Can you imagine being hired by a family as a travel agent, being privy to personal details about them, deciding in the process, that, regardless if it is unethical, you would pursue the husband? You are in your mid-forties, divorced, no children, you know what it is to struggle and being ruthless feels natural so you move in on the husband ever so cleverly, bit by bit (phone calls going back and forth, emails, hey, how about meeting?), it is a game, meanwhile, acting so "nice" to the wife as you infiltrate the sacred zone of family. You see nothing wrong with what you are doing. As a matter of fact, you convince yourself there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Unprofessional? You tell yourself, no, even though you were let go from a prior job for inappropriate behavior, this time it is different, and besides the husband is responding and I am getting away with it so far.
Or can you imagine being hired by a family to be a nanny, being trusted to protect and care for children and become part of a family. You are in the best suburb of New York and the lifestyle is really comfortable. You could get used to it comfortable. You weren't planning on it but you feel so comfortable with the husband, too. You tell yourself, "he's been married long enough to this wife," now you decide it's your turn and you want this picture. So bit by bit you just allow "things to happen" between you and the husband.
Or can you imagine working in an office where so many of the young executives are married with their cute wives at home taking care of the children and you have a longing to have a handsome executive for yourself. So you pick one out and decide this is the one. You test the waters casually, with a pal around with co-worker seduction and lo and behold your attention to this man is getting a greenlight response from him and your dream is beginning to take shape. He couldn't be happy with his beautiful wife as you feel chemistry with him and convince yourself that "he will be happier with me." Afterall, you are both discovering what love is. The wife and three children will get over it.
It is right about now I am wondering about the men in these relationships...
Anyway, last example, can you imagine being married with kids and living down the street from your close friends who you spend a lot of time with together as couples, and as families. Then who knows why, boredom maybe, or some need of validation, or because you think you are falling in love with your friend's husband, you give in to your attraction and engage in the plotting to get him and lure him sexually for kama sutra in the woods and leave Karma in the dust.
I don't understand how those women can live with themselves. I guess because I can't imagine operating like that and feeling good about myself. Warning alarms would go off for me. The Golden Rule would overwhelm my desire and ward me off. Buddhist Noble Truths would scroll by. Thunder and lightning would crash down. KARMA would sound off with echoes. It's not that I don't understand the urge. It's the choice to engage in those realms that spell: DARK.
Is this love, or faux love, and you'll make believe it's real, for now, even though there is something phony about it. Were those husbands prime targets because of their ages, years in a marriage, limitations? Were their needs not met and the switch in their brains went off saying screw principles, commitment, values, who needs them? They want their youth back and the new mantra begins: Life is short. Oh wait. I mean Life is Longer because people live longer so therefore long term marriages are a thing of the past. How can anyone be expected to stay with the same person nowadays, divorce is modern and the kids will get over it..
It seems we are in the EAT, PRAY, LOVE generation, who need "more" now, are decidedly shallow, quick-paced thrill seeking travellers, who do downward dog and tantric doggy style, and spend money, fly business class and stay in hip hotels, and in spite of all the meditation and yoga (they don't actually go to the trouble of practicing the principles) and climbing mountain peaks, they constantly need more peak experiences. They can't be still, real or present. Brothers and sisters, it's time to grow UP, again. We are the parents now...
How I crave true people, the ones who can bear with themselves and therefore others and who want to love, sincerely. Bring me someone with depth, someone who can grow old gracefully and let me grow old gracefully, who is patient with life, who knows life has ups and downs and we all go through waves and changes and that Love is as neverending as the sky and can handle all life throws at us. Bring me someone who is kind, values commitment and sees how marriage is not only sexy but far more interesting to adventure in then ego-stroking compromises to the soul that cheapen the sacred bonds between a husband and wife, and family, and rob the gift to children of being able to flourish in and experience the luxury of a whole family. Bring me someone who does the right and honorable thing even behind closed doors, especially behind closed doors, because they are made of something and aren't weak, and have values and principles. I am so tired of hearing about divorce and affairs and cheating and all these cheap and common ways to be. Bring the people with vision and security within themselves with strong foundations that hold up under duress, no matter what. People that stay the course, that see beyond their noses, that are graceful and kind, honest, and are present for the challenge of being human, who want to show their children who they are and how to be in this world. Life is too short to be shallow. Bring me someone with depth, with the power to be kind enough to really love someone, whose word counts all the days of their life. Now that is sexy. Just imagine that.
