THE BLOG

Why We Fall Out of Love (And What to Do to Prevent It)

10/25/2011 08:24 am ET | Updated Dec 25, 2011

Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen?

Let's say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.

If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.

This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.

We need to understand that relationships happen because of certain needs -- physical, emotional and psychological needs. Whatever the nature of the relationship, the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. We may claim many things for why we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.

And as people grow and mature, these needs change. When these needs change, what looked like everything between two people will not feel the same after some time. But we do not have to base a relationship on these same needs forever and feel that the relationship is over. We can always make the relationship mature into something else.

Whatever the needs that brought people together need not be the fundamentals of a relationship forever. The very fundamentals of a relationship have to change as time passes, and as one ages and matures in many different ways. If that change is not made, growing apart or falling apart is definitely a certainty.

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