasts. The best and most preferable way is of course, napalm. Currently, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police force refuses to sanction this activity based on scientific research that suggests it's "insane." So for now methods must remain traditional. And the Royal Canadian Mounted Police must remain, funless.

The second best way to club a baby seal is to, well, use a club or "baton." This technique is seemingly simple to the dis-educated, but there are in fact subtleties involved. A kind of inexplicable nuance handed down from generation to generation. Not everybody can do it. Here's how it works: approach the creature from the front, maintaining plenty of eye contact. Raise the baton about shoulder height and strike the mammal hard across the face or head (or as hard as you and your son or daughter are able). Now watch closely, to ensure all the innocence has exited the carcass. (And watch your children grow up before your very eyes!) Although it's not recommended for beginners, you may also lure the creature to your baton by whistling, smiling or juggling fresh fish. An alternative - and markedly slower method - includes snuggling with the offending seal until it dies of old age.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I think we can all agree that unspeakable suffering has occurred at the hands (flippers) of these sinister white snow devils. Most recently - in fact just now - they've been coined, "the white-fanged dispensers of death." Little is known of their feeding habits, although it's widely speculated among seal clubbing spokespeople that human toddler brains are the preferred source of nutrition. And cod. As a counter measure, once a year Canadian hunters will selflessly enter an arena of unbridled peril. Broader dangers of the seal hunt include: accidentally clubbing one's own shin, chapped lips, having to get up early, thirstiness, and the all too common: red snowball fight.

It's important to note that an enormous amount of the nation's troops are stationed overseas. So what's to stop a caravan of mercenary infant seals from slogging upon Washington to systematically disable the Capitol's infrastructure? And who'll stop this mincing, white cloud of bloodlust from moving West, to snack upon the ankles and toes of innocent Californians as they socklessly wander their gardens in fluorescent Crocs? That's right, I'm talkin' to me.

In the elite world of professional seal clubbing it's easy to rush to judgment without considering the facts. Animal rights activists and a vast army of unwashed liberal hippies feel compelled to voice their single-sided disapproval. But have they ever risked "it all" for something they believe in? Have they ever heard the call to defend decency and civility? Most important, I'm willing to bet these sanctimonious finger waggers have never experienced the sublime rapture of a mouth watering popsicle, made from frozen seal tears. So before you start tossing around weighty words like, "cruel" and "pointless" and "unthinkable," you may want to try one of those popsicles made from frozen seal tears because they're really really delicious. More delicious than the ones made from panda tears or dolphin tears or other things that cry all the time.

 

 

Comments

[Brittany Emerson]

I don't think I've ever pouted in pity and laughed out loud simultaneously before. Well played sir, well played. I also don't think I've ever read a blog before so this is something new.

Why can't all hunters snuggle animals and wild beasts to death? The world would be a much kinder place give or take a few mauled faces and missing body parts.

And I hear caravans of mercenary seals consider croc-coated ankles a delicacy. Especially if they are manly swirls of pink and yellow.

[rjmiller]

Your argument boils down to "It's wrong to kill seals because they're cute and don't fight back." Is the seal an endangered species? That would be a compelling reason not to kill it. If not, you're just arbitrarily picking a random animal that's easiest to defend.

How about cows, fish, chickens, turkeys, pigs, or even bison? We kill and eat these animals all the time. There are good arguments to make against meat farming such as the waste of resources (land and grains mainly) that goes into it, but just saying "killing animals is wrong" is a much more difficult stance to defend, and in the end comes down to an arbitrary judgement.

[RudyV]

"...cows, fish, chickens, turkeys, pigs, or even bison..."

Ugly, Justifiable Homicide, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly....

[pahpah25]

sadly, nature has been so disneyized, that anyone who hunts/ fishes etc. is villified by idiots like the man who wrote this article......the animals are very 'cute' but is their killing for food etc. any worse than the killing of chickens, cattle for the same purpose?...if this writer is a veggan.i bet he also kills carrotts, lettuce etc...and even eats them.....horrors! shame on him...i hope he doesn't eat 'NEMO'..

[ckesegi]

Thanks for the wildly generalizing but otherwise nonsensical gobbledygook, buddy.

Considering that it is frowned upon for hunters of deer to kill does or fawns,
I believe it to be just to apply the same regard to seals and their young.
I might also add that the carrots and lettuce you mention lack central nervous systems
and are exempt from and fair game for the ravenous "VEGGAN" hunger.

Besides, everyone knows that the turnip is the most conscious of all vegetables.

[SFTor]

Sorry to disappoint you, but the killing of young animals are part of many wildlife management schemes. There is nothing immoral in killing a young animal. The argument taken to its logical extreme would be that you should only kill animals that are about to die anyway.

A question to you: what would the carbon footprint of an Inuit following a vegan diet be, considering that every last morsel of that person's diet would have to be flown or trucked in?

[Aqua Allie]

Great post! I especially like the suggestion of cuddling to death lol

For more marine animal and conservation news check out my blog http://aquaallie.blogspot.com or follow me on twitter http://www.twitter.com/aqua_allie

[SFTor]

It's interesting for me to note that the seal hunt is producing products that have been more or less banned from sale for political reasons.

I have noted that there is no market for seal fur or leather. Norwegian seal hunters maintain that the material is extremely strong and applicable, yet the only thing that is used in the Norwegian market at this point is the meat, which gets bought off the boat the moment it comes back from its hunting outings. There is also limited distribution to local grocery chains i Northern Norway.

This is just nonsense. Why can't we harvest from nature as we always have, and always have had to, and use the products that the seal hunt provides?

The notion that this animal is being mistreated is ridiculous, and we need to regain our common sense.