BOTH sexes are susceptible to "straying" if they don't get their needs met. EVERYONE has a threshold for pain, for not getting what they need etc. The stereotypes would tell you that women look elsewhere to get their emotional needs met and men for their physical needs. And then our SOCIETY would tell you that going elsewhere for EMOTIONAL needs vs. PHYSICAL needs is somehow more commendable/excusable. Please. It's ALL the same.
As someone once told me: "If you don't feed a dog, they gonna jump the fence."
There was a recent post on HP talking about how women were deserving of praise for leaving after they cheat vs. staying and trying to fix what may have led to the indiscretion. Ha ha ha. Whatever.
I love this quote from below: "...the serious consequences for the wife & kids as he inevitably - emotionally abandons them at some point or the other when he cheats." Ha ha ha.
The stereotype lives! Ha ha ha.
How could all this be so one-sided? I would love to hear the husband's side.
Also I don't know how you can care so much for your children, and publicly attack their father. How could this be healthy for anyone. When I got divorced, I knew attacking my ex, don't matter how justified, would only hurt our children and it ultimately helped me make peace and move on.
I would like to hear your understanding of what is 'emotionally' available, and also, what is 'sexually' available....to you in your experience.
Do you think the author of this article should keep her thoughts to herself? Why would her children be damaged or hurt by her thoughts?
I don't think this author should keep her thoughts to herself, but another matter to put them out on a national website. This has to impact her children, which she claims she cares more than anything.
Regarding sexually available, I think that is between two partners to decide, but one where you care about each others needs.
We are all grappling with how to better love oneanother and communicate. Men and women feel the same pain when lied to, cheated on, betrayed. I am expressing my pain, men and women alike can relate. I have hope that we can be kinder to oneanother. I believe in marriage and I believe in the work it takes. My belief is that the more conversations we can have the more we can help eachother and understand oneanother. Wouldn't it be better to speak our needs and be kind and respectful to oneanother than resort to going behind eachother's backs? We need to speak up about the kindest ways to treat oneanother and express that to our children.
The behavior that pulls us apart is what is being made public. I am writing about the pain I feel for myself and for my children because our family is broken now. My heart's desire was to be married to my husband and have our wonderful family be whole. I am pleading for us collectively to take a look at ourselves and how we treat oneanother and encourage kindness, openness, and love, and a willingness to be in conversation with oneanother to arrive at union and understanding as a whole.
Maybe he is the man of your dreams, but maybe he will give you nightmare.
Jan Raney Handwriting Analyst, jansdreamhouse@yahoo.com
Well said, good piece, great title, lol....
No one ever calls it the "dark side"
But sadly there is a severe dark side to cheating.
One that only now is slowly coming to light all over the place as more & more Families speak up & break the silence about a family man's cheating and the serious consequences for the wife & kids as he inevitably - emotionally - abandons them at some point or the other when he cheats.
Saw research recently that said no matter the age of the children they are impacted by his cheating and the consequences that follow.
So yea, time for Society to take a good look at the issues, problems, this sort of betrayal/cheating creates.
More so since the examples you gave are very real in today's work place where so many not so young single/divorced women work alongside family men, but are focused on looking hard for the one family man they can swipe.
With best wishes to you,
Some Moms
Regarding the workplace, my husband's lover is a younger colleague of both of ours. 15 years his junior if you can believe that. The employer did NOTHING about this affair and continues to not address it because it is a 'personal issue' .. only to ban her from working near me. Well, yeah, this 'personal issue' ruined his professional reputation, caused me to miss days and days of work, created scandal in the community, and deeply hurt our family and children. And why won't the workplace deal with this?
Your workplace won't "deal with it" because it is actually a personal matter, and for the same reason they don't interfere in their employees personnal lives in other ways and matters, they choose not to in this one.
I think you're confused about boundaries in our society. it's not the place or job of our legal system or employers to do something if our families and children experience emotional pain and if someone's action's ruins their reputation or someone else misses work because they cannot handle a personnal matter, it's not something our legal system or employers are capable of, nor are they expected to, deal with.
I'm glad to hear you're moving on and creating a new life.
Family men cheating is as bad as betraying your best buds. Your business partner. Your Country.
Try cheating your Bank or your child cheating on a test hmm... And yet Society accepts it when it comes to Marriage & Family, it’s most important grouping.
Employers tend to enable these things when the pair first start out, but later on treat these sly underhand affairs as “personal” issues. Feign ignorance, deny completely.
Which seems to be part of the Business mind set to not admit doing Harm & then do the damnedest to avoid accountability even when you are.
The other gambit is to pretend that the very real Harm done to Wives & Families is just Hurt Feelings.
That ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’. So the un spouse gets further labelled on top of everything else when Harm & Hurt Feelings are two very separate things.
Hurt Feelings, one gets over, though it may take time.
Harm - that the now Un-Wife & the Un-Family have to Live with it - lasts a long while & is what no one wants to hear about.
But truth is, betrayal is never easy. No matter where it occurs. G-d knows why Society’s ok with it when it comes to our Better Halves and the Family we share with them.
Stay strong. Laugh at them. There’s always some thing wrong with women who go after family men.
Read the Elizabeth Edward book - Resilience. Hear it's good.
Society, communities do need to take a good look at the issues, as you said. There has been so much silence around cheating and divorce, the turning of the cheek has sustained the belief that it is okay with us, while we suffer in silence. Just like sexual abuse was such a closely held secret with holy men bullying victims into silence, are affairs and lying to a spouse being contained for the practice to continue? Hopefully these overused phrases we hear will soon sound too cliche to say like, "oh, it happens" or "it's what men do" or "she felt unappreciated and her needs weren't met so she slept with him". We can't delude ourselves anymore with all of these excuses. With more understanding of our actions' effects on others, comes responsibility. We are heading into a wiser, more accountable age. We have an opportunity to create much healthier relationships in our communities and that is the best thing we could do for our children.
The man who will cheat on his family with you - - he is your dream man, really?
The woman who will sleep with you knowing your wife is home with the kids bathing them, putting them to bed, your soul mate?
Sorry. Those are damaged people. And I pity you for thinking they will bring some kind of joy into your life when the dust settles and you realize that you will still need to clean the toilet and run to the store to get milk for breakfast.
Great article.
It's taken a long time for me to stop giving her my energy. To come to an understanding and acceptance of exactly what you said above. I still cry when I'm trying to figure out how to buy my sons sports equipment or something they want knowing their father and his lover are out to dinner or drinks or dancing at the local pub for all to see. That is also the dark side of infidelity .. the continued slap in the face that just happens out of nowhere sometimes.
Sounds like you are doing the best you can and trying hard to stay on the high road. I wish you the best.
I just am too jaded by life to believe in the "happy ever after".
I've watched men and women savage each other in divorces, mindless of the damage they do, not only to each other, but their kids and extended families. I've heard the excuses on both sides...and yes, I've lived through a downward spiral myself.
Know what really causes divorce? Spending too much time with someone who has no idea why they are with you anymore. The same person you used to spend entire nights talking to, or comfortably being with is suddenly a cold stranger...and no matter how you turn it, you can't see yourself with that person for ten more years, ten more months---or even ten more weeks.
You fight over stupid things---you break each others hearts daily.
And when someone makes you feel anything more than wretched?
It seems like a good thing.