[Northlite]

As to the Newfies getting their "kicks" from torturing and killing seals: Both the Canadian and Newfoundland game management authorities have made harassment of seals a crime. Every year they actually prosecute and convict the few idiots who treat the seals cruelly. They also face permanent loss of their commercial fishing licenses. So, there is actually very little "inhumanity" in the hunt.

[Shaddup]

Yeah, because clubbing something to death is soooo humane...

[Northlite]

PS: I have been offered seal meat, both fresh and potted(jarred) many times at Sunday dinner. I haven't tried it, but I have tried another of the Newfie delicacies: Roasted murre. It tastes like a cross between a duck and an anchovie! Terrible! But they love it.

[Northlite]

I am a progressive Dem, Obama voter, who has spent his entire professional life conserving land and endangered species. I also have spent a lot of time in outport Newfoundland and can say unequivocally that the rural Newfies are the closest to living genuine subsistance lifestyles of anyone in North America, and I include Native Americans as I have also spent time in Innu and Inuit villages in Labrador.

1. The most basic fact is that harp seals are far from being an endangered species. Their populations are closely monitored and there are approximately 6 million harp seals.

2. The killing of baby seals--whi­tecoats--h­as been banned for nearly 20 years.

3. Sealing has been part of the way of life of rural Newfies for at least 150 years. Until the 1970's it was one of the few ways that they could earn cash to support their families. It is still an essential element of the economy of many remote outports. To them it is not different than fishing or musseling or hunting moose or caribou.

With all the problems of crime and poverty in the United States, hunger and AIDs around the world, genocide in Darfur, etc. to get worked up about sealing is just pointing the finger rather than looking in the mirror. What a waste of human compassion.

[canuck lefty]

Thank you for your voice of reason. Unfortunately, there is so much erroneous information out there via the propaganda of the anti-sealing industry, it's hard for many to see beyond it to the facts.

[Ithamer]

It will eventually be halted because it's fundamentally wrong, but one should not hold their breath,
The Muslims still stone people to death,
The Catholics still think condoms cause aids.
The Americans still employ a form of slavery.

Etc, Etc,

[Mort]

Holy cow, Ryan! Your gift for entertaining us, or more accurately instructing us, through biting sarcasm is simply stunning! We look forward to your articles.

[bibimimi]

Reynolds; good 2C marriage has not mellowed U out @ all.

[Kanye East]

White man degrading native tradition. some things never change.

[Shaddup]

Dude, haven't you noticed? We even degrade ourselves. Well, the good ones anyway.

[JXJASON]

When I lived in Newfoundland, Canada, I had ate cod, cod tongues, moose, whale meat, scallops, mussels, lobster, flounder and flipper pie. All were very good but my favorites were lobster, scallops and mussels.

Beef and chicken were expensive ( and still are) and friends who were fisherman depended on the seal hunt to supplement their income.

There is no one in this organization who understands that people in Canada live off the land more than we do in the USA. I have nothing against anyone hunting or fishing. Here in PA., I have friends who fish for trout, hunt deer and even squirrels.

As an American, I learned to respect the ways of other people. Ryan Reynolds and his organization should too.

[blacknblue2]

I used to eat squirrel potpie. It was good.

It is easy for people sitting in their urban domains to point figures at those who live in the wilderness. It is one of the funniest things I find about groups. They look upon themselves as a very tolerant group but only if you agree with their idea. If you don't agree with their ideas they become the most sanctimonious self centered intolerant bunch you can find.

[SFTor]

I'm still looking to hear from someone who has had seal meat lately. And if so, is it any good?

[Muriella]

I saw from some gossipy website (that I normally ignore because a "celebrity's" life is none of my business, but I was curious about Ryan's regard for all living things) that Ryan and his wife threw a lovely wedding party where they went fishing for salmon and halibut with their guests. Did they skewer live worms onto a hook and then suffocate them underwater? Did they then tempt the little fishy with this bate, hook it through it's little mouth, yank it forcefully out of the water, and then spend seconds/minutes trying to rip the hook out of the little fish face while the poor thing gasped in a panic for water. Did all the fish become part of the wedding feast or were they thrown back again for the sport of it all?

Is it that fish and worms don't bleed as much as seals. Or maybe the blood doesn't show up as well when there is no snow as a backdrop. Or maybe fish are kind of ugly.

[GrahamInCanada]

Or maybe fish are not baby mammals, lying helpless on the ice to be clubbed to death, with no sporting chance at all for survival, or not clubbed to death, maybe skinned alive (the hunters can't waste time waiting for the twitching to stop, so they claim death occurs before the end of mobility for a mammal), in a vain hunt where the meat is actually left behind.

[Dockcurrie]

Luckily you're opinions/falsehoods are in the minority.

[Vickster]

Bodies often continue to twitch, kick or (in the case of headless chickens) even run for a minute or two after death has occurred. The reason why vets sedate animals before they're euthanized is to prevent these movements.

[7HOglUDy]

NO BABY SEALS ARE KILLED IN THE HUNT.

The Canadian Marine Mammal Regulations (MMR) has prohibited the trade, sale or barter of the fur of these pups since 1987. The regulations are enforced, but PETA, et al. would not make any money if they advertised that fact. And they make a LOT of money from the seal hunt.

[GrahamInCanada]

Call them what you will, babies, juveniles, they are born, they lie helpless on the ice for 24 days, and if 24 day old mammals are not babies, layed helpless where they were born, so be it. Then, when they learn to swim, they have survived the hunt, and swim away.

[Dockcurrie]

Another example of GrahamInCanada's patent falsehoods and propaganda.