We marry for ridiculous reasons...and then are stunned when it doesn't last.
Security? Foolish...no such beast.
Biological clocks? That's just breeding.
But the desire to be with another human being long term?
Too much work for most. They suffer from emotional ADD, or outlandish expectations.
And so it goes.
I have recently been struck by ways mid-life women find creative solutions to the housing issue after divorce or unemployment (or both.) These are OT (off topic) and off the wall, but here goes. If you really find the apt. soul-sucking (noises thru walls, break-ins of apts. or cars, no BFFs in a 10-mile radius) then you might consider:
1.) Housemother in sorority - seriously. No, don't pretend to be 19. But in the school year (some year round) I have seen women live in separate apts. in a sorority house (not sure about frats) and essentially eat & sleep free, with a stipend. Not forever, and you'd need to be a bit nimble about keeping an eye on things while retaining privacy. Your kids could use air mattresses, when they visit. Or go visit family, or hotel it.
2.) House sit - realtors sometimes want people in high-end homes, to look out for pipes, etc. Builders also. Offer to stage it, with your good taste. (New career?)
3.) House sit (2) - for a professor on leave, someone on a pre-retirement trip. Not a choice for permanence but a roost with low or no overhead (except utilities.)
Use a PO Box and cell phone, and keep and open mind. Very low budget lets you choose a career path pressure-free, at first anyway. (Or prep for a new endeavor.)
I don't trust them
I really love your final paragraph - its yearning, its poetry. Sometimes it's hard to accept that the person we chose for ourselves doesn't fit what you described. But it's important to remember, as another blogger here on HP said, "to separate the person from the action." Sometimes I think the person we all yearn for is still there, buried under the tarnish of bad choices. I hope that is the case for me.
Lastly though, I share your confusion on this narrow thinking by people. I for one have always thought of a married person with children who cheats not only cheats on his/her spouse, but also the children. And the person who targets these married people, preying on some vulnerability... well, all I'll say is that they are just as confusing to me.
Thanks for a great piece.
Jlong from the perspective of the betraying spouse, I can tell you it was the idea of breaking up the family and the fate of the kids that kept me in the marriage as long as I did stay. In the end, I used infidelity as a desperate escape. Does he see me as at all the same person as the one he chose for himself? It's really hard to see the good in the person, to find the person you loved "buried under the tarnish of bad choices" as you so nicely put it, during this extremely stressful and emotional process.
He is extremely (understandably) angry and feels "discarded, cheated, ridiculed, and robbed.” It's hard that he hates me so much but he certainly has all the right. I do hope to receive forgiveness from him but I understand it may never come. My goal is to treat him with the honor and respect due my long-term marital partner and the father of my astonishing children. There are of course underlying issues that it would be great to work through if he'd ever speak to me. I wish only beautiful things for him, that he may find the partner of his dreams, a woman who can love him for the brilliant man he is.
From the other side, like Jlong, I was the wronged spouse. My *forgiving* her was treated by her as antagonism because it assumed she was guilty for cheating.
For example, this new, "decent" guy you're with, who you call "neglectful and inattentive as the rest." He needs to know that he's not doing it for you. Believe me, he can't read your mind. Maybe you've tried to talk to him, but that won't do it either most of the time. You need to start DOING some things to get his attention and get your point across.
Anyway, be wary of falling into the negative thinking that most guys are like that. It sounds like you've got a good one right in front of you. It's just gonna take a little effort to make sure you see him.
Having lived through it, I can tell you there is nothing so hurtful and traumatic on the people you supposedly love the most then experiencing the betrayal of an affair and the lifelong damage that divorce has on a family. Hopefully, you won't have to experience it.
Yes - It is funny how some folk find ways to excuse and/or justify all the lying, all the cheating, deceit, deceptions, disloyalty, betrayal etc., etc., not to forget all the serious harmful legal/financial aspects & consequences that come afterwards for his wife & children, when a family men gets caught in a relationship with some stalking co-worker/colleague they see on a regular basis.